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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,124 Likes: 15
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OP
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An Occasional lover Verse She’s an occasional lover An incidental friend. It depends on the circumstance That we find ourselves in. Verse I thought I’d love the arrangement And for a while I did But more and more I find myself Needing to see her smile. Verse In the mornings when I wake up. Evenings when I come home. Whenever she isn’t with me. My house don’t feel like home. Pre chorus I find myself dreaming Like some fool school boy. When we’re apart its torture. Life’s hard to enjoy. Chorus Lately I feel I need more Than the wine she’s willing to pour. The wine she’s willing to pour. Verse I find I crave her attention. I need more than she’ll give. I’m afraid I’m falling for her. Dreaming of more than this. Verse I thought I’d love the arrangement And I did for a while But more and more I find myself Needing to see her smile. Verse In the mornings when I wake up. Evenings when I come home. Whenever she isn’t with me. My house don’t feel like home. Pre chorus I find myself dreaming Like some fool school boy. When we’re apart its torture. Life’s hard to enjoy. Chorus Lately I feel I need more Than the wine she’s willing to pour. The wine she’s willing to pour. Bridge I don’t want to see her now and then. I want us to be a thing. Be friends and lovers every day. Want to share each other’s dreams. Tag Not be Occasional lovers
Ckiphen
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,041 Likes: 2
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Quick rhyme tweak...
I thought I’d love the arrangement And I did for a while But more and more I find myself Needing to see her smile.
In the next verse you rhyme home with home - never liked that much.
Last edited by Marty Helly; 11/22/19 05:43 PM.
Marty my home Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 99
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Posts: 99 |
Hi, Please don't shoot me. I like a lot of the ideas and lines in this but I believe there is a lot of unnecessary repeating, and I would prefer to see your hook as part of the chorus. I believe a hook needs to be driven in more than the first and last lines. I don't know if you have visited any of my songs, but if you do you will see what I mean about the hook. You can also listen to some of my finished songs at the links below my name.
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Joined: Jul 2017
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Ckiphen
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 169
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I enjoyed and it’s a nice theme.
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,124 Likes: 15
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OP
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Ckiphen
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