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#1153827 - 06/05/19 12:04 PM Lonely fool  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
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Irwin  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Hi guys, this song is a collaboration I did with two of my friends and I am asking for some feedback.

https://soundcloud.com/jay-williams-productions/lonely-fool


Lonely Fool

©2019 Irwin Byron Abrigo


(First verse)

If anybody see my baby

Tell her that I'm feeling lonely

Cause not anyone

Can do the things she does

She keeps me lively

In the day time

Make's me groan in the night

But now that she's gone I really


(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room

A chair is still a chair

The bed still lies there

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a lonely fool

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door

When I got home



(Second verse)

If anybody see my lady

Tell her that I'm going crazy

She said she's leaving

Miss understanding

I said baby don't you worry

I will be happy

But that was a lie

Cause now I really


(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room

A chair is still a chair

The bed still lies there

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a lonely fool

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door

When I got home


(Bridge)

I donít want to be a lonely fool

Sitting alone in these lonely rooms

Since sheís been gone there been pain in my brain

Asking myself over and over again

Am I a fool (no) did all I had to do (Yes)

Then why sheís not in my presents

Why in my arms she is absent


(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room

A chair is still a chair

The bed still lies there

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a lonely fool

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door

When I got home

Last edited by Irwin; 06/05/19 12:17 PM.
#1153916 - 06/08/19 08:42 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Neil Cotton Offline
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Neil Cotton  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
Not what I usually listen to...for me the delivery of bridge is too quick to catch the lyrics

The breaks toward the end are confusing to me as a newbie listener...it's a matter of choice.

How does one dance to this with it's varied tempos?

With 4 agreeing on this, it must be what you are going for.
All the best

#1153971 - 06/11/19 08:49 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
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Irwin  Offline
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Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Hi Neil, Thanks for the the comment. This song it is a collaboration with three of us so, I was not in full control of things, but I understand just what you are saying.

Irwin

#1153982 - 06/11/19 01:47 PM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,462
GocartMoz Offline
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GocartMoz  Offline
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Posts: 1,462
Florida
Hello Irwin,

The sequenced parts, for me overpower the vocal, such that it is difficult to discern the melody, which for me is the essence of a song. I think there is something good here, but in my mind the vocal melody needs a different rhythmic background. It is like you have a dance mix musical bed for a song that needs a more classic rhythm. I like the idea of the lyric and think this could be excellent. It deserves a re-working of the musical bed imo.

Thanks for posting.

Dave

Last edited by GocartMoz; 06/11/19 02:00 PM.
#1154042 - 06/13/19 08:08 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: GocartMoz]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
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Irwin  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Originally Posted by GocartMoz
Hello Irwin,

The sequenced parts, for me overpower the vocal, such that it is difficult to discern the melody, which for me is the essence of a song. I think there is something good here, but in my mind the vocal melody needs a different rhythmic background. It is like you have a dance mix musical bed for a song that needs a more classic rhythm. I like the idea of the lyric and think this could be excellent. It deserves a re-working of the musical bed imo.

Thanks for posting.

Dave


Yes Dave, I do agree with you the song was written for pop/classic music so I may have to let another producer re-working of the musical bed.

Thanks for the giving your input into my song.

Irwin

#1154208 - 06/16/19 10:00 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,651
Martin Lide Offline
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Martin Lide  Offline
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Posts: 1,651
Houston, Texas
Interesting juxtapositions.

Liked em in spots, not as much in others, but enjoyed the listen.

Martin

#1154241 - 06/17/19 06:27 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,728
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,728
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Irwin
I would really have liked to hear this with the melody standing proud what i did hear was good.
The electronic bits aren't for me at all.
But again a good melody
Regards
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1154931 - 07/06/19 12:37 PM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Martin Lide]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
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Irwin  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Originally Posted by Martin Lide
Interesting juxtapositions.

Liked em in spots, not as much in others, but enjoyed the listen.

Martin


Thanks Martin, I appreciate you taking the time to listen and saying what you felt.

#1155728 - 08/06/19 07:47 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
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Irwin  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Originally Posted by Travis david
Hi Irwin
I would really have liked to hear this with the melody standing proud what i did hear was good.
The electronic bits aren't for me at all.
But again a good melody
Regards
Travis



Thank you Travis for giving your thoughts, I am listening to what you are saying. "the melody standing proud " I like that.

#1155732 - 08/06/19 10:50 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,541
Gary E. Andrews Offline
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Gary E. Andrews  Offline
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Posts: 1,541
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
"Lonely Fool"

© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo

(Verse I)

If anybody see my baby
Tell her that I'm feeling lonely
'Cause not anyone
Can do the things she does (I would expect 'does' to be Rhymed at the end of Verse I)
She keeps me lively
In the day time

Make's me groan in the night (Makes me MOAN at night, 3 M's)
('In the night she makes me moan' would set up Rhyme for 'gone')

But now that she's gone I really (Delete 'But'. Just sing, 'Now that she's gone'.)
(Maybe delete 'I really'. If you say 'I really' it implies there's something more, 'I really feel, I really think, I really can't, I really do...')
('Near-Rhyme for 'does', "I MISS HOW IT WAS")

(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room (Would it be more 'real' if the Singer-Character says, 'THIS room is still a room'? Saying 'The' room is not specific like 'This room'. Maybe sounds more like he's there in 'This room', instead of somewhere else talking about 'The' room.)

A chair is still a chair (THIS chair...)(Or, 'HER room is still a room. HER chair...)

The bed still lies there (OUR bed...)

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a Lonely Fool (IT'S JUST A HOME FOR a Lonely Fool)

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door (MY door...Let him 'own' it.)

When I GET home
I'M JUST A LONELY FOOL (Say it again to emphasize the title, THE Hook.)

(Verse II)

If anybody seeS my lady (Here you have a Hard-Rhyme in Lines 1 & 2, 'lady/crazy'. Rhyme helps listeners 'get' the Lyric.)
Tell her that I'm going crazy
She said she's leaving

Miss understanding ('Miss' is like 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.' The word 'misunderstanding' may be what you intend. Again, I would expect 'understanding' to be Rhymed at the end. It is left hanging, Un-Rhymed, here.)

I said, "Baby don't you worry
I will be happy!"
That was a lie (I WAS LYING TO MYSELF)

Cause now I really (I DON'T WANT NOBODY ELSE)
(WAS I TOO DEMANDING?)

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.

(Bridge)

I donít want to be a Lonely Fool
Sitting alone in these lonely rooms
Since sheís been gone there'S been pain in my brain
Asking myself over and over again,
"Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)"

Then why IS she not in my presence? (presence = 'here', 'presents' = 'gifts')

Why in my arms IS she absent?

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Coda)
If she's not here to open the door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.

(TAKING OUT MY NOTES TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE)
"Lonely Fool"

© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo

(Verse I)

If anybody see my baby
Tell her that I'm feeling lonely
'Cause not anyone
Can do the things she does
She keeps me lively
In the day time
In the night she makes me moan
Now that she's gone
I miss how it was

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

It's just a home for a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool

(Verse II)

If anybody sees my lady
Tell her that I'm going crazy
She said she's leaving
Misunderstanding
I said, "Baby don't you worry
I will be happy!"
I was lying to myself
I don't want nobody else
Was I too demanding?

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

Iít's just a home for a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.

(Bridge)

I donít want to be a Lonely Fool
Sitting alone in these lonely rooms
Since sheís been gone there's been pain in my brain
Asking myself over and over again,
"Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)"
Then why is she not in my presence?
Why in my arms IS she absent?

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

It's just a home for a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Coda)
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1155740 - 08/06/19 04:24 PM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
California
Hi Irwin,

You have a really cool bit of electronica here!

There's very little need to be done to make this great, I believe.

The music should come down 15-20 % and 50-60 % in the chorus. The drums can peak out the meters, so they can come down around 10%..

The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression.

The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears.

Some sustained chordal pads running throughout would make it much warmer. Nothing fancy, just the sustained chords, or even sustained single notes, but choose a nice, pleasant, almost ambient sound to offset the "harder" sounds you are using throughout the song.

Then maybe consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus, to give the track the feeling of "engaging" and "lifting off.." But also consider using the snare all the way through, starting with the first chorus..On your song, I hear the snare just on the 2 in the early parts, then just on the 4 later..but make it stand out a tiny bit more and make it fall on both the 2 and 4 together throughout the song, starting with the first chorus ..add reverb..and then the listener will FEEL the groove.. smile Maybe you are going for more of an experimental than a dance sound, but a recurring pulse is something prevalent in the more popular styles within the electronica umbrella. I hear the kick drum pounding out 4 quarter notes 1,2,3,4, on many pieces..

Just my thoughts and opinions..

Mike


Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 08/07/19 01:25 AM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1155837 - 08/13/19 10:08 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Gary E. Andrews]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
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Irwin  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Originally Posted by Gary E. Andrews
"Lonely Fool"

© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo

(Verse I)

If anybody see my baby
Tell her that I'm feeling lonely
'Cause not anyone
Can do the things she does (I would expect 'does' to be Rhymed at the end of Verse I)
She keeps me lively
In the day time

Make's me groan in the night (Makes me MOAN at night, 3 M's)
('In the night she makes me moan' would set up Rhyme for 'gone')

But now that she's gone I really (Delete 'But'. Just sing, 'Now that she's gone'.)
(Maybe delete 'I really'. If you say 'I really' it implies there's something more, 'I really feel, I really think, I really can't, I really do...')
('Near-Rhyme for 'does', "I MISS HOW IT WAS")

(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room (Would it be more 'real' if the Singer-Character says, 'THIS room is still a room'? Saying 'The' room is not specific like 'This room'. Maybe sounds more like he's there in 'This room', instead of somewhere else talking about 'The' room.)

A chair is still a chair (THIS chair...)(Or, 'HER room is still a room. HER chair...)

The bed still lies there (OUR bed...)

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a Lonely Fool (IT'S JUST A HOME FOR a Lonely Fool)

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door (MY door...Let him 'own' it.)

When I GET home
I'M JUST A LONELY FOOL (Say it again to emphasize the title, THE Hook.)

(Verse II)

If anybody seeS my lady (Here you have a Hard-Rhyme in Lines 1 & 2, 'lady/crazy'. Rhyme helps listeners 'get' the Lyric.)
Tell her that I'm going crazy
She said she's leaving

Miss understanding ('Miss' is like 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.' The word 'misunderstanding' may be what you intend. Again, I would expect 'understanding' to be Rhymed at the end. It is left hanging, Un-Rhymed, here.)

I said, "Baby don't you worry
I will be happy!"
That was a lie (I WAS LYING TO MYSELF)

Cause now I really (I DON'T WANT NOBODY ELSE)
(WAS I TOO DEMANDING?)

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.

(Bridge)

I donít want to be a Lonely Fool
Sitting alone in these lonely rooms
Since sheís been gone there'S been pain in my brain
Asking myself over and over again,
"Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)"

Then why IS she not in my presence? (presence = 'here', 'presents' = 'gifts')

Why in my arms IS she absent?

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Coda)
If she's not here to open the door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.

(TAKING OUT MY NOTES TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE)
"Lonely Fool"

© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo

(Verse I)

If anybody see my baby
Tell her that I'm feeling lonely
'Cause not anyone
Can do the things she does
She keeps me lively
In the day time
In the night she makes me moan
Now that she's gone
I miss how it was

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

It's just a home for a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool

(Verse II)

If anybody sees my lady
Tell her that I'm going crazy
She said she's leaving
Misunderstanding
I said, "Baby don't you worry
I will be happy!"
I was lying to myself
I don't want nobody else
Was I too demanding?

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

Iít's just a home for a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.

(Bridge)

I donít want to be a Lonely Fool
Sitting alone in these lonely rooms
Since sheís been gone there's been pain in my brain
Asking myself over and over again,
"Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)"
Then why is she not in my presence?
Why in my arms IS she absent?

(Pre chorus)

This room is still a room
This chair is still a chair
Our bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)

It's just a home for a Lonely Fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Coda)
If she's not here to open my door
When I get home
I'm just a Lonely Fool.


Interesting edit Gary, you are very talented on rewrites and editing lyrics. This is an eye opener for me. thanks for leaving your input.

#1155851 - 08/14/19 08:17 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Irwin]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,541
Gary E. Andrews Offline
Top 200 Poster
Gary E. Andrews  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,541
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
You're welcome Irwin. American English is a complex language, made up from all the other languages of planet Earth. If it isn't your first language, the one you learned growing up and speak every day, there are things we say that may not make sense in translation.

Mainly I saw flaws in your Rhyme-Scheme that I thought could be fixed. Rhyme helps hit the beat, an essential tool in prosody, the 'marriage' of the Lyric and Melody to the arrangement (instrumental accompaniment).

I hope you can sing it my way. Working with words on the written page is different than trying to sing them. Sometimes what I think works on the page doesn't translate right to vocalizing. I wish you luck with it though. Your Singer-Character, "A Lonely Fool", doesn't admit to being at fault for the Love-Interest Character leaving. That makes him real to me. We men often can't admit that we're not so 'cool' as we think we are. LOL (Laugh Out Loud).

Good luck with your "Lonely Fool".


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1155854 - 08/14/19 09:18 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
Top 500 Poster
Irwin  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Originally Posted by Michael Zaneski
Hi Irwin,

You have a really cool bit of electronica here!

There's very little need to be done to make this great, I believe.

The music should come down 15-20 % and 50-60 % in the chorus. The drums can peak out the meters, so they can come down around 10%..

The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression.

The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears.

Some sustained chordal pads running throughout would make it much warmer. Nothing fancy, just the sustained chords, or even sustained single notes, but choose a nice, pleasant, almost ambient sound to offset the "harder" sounds you are using throughout the song.

Then maybe consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus, to give the track the feeling of "engaging" and "lifting off.." But also consider using the snare all the way through, starting with the first chorus..On your song, I hear the snare just on the 2 in the early parts, then just on the 4 later..but make it stand out a tiny bit more and make it fall on both the 2 and 4 together throughout the song, starting with the first chorus ..add reverb..and then the listener will FEEL the groove.. smile Maybe you are going for more of an experimental than a dance sound, but a recurring pulse is something prevalent in the more popular styles within the electronica umbrella. I hear the kick drum pounding out 4 quarter notes 1,2,3,4, on many pieces..

Just my thoughts and opinions..

Mike



Hi Mike,Your thoughts and opinions are valuable. I hear every word you've say and everything you have commented on.

"I especially took notice of "consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus".

And " The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression".

Also " The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears."

Very good advice you are giving me here Mike, Thanks a lot.

Irwin

#1155996 - 08/21/19 11:48 AM Re: Lonely fool [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Irwin Offline
Top 500 Poster
Irwin  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 634
Georgetown,Guyana,South Americ...
Originally Posted by Michael Zaneski
Hi Irwin,

You have a really cool bit of electronica here!

There's very little need to be done to make this great, I believe.

The music should come down 15-20 % and 50-60 % in the chorus. The drums can peak out the meters, so they can come down around 10%..

The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression.

The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears.

Some sustained chordal pads running throughout would make it much warmer. Nothing fancy, just the sustained chords, or even sustained single notes, but choose a nice, pleasant, almost ambient sound to offset the "harder" sounds you are using throughout the song.

Then maybe consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus, to give the track the feeling of "engaging" and "lifting off.." But also consider using the snare all the way through, starting with the first chorus..On your song, I hear the snare just on the 2 in the early parts, then just on the 4 later..but make it stand out a tiny bit more and make it fall on both the 2 and 4 together throughout the song, starting with the first chorus ..add reverb..and then the listener will FEEL the groove.. smile Maybe you are going for more of an experimental than a dance sound, but a recurring pulse is something prevalent in the more popular styles within the electronica umbrella. I hear the kick drum pounding out 4 quarter notes 1,2,3,4, on many pieces..

Just my thoughts and opinions..

Mike



Hi Michael, Your comment and suggestions their are so welcoming and I do appreciate every word you've said.

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to reply.

Irwin


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