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#1158846 - 11/24/19 01:57 AM SOLDIERS FIELD( Rewrite 2 Vic. Collab Vic/ Travis)  
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Travis david Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Soldiers Field © 2019 vaughan/Arnold Rewrite 2
V:
The sun is rising o'er the meadow
as I walk the hallowed ground
Trees have grown to cast their shadows
and the lark sings a pleasing sound
V:
Much greener grass than I remember
The pastures lush where wounds have healed
Morning dew on flowers so tender
But this for me is Soldiers Field
C:
If this soil one day reveals
the misery that it conceals
of a hundred years ago
many tears will flow
for the young men of all nations
when to Soldiers Field they go
Inst:
V:
I walk alone here night and day
I stand beside you as you greave
my soul can't find no place to lay
except upon this Soldiers Field
C:
Outro: I am that whisper on the breeze
and the rustling of the leaves
So here's to those who plant the seeds
Here we lie on Soldiers Field
____________________________________
SOLDIERS Field ( 1st rewrite Vic, collab Travis/Vic)
V:
The sun was rising o'er the meadow
as I walked the hallowed ground
Trees had grown to cast their shadows
and the lark sings a pleasing sound
V:
Much greener grass than I remember
The pastures lush where wounds have healed
Morning dew on flowers so tender
But this for me is Soldiers Field
C:
If this soil one day reveals
the misery that it conceals
of one hundred years ago
many tears will surely flow
for the young men of all nations
when to Soldiers Field they go
Inst:
V:
I walk alone here night and day
I stand beside you as you greave
my soul can't find no place to lay
except upon this Soldiers Field
C:
Outro: I am that whisper on the breeze
and the rustling of the leaves
So here's to those who plant the seeds



__________________________________________
SOLDIERS Field ( first draft)
V
The sun was rising, as I walked the meadow
the moon that hung casting its long shadows
Had disappeared, now a new days begun
as a goldfinch sings, its pleasing song

V
The grass is greener than I remember
sun lights morning dew on flowers so slender
The pastures lush where old wounds have healed
But will forever bare the name Soldiers Field
C
If the soil beneath one day reveals
the misery that its concealed
Of one hundred years ago
OCEANS of tears will flow
Over young men of all mations
Soldiers Field could not let go
V
I walk alone through night and through the day
my soul can't find no peace so here I stay
I might stand beside you as you greive
I'm that whisper on the breeze, rustling of the leaves

B
The glorious dead planted those seeds

C

Last edited by Travis david; 11/27/19 11:26 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158848 - 11/24/19 05:51 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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John W Selleck Offline
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Hi Travis,
This sings very well. I might change a word or two for flow but the funny this is I found myself singing this with an Irish accent ala "Danny Boy"! Imagine that!

#1158850 - 11/24/19 07:39 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Travis david Offline
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Cheers John I have it has a folk ballad, an Irish one is fine by me
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158852 - 11/24/19 08:37 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Vicarn Online content
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Very poetic John. Reads well as 1914-'18 war poem.
Would also work well as a folk song with a simple treatment and maybe the odd spoken line.

Vic


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#1158854 - 11/24/19 09:04 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Thanks Vic
Yes a spoken part would worh very well, folk song yes, mandolin intro perhaps?
Ta
John

Last edited by Travis david; 11/24/19 09:08 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158855 - 11/24/19 10:40 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Some nice sentiments there Travis. I think I would put it all in the present tense, rather than shift tenses after the first verse. Also, if this is supposed to be a First and/or Second World War song, I would find a different title. Soldier Field is where the Chicago Bears play football. Or you could change a few words and it could actually be about the Chicago Bears smile Just kidding, obviously. I think this could the basis of a good song.

#1158888 - 11/25/19 03:09 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Hi Gavin
Thanks for looking and your suggestions.
I used to be a boxing fan, Soldiers Field was venue of a big world title fight featuring one of my heroes, Jack Dempsey so I thought it might work on this lyric.
The 100 years refers to WW1 so it was a matter of past and presentcheers
Jihn


Last edited by Travis david; 11/25/19 03:55 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158918 - 11/26/19 05:10 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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#1158922 - 11/26/19 06:01 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks Calvin for the read through
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158926 - 11/26/19 09:57 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Dave Rice Online content
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Texas
Morning, Travis:

This has so much merit and I enjoyed the comments from so many JPF stalwarts. It is something worthy of spending more time to develop it to it's full potential. Nice work, my friend. Good to see you here again.

----Dave

#1158929 - 11/26/19 10:58 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Dave Rice]  
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Dave
Hope you are well?
No not been around much lately with one thing and another.
Vic has done a rewrite which is tighter and we're going for as a completed song.
All the best and thanks for the read and comments
John

Last edited by Travis david; 11/26/19 10:58 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158932 - 11/26/19 02:15 PM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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John W Selleck Offline
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Nice Collaboration, This reads and meters very well. Can't wait to hear it, with an Irish twist.

#1158960 - 11/27/19 02:27 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Thanks again John for the read.. Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158977 - 11/27/19 11:31 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Another rewrite bringing into the present tense


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1158982 - 11/27/19 01:26 PM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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I like it much better now. You've been through a few birds in the course of this, LOL, but the lark definitely seems the right choice for early morning. I love the idea of the wounds of the battlefield having healed.

Not entirely sure about these lines:
"Morning dew on flowers so tender
But this for me is Soldiers Field"

Grammatically, tender could refer to either the dew or the flowers, but neither of those can really be tender. How about...
"Many the dream that met its end here
This for me is Soldiers Field."

For me, the least resonant part is the chorus, especially this line: "many tears will surely flow." It's maybe just me, but it seems a little cliched and straining for a rhyme. I thought of this...

If this soil one day reveals
the wasted lives that it conceals
buried here one hundred years
morning dew will mix with tears
for the young men of all nations
who lie in Soldiers Field

Or if you wanted yet another rhyme smile

...for the young men who lie here
in Soldiers Field

I don't know the melody, so that might not work, but I thought it would be good to end the chorus on the hook itself.

Sorry for all the suggestions. I got a bit carried away - which is surely a good sign as far as the song is concerned.

#1158983 - 11/27/19 01:55 PM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Hi Gavin
Lark I agree works better.
Up with the Lark and all that is better and only one syllable of course.
The original line was flowers so slender which had a rewrite
Not truly convinced that the surely flow line is cliche but you brought it to light so that is worth a looking at
I've asked Vic to pop round to look at the other suggestion
Regards and thanks
John

Last edited by Travis david; 11/27/19 02:19 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1159035 - 11/29/19 11:48 PM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Travis (and Vic),

Really strong write . . . just begs for an old Irish melody and sound. Can't wait to hear what you two come up with.

My best to you both,

Deej

#1159091 - 12/01/19 03:43 AM Re: SOLDIERS FUELD [Re: Travis david]  
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Thanks Dave we appreciate your thumbs up
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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