Couch,

Nice. I like the tragic circumstances, and how we one can see justice feel like injustice. Music/melody very good, would have liked feeling a bit more emotion from the vocalist given the story.

Thanks for sharing,

steady-eddie

Great production! I think this would work better if the first verses were more about memories of the school girl and her relationship with the "hero", then the last line of V2 should be "Gin and coffee in his thermos, next to broken glass and steel".... Give it some punch.

Thanks guys. Eddie, I always pictured the narrator as being a guy whose actions speak louder than his words, so the semi-stoic delivery fits his character, as if Clint Eastwood were telling the story.

Japov, you have to write to the hook. That's something internet writers rarely do. I have to describe the "roadside rest", do it with details that fit the mood and foreshadow the story later on, as well as put the narrator there. Memories of the girl don't do that and would only waste precious space. For another song, another story, fine. But in this song, every idea should point to the Roadside Rest, each vs developing it further, with new info being revealed in the bridge, then out.

I'm sorry you feel the song lacks punch.

Well, ...... Respectfully grouch, I think you’re stuck on the roadside lol. Your "emotional hook" here is the REASON why daddy shot the drunk schoolbus driver, not the scene of the crime. But hey, that’s just me... another opinion in cyberspace

No, the hook is " roadside rest", which has a double meaning. The vss and bridge support that, as they should. There's a second layer where although the father avenged his daughter's death, his still feels like he's in prison when he hears his daughter laughing at the Roadside Rest. That's the story. Opening it with memories of the daughter wouldn't support the hook. In another song, yes.

To best illustrate your point, you'd have to write a song with a
double hook and two layers and show me how you did it.

I get what JAPOV is saying, but I think it also works fine the way it is. My only quibble would be that I think a chorus would help. I could imagine people listening in their car just waiting for the melody to rise at "I-10 roadside rest" and join in on an emotional chorus. Instead, the melody falls and stops at that point, which is dramatic, but, in my opinion, an opportunity lost. Just my opinion.

Lol.... Now you’re making my point for me...
Hey, grouch..., I only like it because it’s you

It's more of an introspective song, they can work, Nebraska is full of them.

My only quibble is that is a double hook really on par with such a haunting song?

Enjoyed the song the music fits the mood.

P.S. I dont think the song is saying there is a hero.

There's no hero in the song, I was confused by that comment. There are many, many songs with this structure in
the country/folk tradition. Hopefully the level of detail and extra layers of this one add to the genre.

love the tragedy songs,as always great vision in your words.I love the turntable in your pic as well.Mike

Hey Robert,

Yes, beautifully written and produced, and the delivery worked well.

I would use this one for a retro film circa 1975.

cheers, niteshift

Hi Guys,
This works very well, both the lyric and the production. I read all the comments, but I think having no chorus and the reveal near the end is very good. You hit the hook just enough times without overdoing it. It is a story song written by and performed by a storyteller.

Thanks guys and thanks for the comment about my turntable. I'll never be on The View discussing my Grammy nom or latest best seller but I'm pretty sure I have the coolest writer's den in America.

Ps...I'm taking down my Casablanca poster and replacing it with a mural of Greta....

Wonderful story-telling here couch - this thing has pathos dripping from every bar
Good demo - nice mix - the lyrics can be heard (very important in a story song) and the arrangement is solid.
No nits from me - I think it's great

Paul

Thanks Paul. It's long been a favorite of mine. Ten years on and I think it still holds up.