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#1158422 - 11/05/19 05:34 PM On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,921
MFB III Offline
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ohio
https://soundcloud.com/artwhimsical...ht-by-sepe-matthew-frederick-blowers-iii



It’s a sultry August night
with the light
at the cusp of dusk
and the sky is a sapphire
upside down bowl
that matches the bottomless
hole in my soul
that is so damn Blue
so damn blue.....

It’s a beautiful scene
but it’s faulty
cause my life without you
is so paltry
since you’ve traded my
love for adultery
and there’s so little
left I can do
except go on without you.

The artist in me
wants to repaint this scene
with a huge brush that’s dipped
in a palette that drips
from the tears that have slipped
from my now bone dry eyes….

Change it all to view
what would far more true
to the mood I exude
Stormy skies….
lightning flashing
hail slashing
and thunder that matches
the angst in your voice
when you told me the reasons
for your cold and cruel choice
to destroy all our loving
and then some
for a guy that you said
was more handsome.

But his heart must be ugly
and your heart’s now a match
and he’ll use you like Kleenex
till he finds his next catch
and then you will be standing
on some cold winter night
wishing it was still August\
back when your love took flight
back when you could have chosen
My heart which was true
instead of taking your detour
with a guy whose dumped you.

As you stand there all frozen
by the grief you’ll endure
realizing that our love
was a whole lot more pure
but you let your “Not sure.”
push me out of your soul
and loneliness is no cure...

The artist in me
wants to repaint this scene
with a huge brush that’s dipped
in a palette that drips
from the tears that have slipped
from my now bone dry eyes….
change it all to view
that would far more true
to the mood I exude

Stormy skies….
lightning flashing
hail slashing
and thunder that matches
the angst in your voice
when you told me the reasons
for your cold and cruel choice
It will plague you with pain

You will windup where I am
In the same kind of hole
filled with blues uncontrolled.
shedding love comes with tolls
trust me baby, I know
but since you’ve chosen to go.

Your life with me
will be paltry
since you’ve traded my
love for adultery
so go and wallow in your blues
soon you'll be standing in my shoes
wishing you had love that's true.
wishing you had love that's true.

Stellar Music written, arranged
and played by Sepe’s at: Soundcloud.com
Vocals, lyrics and melody line by
Matthew Frederick Blowers III
©-2019 as a collaboration


Last edited by MFB III; 11/06/19 11:19 PM.
#1158429 - 11/06/19 08:21 AM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,678
niteshift Online content
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Fiji
Hey MFB,

As one that has played the blues, I have to be honest and say this is one dis-jointed piece of work.

As Clapton said, the blues is the easy'st yet the hardest to master.

Please get some structure together and give it some meaning.

cheers, niteshift

#1158454 - 11/06/19 11:14 PM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,921
MFB III Offline
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MFB III  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,921
ohio
Sepe my co- writer is sending me a version of the music with more room for the vocals and lyrics between the stellar riffs he creates. Until then I have posted this rough draft which is also on some charts already and doing well amidst the non-trained ear listeners. Blues are hard but I will pay my dues in redos to capture the soul of Sepe's spng.

#1158455 - 11/06/19 11:16 PM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,921
MFB III Offline
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MFB III  Offline
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Posts: 3,921
ohio
Perhaps a joint might have helped it too be less disjointed but alas i have given up herbs thanks so much for your interest and superb critiques and comment. i respect you at JPF becasue you offer so much to us all.

#1158456 - 11/07/19 12:11 AM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,678
niteshift Online content
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niteshift  Online Content
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Fiji
Ha ! Yes, a joint for the disjointed and it should all come out straight. smile

cheers, niteshift

#1158457 - 11/07/19 07:50 AM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,768
Gary E. Andrews Offline
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Gary E. Andrews  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,768
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Repetition sets a pattern I would expect to repeat, like So Damn Blue, which makes it the likely title, THE Hook.

Verse I
It’s a sultry August night
with the light
at the cusp of dusk
and the sky is a sapphire ('and'*)
upside down bowl
that matches the bottomless
hole in my soul
that is so damn Blue
so damn blue.....
(*'and' is a 'connector' word writers employ, but singers and listeners can get the Lines without it. Reading a Lyric I often perceive that it isn't necessary and the Line meaning isn't changed by deleting it. Also 'but', and 'cause/because'. 'and' can be particularly troublesome when sung, as singers often don't enunciate the 'a' sound, leaving 'nd' to slur into the next word. 'And I' becomes 'die'. When readers or listeners have to interrupt the read/listen to figure out what you intended for them to read/hear instead of what they did read/hear, well, it's just that, an interruption. While making sense of it they're falling behind on following your storyline. Simplify, if you can.)

Verse II
It’s a beautiful scene (Rhyme-Scheme pattern 'set' in Verse I, not followed in Verse II.)
but it’s faulty
cause my life without you
is so paltry
since you’ve traded my
love for adultery
and there’s so little (There's little left to do)
left I can do (It's So Damned Blue)
except go on without you. (So Damned Blue)

The artist in me (This Stanza, with a variant Melody, something to break the Repetition, could work as a Bridge.)
wants to repaint this scene
with a huge brush that’s dipped
in a palette that drips
from the tears that have slipped
from my now bone dry eyes….

(The pattern set, in my expectation, would be to maintain the 9-Line Verse Structure, ending with THE Hook, "So Damned Blue". You abandon that pattern with the short 6-Line Stanza above, which seemed (one listen) to be vocally delivered in pretty much the same Melody as the two preceding Verses. This next Stanza goes further afield from the 'pattern' I would expect, 12 Lines, no Repeat of THE Hook. A rewrite might pare it down to fit the expected patterning of traditional Blues style.)
Change it all to view
what would (be) far more true
to the mood I exude

Stormy skies…. (Like this 9-Line option.)
lightning flashing
hail slashing
and thunder that matches (consider deleting 'and', just an extra word a singer has to fit, often slurring 'nd' into the next word.)
the angst in your voice
when you told me the reasons ('when you TELL me the reason', staying with a 'happening now' feel.)
for your cold and cruel choice (Delete 'and'? Triple C alliteration, 'cold, cruel choice.
(It's So Damned Blue
So Damned Blue) (Expectation of Pattern Repeat, supplying Structure listener can relate to.)

to destroy all our loving
and then some
for a guy that you said
was more handsome.

(Verse III, 9-Lines)
But his heart must be ugly ('But' is another word easy to delete. Line speaks same, sings better without it.)
and your heart’s now a match (Delete 'and' here and next Line?)
and he’ll use you like Kleenex (Brand name, could be product placement, with permission from Registered trademark.)
(He'll use you for pleasure, alternative Line.)
till he finds his next catch
and then you will be standing ('and'?)
on some cold winter night
wishing it was still August
(It's So Damned Blue,
So Damned Blue)

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 11/07/19 07:51 AM.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1158458 - 11/07/19 07:57 AM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,768
Gary E. Andrews Offline
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Gary E. Andrews  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,768
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Suggested re-write: "So Damned Blue"

Verse I
It’s a sultry August night
with the light
at the cusp of dusk
The sky is a sapphire
upside down bowl
that matches the bottomless
hole in my soul
that is So Damned Blue
So Damned Blue

Verse II
It’s a beautiful scene
but it’s faulty
cause my life without you
is so paltry
since you’ve traded my
love for adultery
There's little left to do
It's So Damned Blue
So Damned Blue

Bridge?
The artist in me
wants to repaint this scene
with a huge brush that’s dipped
in a palette that drips
from the tears that have slipped
from my now bone dry eyes….

Stormy skies….
lightning flashing
hail slashing
Thunder that matches
the angst in your voice
when you tell me the reasons
for your cold and cruel choice
It's So Damned Blue
So Damned Blue

Verse III
His heart must be ugly
Your heart’s now a match
He'll use you for pleasure,
till he finds his next catch
Then you will be standing
on some cold winter night
wishing it was still August
It's So Damned Blue,
So Damned Blue

(How long would it be at this point? Is there room for a Verse IV?)
The artist in me
wants to repaint this scene
with a huge brush that’s dipped
in a palette that drips
from the tears that have slipped
from my now bone dry eyes….
It's So Damned Blue.
So Damned Blue.
(Coda)
It's So Damned Blue.
So Damned Blue.

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 11/07/19 08:01 AM.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1158467 - 11/07/19 01:05 PM Re: On A Sultry August Night.-by Sepe & Me [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,921
MFB III Offline
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MFB III  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,921
ohio
Hey Gary, brilliant critique on the lyrics, much like nightshift whpo pointed out some discrepancies. Sepe has sent me a 9 minute remix with room for all of the verses between the riffs. Thsi will allow me to play with the blues factor without singing over the stellar riffs. I will use your set of lyrics and give you credit as well for your hlep. Thanks ever so much. I will repost the new version when it is finished.


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