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Joined: Oct 2017
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Country...I think, its been folk and pop before too I Remember I couldnt get the feel I wanted with the frickon ToonTrack piano, the verses to bouncy, but it serves as a decent demo https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13981232Juan sittin on the fire escape listenin to a Prince tape through a flea market player he bought for 5 bucks he's takin in the havoc of rush hour traffic just eatin some popcorn damnin his luck only one things different than the typical day he see's the lovely Rosie comin his way and the future is Rosie there's a reason to smile and angel moved in here shes gonna live here for a while like a drunk in a Bowery who just found a key push open the door the future is Rosie She's headin for the clothesline laundry smellin so fine spreadin nothin but sunshine on the brick of this hood and he thinks "life is worth livin cause the signal shes been givin" tells him somethins lying out there and that somethins lookin good still only one thing's different than the typical day the two of them forgot about yesterday and the future is Rosie there's a reason to smile and angel moved in here shes gonna live here for a while like a drunk in a Bowery who just found a key push open the door the future is Rosie Now, he's makin plans to get his GED with Rosie on his side there's no tellin what could be and the future is Rosie there's a reason to smile and angel moved in here shes gonna live here for a while like a drunk in a Bowery who just found a key push open the door the future is Rosie
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 01/25/20 01:52 PM.
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Joined: Oct 2017
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bump, lookin for feedback on this.. as a song not neccessarly as a track.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Just one or two minor suggestion Fd I haven't a clue what GED is so I skipped over it John
Juan sittin on the fire escape listenin to a Prince tape through His flea market player bought for 5 bucks he's takin in the havoc of rush hour traffic just eatin some popcorn damnin his luck only one things different than the typical day he see's the lovely Rosie comin his way
THE future is Rosie there's a reason to smile AN angel moved in here gonna live here for a while like a drunk in a Bowery who'S just found a key pushED open A door NOW THE future is Rosie
MONDAYS WASH DAY laundry smellin so fine spreadin nothin but sunshine on the brick of this hood
NOW he thinks "lifeS worth livin FROM signaLS shes givin" tells him somethins lying out there and that somethins lookin good
BUT THERE'S ONE different FROM A typical day AS the two of them forgot about yesterday.
C
Now, he's makin plans to get his GED with Rosie on his side there's no tellin what could be
C
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Just one or two minor suggestion Fd I haven't a clue what GED is so I skipped over it John
Juan sittin on the fire escape listenin to a Prince tape through His flea market player bought for 5 bucks he's takin in the havoc of rush hour traffic just eatin some popcorn damnin his luck only one things different than the typical day he see's the lovely Rosie comin his way
THE future is Rosie there's a reason to smile AN angel moved in here gonna live here for a while like a drunk in a Bowery who'S just found a key pushED open A door NOW THE future is Rosie
MONDAYS WASH DAY laundry smellin so fine spreadin nothin but sunshine on the brick of this hood
NOW he thinks "lifeS worth livin FROM signaLS shes givin" tells him somethins lying out there and that somethins lookin good
BUT THERE'S ONE differeENCE FROM A typical day AS the two of them forgot about yesterday.
C
Now, he's makin plans to get his GED with Rosie on his side there's no tellin what could be
C
Last edited by Travis david; 01/30/20 08:10 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Nov 2010
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You have a good way with lyrics and arrangement.
Just two things. Is that line meant to be "like a drunk in a brewery"? Also, that piano is very busy in the parts where your singing. Maybe find a loop with held chords there or take the vol down a couple of db.
Good one. Vic
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I too was uncertain about Brewary or Bowery?
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi guys thanks for the comments. it should read drunk IN the Bowery. Bowery is a part of New York, which is a classic spot for whino's and hobos and homeless to walk around aimlessly.
Bowery is more of a symbol here than the place, as it doesnt have to be New York.
Point is, imagine a bum walking around, not knowing where his next meal or bottle of booze is coming from, or where he's gonna sleep, and suddenly finds a key, that opens up a door to a new life. Thats how this guy feels when he sees Rosie.
Hi Vic, yeah im not happy with the arrangement, I stopped at drums and piano because I knew I wasn't getting the feel i wanted out of it. good enough rough demo.
Travis GED is a high school equivalent. He's trying to get out of the hood because Rosie inspires him....
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 01/30/20 10:43 AM.
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Fdemetrio,
First off, a great title/hook. Totally catches the eye and makes it a must listen. Really like the piano, Springsteen like feel; lovely melody and solid vocal. And the production touches are nuanced and engaging. I actually think the arrangement is pretty solid.
Lyrically, a few nits . . . at least for me, recognizing it’s all somewhat subjective . . . but for what it’s worth . . . The “just eating some popcorn” line for me doesn’t work. I get where you are going with it, but the lines preceding and following aren’t consistent with that feel (if in fact I am getting what you intended). “Havoc,” “traffic,” and “damning his luck” doesn’t seem to jibe with “eating some popcorn” (which suggests he's sitting back enjoying what's going on). I think an opportunity to change that line, and as it isn’t dependent on rhyme scheme, you have some lattitude to do so.
I like the imagery and the rhyme scheme of the second verse, but I’m wondering if the line “on the brick of this hood” works. First, in “hood” I think you mean the slang “the hood,” but there’s really nothing that sets that up, so on first listen I thought you mean the hood of a car, which of course makes no sense. I’d opt to replace “of this hood” (three syllables) with “neighborhood” (also three syllables, so it shouldn’t mess with the pace and feel of the melody), and then precede that with something like “through the streets of our neighborhood”. Though I think you can do better than “the streets”. I do like the idea of “our” neighborhood though, as it establishes a connection between the singer and Rosie through community.
Very, very good song—one of my favorites from you. My suggestions above are just that. It stands very solid as is, but offering up a different perspective in spots for you to think about. I always find it helpful even if to validate my thought process on a tune. So in that spirit, I hope the above it useful to some degree.
All my best,
Deej
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Joined: Oct 2017
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Fdemetrio,
First off, a great title/hook. Totally catches the eye and makes it a must listen. Really like the piano, Springsteen like feel; lovely melody and solid vocal. And the production touches are nuanced and engaging. I actually think the arrangement is pretty solid.
Lyrically, a few nits . . . at least for me, recognizing it’s all somewhat subjective . . . but for what it’s worth . . . The “just eating some popcorn” line for me doesn’t work. I get where you are going with it, but the lines preceding and following aren’t consistent with that feel (if in fact I am getting what you intended). “Havoc,” “traffic,” and “damning his luck” doesn’t seem to jibe with “eating some popcorn” (which suggests he's sitting back enjoying what's going on). I think an opportunity to change that line, and as it isn’t dependent on rhyme scheme, you have some lattitude to do so.
I like the imagery and the rhyme scheme of the second verse, but I’m wondering if the line “on the brick of this hood” works. First, in “hood” I think you mean the slang “the hood,” but there’s really nothing that sets that up, so on first listen I thought you mean the hood of a car, which of course makes no sense. I’d opt to replace “of this hood” (three syllables) with “neighborhood” (also three syllables, so it shouldn’t mess with the pace and feel of the melody), and then precede that with something like “through the streets of our neighborhood”. Though I think you can do better than “the streets”. I do like the idea of “our” neighborhood though, as it establishes a connection between the singer and Rosie through community.
Very, very good song—one of my favorites from you. My suggestions above are just that. It stands very solid as is, but offering up a different perspective in spots for you to think about. I always find it helpful even if to validate my thought process on a tune. So in that spirit, I hope the above it useful to some degree.
All my best,
Deej Thanks Dee. I see your nits, could be room for improvement. As I see it's setting the scene of where Juan lives, how humdrum and boring his life is, with not alot of hope. Sitting on a fire escape watching the cars go by, while eating popcorn is what he does to fill his time. I guess it does depend what your vision of where he is. They say to leave some room for the listener to decide for themselves instead of trying to paint it exactly... but I think the "hood" is established, who sits on a fire escape in the suburbs? Popcorn... a cheap snack, we eat when bored too... I was envisioning it from the pov of two people living in apartment complex..I see this one spot often and start wondering who is thinking what as they walk around. Who does the laundry on a clothesline any more but poorer people? needing a GED equivalent tells you that hes not very qualified to do much, which is probably why he's living there in the first place. I think it works, but I could try to tweak it a bit. Thanks for the nice comments and good ears!
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 02/05/20 12:50 PM.
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