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Last edited by Fdemetrio; 04/02/21 09:16 PM.
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Fd,
I think this song has potential. I like the melody and the conceptual theme. I think since you're just past two min, you might want to have another verse early that could elaborate a bit more with the girl before you noticed the bible--paint a better picture/intrigue as to why you caught up with her or couldn't resist. In that way the bible becomes more of a surprise and contrasting to your going for this type of girl. Write a better story, you have a good melody train going on and a nice voice, so build-finish the song man!
Great start, I enjoyed it.
steady-eddie
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Fd,
I think this song has potential. I like the melody and the conceptual theme. I think since you're just past two min, you might want to have another verse early that could elaborate a bit more with the girl before you noticed the bible--paint a better picture/intrigue as to why you caught up with her or couldn't resist. In that way the bible becomes more of a surprise and contrasting to your going for this type of girl. Write a better story, you have a good melody train going on and a nice voice, so build-finish the song man!
Great start, I enjoyed it.
steady-eddie Thanks Eddie appreciate it. I found this folder of stuff, and im listening to different tracks everyday. I want to put out an album this year, redo all songs I want on there. Not sure this would make it. ill probably go for 10 songs that fit a theme. I guess he caught up with her cause she was pretty...what other reason does a guy need! "She did have eyes like heaven" remember Its a bit stripped down but im finding alot of people dont realize that when you add more words, you get less melody. An inescapable truth. I write the music first most of them time at least have the tune in my head. But if somebody were to rewrite the words, the melody wouldnt be there any more. It's a balance Thanks for the kind words always good to hear your take.
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 01/28/20 10:37 AM.
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Fd,
I would agree that when adding words that don't fit prosody can play havoc with a melody. I like/prefer writing lyrics to established melody anyway. But melody is melody and mathematical for the most part--lyrics need to fit. Adding another verse certainly wouldn't change that. I really like the opening line about the Bible in her hand, but feel that line should be "saved" for the 2nd vs--as now you are getting into the heart of the story. I do think if you paint a more gradual picture you'll have more balanced lyrics with a better and more interesting story--which will benefit the song's appeal--musically, it is really good melody.
Rough Ex: "Just another day on Broadway, the sidewalks thousands strong." Then some interesting descriptive line about this girl as she came along, followed by maybe something about how she makes you feel? That's what I meant about "building" the story. JMO.
I like the piano, and the song has an Andrew Gold feel to me. This one to me is worth spending some time on.
steady-eddie
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Joined: Oct 2017
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Fd,
I would agree that when adding words that don't fit prosody can play havoc with a melody. I like/prefer writing lyrics to established melody anyway. But melody is melody and mathematical for the most part--lyrics need to fit. Adding another verse certainly wouldn't change that. I really like the opening line about the Bible in her hand, but feel that line should be "saved" for the 2nd vs--as now you are getting into the heart of the story. I do think if you paint a more gradual picture you'll have more balanced lyrics with a better and more interesting story--which will benefit the song's appeal--musically, it is really good melody.
Rough Ex: "Just another day on Broadway, the sidewalks thousands strong." Then some interesting descriptive line about this girl as she came along, followed by maybe something about how she makes you feel? That's what I meant about "building" the story. JMO.
I like the piano, and the song has an Andrew Gold feel to me. This one to me is worth spending some time on.
steady-eddie
Ill give it a look. True story I saw her walking down Broadway with a Bible, on her way to service. There wasn't anybody else around, otherwise I woulda probably not done that lol. And she did invite me to Chruch. And I did go in, it wasnt even my denomination. I think walkin down the street with a Bible paints a pretty clear idea what shes about. Remember if you change the lyric, the melody goes. Add another verse to it, and then you have three verses that dont go into a chorus. It's AABA in structure. Three verses would make it AAABA lol. Which would lose the listener worse than as is, No chorus, it's based on that one line any friend of Jesus to do the lifting I have known guys who went as far as converting to a religion to make their woman happy. I wasnt going to do that! But it was more about allowing somebody to be nice to you. I allowed her to do what she thought was a good thing for me. THATS the song, Not converting. I dont know where she is these days, it didnt last very long, a few cups of coffee. I will tinker with it, just because im appreciative of your input and support.
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I dig the raw scaled down nature of this. Was it originally written on the piano? It always amazes me the different nature of tunes written on piano vs. ones written on guitar. Piano tunes sound much more Born To Run Than Darkness On The Edge of Town for lack of a better way to explain the difference. Enjoyed the story. Havn't heard the other tunes, but I like. If it makes the album, keep it piano. That made it for me.
Dave
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Hey Gocart. It actually started as a tune in my head, I had to chord it out later. The piano just seemed like a natural fit, and I guess it sounds convincing as a piano tune. The tontrack piano i used was very limited, so I dont think id go there, but it's a nice rough take. Even if i kept it scaled down to piano, I still need a better performance on piano than that. Thanks for the spin!
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A good hook and theme for a song. Can't say I've ever come across this one before! The story reads very well and I liked this, I've traded in a life of sin for one night with you. On to the music / vocal, I thought gave a nod to Springsteen. Good impressive write, which would get more recognition if there was anyone around here Cheers John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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I like this. Maybe, as Eddie says, needs another verse or something to round it up.
Vic
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