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THIS IS GOING AWAY - DO NOT COMMENT AND BRING IT BACK
(SEE LAST POST) thank you


Grapefruit Moon by Wendy DuMond

- Players: Wendy DuMond (ukulele, vocals, percussion); Jim Kirkland (flute & mandolin); Don Sechelski (bass & production)

https://soundcloud.com/mamby-p/grapefruit-moon-1

Will you take hold of my hand
By the light of the grapefruit moon
Will you come away with me
Like the dish that went away with the spoon

We could live a fairy tale
Wake beauty from her sleep
We could find a boat and set sail
Over the wine dark deep

Will there be an indian summer
Or will winter come along too soon
Baby you could be my lover
By the light of the grapefruit moon

See the willow he ain't weepin
He's a peacock fanning out his plume
And he's looking for his beautiful lady
In the light of the grapefruit moon

(Break)

Ooh, the grapefruit moon
Across the sky tonight
Linger here with me
Until the morning light

Hey Wendy,
Happened by and there was a new post by you. I know I owe you a communication. I am listening to this on a lap top so I can't comment on any of the mixing questions you asked.
But I can say this I love the song. I don't have an instrument with me to figure out the progression you used but it sounds really fresh and tight (where you liberally using a #7 cord like that song Mexican Wrestler or a major that would usually be minor??)
Feels to me you are writing with confidence. Wonderful prosody everything fits, you create quite a compelling emotion in 2:52.
Tom
PS wish I could see you guys preform this.

This is a fantastic mix, Wendy. It is straightforward and clear—every element sits in the mix naturally, and we're not aware of the mix at all, just the song. I was just listening, for the 90th time, to Leon Redbone's "Shine On Harvest Moon", which you posted on Facebook, and I can hear that same approach right here. It's really, REALLY good. No need to change anything.

As a song, it's a stone classic. It may suck to be undiscovered, but at least you know you're doing the lord's work. What a great song.

Its a lovely song, Wendy and the arrangement and mix work perfectly for me - simple and natural.

I've got Joni Mitchell in the earbuds and don't have the heart to turn her off to listen right now.

But I do see a Lyrical edit I'd suggest.
Your title, THE Hook, seems to function as a Refrain-Type Chorus, a Chorus-Refrain, a single Line ending Verse III and Verse IV, but not in Verse I.
(As opposed to a Stanza-Type Chorus.)

You could easily switch Verse I Lines around, putting that emotionally appealing 'Will you come away with me' Line first, and getting the Chorus-Refrain in that strategic last-Line position. Verse II can probably get away with not adhering to the pattern.

Will you come away with me
Like the dish that went away with the spoon
Will you take hold of my hand
By the light of the Grapefruit Moon

We could live a fairy tale
Wake beauty from her sleep
We could find a boat and set sail
Over the wine dark deep (Love that Line!)

Will there be an Indian summer
Or will winter come along too soon
Baby you could be my lover
By the light of the Grapefruit Moon

See the willow he ain't weepin
He's a peacock fanning out his plume
And he's looking for his beautiful lady
In the light of the Grapefruit Moon

(Break)

Ooh, the Grapefruit Moon
Across the sky tonight
Linger here with me
Until the morning light

That last Stanza could switch Lines around too, to land on THE Hook to end.

Linger here with me
Until the morning light.
Across the sky tonight,
You, and me, and the Grapefruit Moon.

Wendy,

What’s not to like here—I think you’ve struck the perfect balance on the production mix. You could tinker with it here and there . . . but I suspect you’ll end up pretty much with what you have. And I find, at a certain point, the more you mess with it, the more you’ll make it worse. It’s pretty perfect as is—sweet and engaging. I say, "Let It Fly!" Enjoyed this a lot. I bet it goes over really well live.

Best regards,

Deej

Hi Wendy,


This is very pleasing to the ear, good job.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

I am just popping-in to thank folks for listening.

Also, I wanted to address the comment Gary made re: listening to Joni Mitchell, etc. I assume that was a bit of a jab re: my comment that I know I owe some of you crits.

Just so you know, I work full-time for a law firm (long hours), have a teenage daughter, and take care of my 90 year-old mother. I also do music on the side and if I am not doing any of the aforementioned things (work, daughter, mom), I am practicing for a show or playing one. I post here on a self-imposed honor system of only putting up songs for a short period of time and being very specific about what kind of help I am seeking. I let these threads die after a few comments and will label somewhere in the thread when I am no longer commenting, so the thread can die and someone else gets attention and critiques. Sometimes I just let it die without doing this because I just don't have time to come back to it.

I try not to abuse this and therefore do not post often. I also do come back at random times and put up critiques. This is mostly when I do not have a song posted. Sometimes it takes me a bit of time to do this.

I have been on this forum since 2007 and was a lot more active back then. Many of the regulars here know me. However, I can understand if you do not wish to comment on my stuff. It is okay either way, just don't be insulting.

Maybe I should not post at all anymore? If ya'll have an opinion either way, let me know. You can send me a message. Many of you guys know me and can also message me on FB. I will get back to the thread later this evening and respond individually to the comments. Then I will label it killed and will not add any additional comments.

Anyway, thanks again to those who listened. I appreciate your ears and thoughts.

Wendy, I doubt very much that Gary intended his post as a jab of any kind. That would be very un-Gary-like, at least in my experience . I think he was just explaining why he was commenting on the lyric only.

I hope he finds time to listen to the song too. It's very enjoyable.

Exactamundo! No jab. Just letting you know why I wasn't commenting as you requested on the sound.

I'd stumbled into Joni's "Hejira", 51 minutes, and was enjoying her sophistry in jazz-ish whatever genre, and thought it might be interesting to you as well. She's one well worth a study. I can't understand much of what she sings, but that's true of most of what I hear these days.

This is an example of how easily we can be misunderstood on the internet. We don't know people. We can't hear a tone of voice or see a facial tell, and it's easy to assume any given attitude from the printed word.

I take it none of what I said about the Lyric was meaningful. I'll be more careful in future to only comment on what the post asks for. Please accept my apologies.

Hello Wendy,

I like your song very much and your voice is very nice and sits in the mix well - I don't think you need to change anything with your production (although I am not an expert on this).

The style of the song needs a simple, melody driven delivery and I think you have that already.

Hi Wendy.

I love this old fashioned music/vocal feel you have going here--it has a 1920's flavor. Great mix and you know I love your voice! Your mix sounds right on to me, I in my head heard real metalic spoons coming in maybe 2nd verse for a "back-beat" to oppose bass drum beat--but not so much to dampen uke sound--just perhaps giving it a crisper resolve.

Great song, great performance.

steady-eddie

Thanks everybody for commenting.

Gary - I apologize for being a butt. Ignore me. I've been really struggling with depression lately and feel like a mess 2/3 of the time these days.

Re: the lyric. It mirrors the structure of the nursery rhyme I took it from

"Will you come away with me, like the dish that went away with the spoon."

The nursery rhyme's structure is: "a little dog lied to see such a sport, and the dish ran away with the spoon."

I do tend to write songs with a "word" hook as opposed to a clear chorus hook, etc. I'm not sure why but that seems to be the structure I gravitate to lyric wise. Believe me, I work a lot on the lyrics to whittle them down and am always asking myself "what am I trying to say." This song actually has been in the hopper for four years now, constantly evolving.

Anyway, I am letting the thread die.

Thanks for your time and attention everyone!

Magic words: Depression: "This is just a 'thing' and it will pass." Guaranteed or your money back!

Well that’s a crying shame Wendy... I'm sure glad I got a chance to hear it before it goes away! Definitely a tip of the hat to the 30s-40s I believe. Was a breath of fresh air, thanks for that!

I have nothing of value to add, but I just felt bad about letting a thread die, so...

Hi.

My experience is that Gary is very sincere, and wants to help and improve his own writing. I have never seen him to be a nitpicker for fun, but maybe a nitpicker to be helpful.

It would be a disservice handcuffing Garys methods.

I thought the song was solid, and the fact of the matter is, i could post a hit song, or moreso, a legendary song that has stood the test of time, and has been played millions of times, and somebody could still dissect it and find something that doesnt sit well with them, and it may seem reasonable.

We tend to do it more to our peers because we feel they are on the same wave length as we are, but we wont doubt the hit maker....

Nobody really knows whats a good song, we may know a bad song better than a good one cause they stand out.

There is that "well if you are saying something, you must not respect it, and must not think it's that good to begin with, which we wouldn't do to our favorites artists.

For me now, its just do I like this or dont I. For somebody just learning the craft maybe I can offer something, but nobody REALLY wants to hear something they worked hard on stinks.

This was a solid song, in my view

LOVE YOUR SONG Wendy the melody is just right it came over

well on my Lap Top, always loved uke songs as a kid i listened to

George Formby from he U K his songs were prolific during W W 2

and they were even more popular with the military who fought on

the front line .

Would love to hear more of your songs , will take time to listen at

your Web Site

Take Care that reminds me-- I will have to get my Banjo Ukulele repaired