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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 99
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 99 |
While writing a comment in the shout box, I ended up with this hook. Hope it works for ya.
Uphill Both Ways
I remember when my last love fell apart It felt like forever gluein' pieces of my heart I thought the hurt would never end I wouldn't chance the pain to try again But distance from the damage let me go To a place where again I let love show
Don't care if I'm fallin'-------} Chorus Into love or out Sometimes is seems I just want to shout Why is this so hard A struggle every day Like my Daddy said It's uphill... Both ways
With chestnut hair and eyes an emerald green The most interesting woman I had seen Came floating through the crowd in front of me My heart was beating saying set me free I thought I couldn't find the words to say And all at once I'm back into the fray
Don't care if I'm fallin'-------} Chorus Into love or out Sometimes is seems I just want to shout Why is this so hard A struggle every day Like my Daddy said It's uphill... Both ways
She said hello and much to my surprise I said it back and looked into her eyes She said this won't ever be easy for you To win my love there's lots you need to do There's many ways for you to go astray I said I'm used to goin' uphill every day
Don't care if I'm fallin'-------} Chorus Into love or out Sometimes is seems I just want to shout Why is this so hard A struggle every day Like my Daddy said It's uphill... Both ways
Instrumental Break 8 Bars
Don't care ifI'mr fallin'-------} Chorus Into love or out Sometimes is seems I just want to shout Why is this so hard A struggle every day Like my Daddy said It's uphill... Both ways Uphill... Both... Ways
Copyright 12/2019 John W Selleck BMI
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,696 Likes: 43
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Verses serve the function of exposition, exposing the storyline, the set-up for the Chorus and the main point of a Song. There seems to be a lot of exposition here, maybe too much, keeping them waiting too long to get to the point. The Chorus is long too, so overall time becomes a concern. If you sing it, how long does it take to execute? That might tell you if it's too long.
I always want the pronoun, the 'I' to be the 'actor' for the 'action' of the verb.
Don't care if I'm fallin'...
Or:
I don't care if I'm fallin'...
The 'shout' Rhyme seems like a Grab-A-Rhyme, Rhyming for the sake of Rhyme, without adding much to the storyline. I run through the alphabet searching for other Rhymes that might be meaningful in the storyline. About, bout, clout, doubt, too early in the relationship to talk about your gout, house - a Near-Rhyme, joust, lout, mouth - ooo! That could work. pout, rout, south, tout.
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
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Hi Gary, Thanks again for your interest and comments. Like you I have been at this a while and understand the basics. Most lyrics I've seen leave many people wondering "Where is the meat to this story". I have been asked many times, please explain why he/she feels this way. One of the only lyricists I have seen that tells it all is Couch Grouch. I love his style so I am always working to make my mine more descriptive, within time constraints. I will sing this through on an MP3 and see where it comes out, if too long I will adjust as needed to 3:00 to 3:30. I will look at the "Shout" and may rewrite both lines there. Thanks again. New Chorus: Don't care if your fallin'-------} Chorus Into love or out Sometimes I wonder What's it all about Why is this so hard A struggle every day Like my Daddy said It's uphill... Both ways
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 169
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John. I like the new chorus.
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,041 Likes: 2
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Feel like you've got four perfect lines to the hook in the second half of the chorus. The rest doesn't read/sing in my head well. But those four lines are gold.
Marty my home Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
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Joined: Jul 2017
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Ckiphen
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Joined: Aug 2002
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I like the story-line and the Up Hill Both Ways theme. I'm with Gary and Marty on their comments.I'd recommend losing the" I don't care" part of the chorus. It makes the singer seem callous. A general statement like "It doesn't matter" would be a safer line. I don't get what "I just want to shout" adds to the chorus. Length is a concern here also. Why not convert V3 to a bridge as it brings a resolution to a decision to allow oneself to go "uphill" by falling in love again? Lose the instrumental and last chorus to get it down to a time length that the pros want.
Summeoyo
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