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#1158688 - 11/19/19 11:28 AM An Occasional lover  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 375
ckiphen Offline
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ckiphen  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 375
- Select One - houston, texas...
An Occasional lover
Verse
Shes an occasional lover
An incidental friend.
It depends on the circumstance
That we find ourselves in.
Verse
I thought Id love the arrangement
And for a while I did
But more and more I find myself
Needing to see her smile.
Verse
In the mornings when I wake up.
Evenings when I come home.
Whenever she isnt with me.
My house dont feel like home.
Pre chorus
I find myself dreaming
Like some fool school boy.
When were apart its torture.
Lifes hard to enjoy.
Chorus
Lately I feel I need more
Than the wine shes willing to pour.
The wine shes willing to pour.
Verse
I find I crave her attention.
I need more than shell give.
Im afraid Im falling for her.
Dreaming of more than this.
Verse
I thought Id love the arrangement
And I did for a while
But more and more I find myself
Needing to see her smile.
Verse
In the mornings when I wake up.
Evenings when I come home.
Whenever she isnt with me.
My house dont feel like home.
Pre chorus
I find myself dreaming
Like some fool school boy.
When were apart its torture.
Lifes hard to enjoy.
Chorus
Lately I feel I need more
Than the wine shes willing to pour.
The wine shes willing to pour.
Bridge
I dont want to see her now and then.
I want us to be a thing.
Be friends and lovers every day.
Want to share each others dreams.
Tag
Not be Occasional lovers

#1158807 - 11/22/19 05:40 PM Re: An Occasional lover [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,027
Marty Helly Offline
Marty Helly  Offline

Top 200 Poster

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,027
Florence, MA, USA
Quick rhyme tweak...

I thought Id love the arrangement
And I did for a while
But more and more I find myself
Needing to see her smile.


In the next verse you rhyme home with home - never liked that much.

Last edited by Marty Helly; 11/22/19 05:43 PM.

Marty my home

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
#1158816 - 11/23/19 06:28 AM Re: An Occasional lover [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 99
John W Selleck Offline
Serious Contributor
John W Selleck  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 99
Hi,
Please don't shoot me. I like a lot of the ideas and lines in this but I believe there is a lot of unnecessary repeating, and I would prefer to see your hook as part of the chorus. I believe a hook needs to be driven in more than the first and last lines. I don't know if you have visited any of my songs, but if you do you will see what I mean about the hook. You can also listen to some of my finished songs at the links below my name.

#1159251 - 12/04/19 02:07 PM Re: An Occasional lover [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 375
ckiphen Offline
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ckiphen  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 375
- Select One - houston, texas...
Thanks for the feedback

#1159254 - 12/04/19 02:23 PM Re: An Occasional lover [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
CTthomas Offline
Serious Contributor
CTthomas  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 77
I enjoyed and its a nice theme.

#1159524 - 12/11/19 12:20 PM Re: An Occasional lover [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 375
ckiphen Offline
Top 500 Poster
ckiphen  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 375
- Select One - houston, texas...
Thanks Appreciate it.


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