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#1155050 - 07/09/19 08:25 PM Safe Haven  
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 107
JaneK Offline
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JaneK  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2017
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California
This is a song I would like to have an alt-rock sound to it. I recorded this myself so let me have it!


Safe Haven

I hide myself
Iím buried in a hole
My true feelings
Are not for sale

Not a mere visitor
To a life of pain
Not letting go
Leaves too much to gain

I cover my self with useless words
Words nobodyís every heard

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul


All I want is to be
Not just a memory
Of an empty shell

I hold onto my fear
Of letting go
Never jumping out
From dread of the unknown

I cover myself with useless words
Words nobodyís every heard

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul

A haven for my soulÖÖ.

https://soundcloud.com/user-296863402/safe-haven/s-U2GEL

#1155051 - 07/09/19 08:51 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,302
Dave Rice Offline
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Hi Jane:

Enjoyed reading the lyric as the song progressed. Loved the melody and lyric. Not knowing your recording technique, I can only respond by saying, "The vocal is being overpowered by the melody... and that is easily corrected, depending on how you record. Otherwise, you have the opportunity to practice by re-recording the song.
Best of luck with "Haven." ----Dave

#1155056 - 07/09/19 11:07 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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MFB III Offline
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Love the lyrics they wail out the need for some peace and a haven with an e added to it that becomes a H-e-AVEN. Your vocals tell it all in such an expressive way and the piano spells out the mood in a way that befits the story.Thanks for the share of a deeply touching fragile moment in your life.

#1155065 - 07/10/19 02:39 AM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JAPOV Offline
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It would be easy enough to simply add some emphasizing percussion and guitars to this.... What do you actually have in mind?

BTW, your voice sounds oddly familiar to me..... can't quite place that accent.... smile


JAPOV is Just Another Point Of View but my friends call me Tony. If you like to sing then I'd like to know ya' smile https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/?bandID=1449856
#1155082 - 07/10/19 12:06 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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JaneK  Offline
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California
Thank you for listening MB, Japov and Dave.

It is just a draft of song I would like to take to the next level - I am picturing guitar, drums, bass to get a fuller sound. No more pro studios for me. I like to run it by the forum before I do it.


Jane

#1155099 - 07/10/19 03:14 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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Michael Zaneski Offline
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Hi Jane,

I think it's a beautiful song that just needs your vocal in front and better production.

I like how it's deceptive musically. The chorus starts like an extension of the verse chord progression, then creates its own space.

Maybe tighten up the piano solo near the end.

I think this one might work best kept stripped down, in that I find when the singer-songwriter is baring their soul, to not clutter it up too much, but let the singer stay emotionally naked while telling their story. It helps keep the vulnerability that's there, intact. smile

I can also hear something musical going on that would symbolize that "haven" in the chorus--something Brian Eno would call 'musical furniture', perhaps. Something that swirls around, and feels like a thing you could touch, involving suspensions and repeated notes.

Alt rock like Tori Amos. Piano the lead instrument, musical instrumentation following organically but kept simple,

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 07/10/19 11:40 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1155102 - 07/10/19 04:42 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Guy E. Trepanier Online content
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I especially like the way you start the chorus.

This recording works fine for me.
Haven or Heaven?

Have fun!


K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple and Singable
Soundclick: Songs buy Guy E. Trepanier
#1155113 - 07/10/19 09:58 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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California
Thank you very much for the nice words Mike and Guy (I am having fun!).

#1155116 - 07/11/19 05:53 AM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
Joined: Apr 2002
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Calvin Offline
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#1155126 - 07/11/19 10:54 AM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
Joined: Sep 2007
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Steve Altonian Online content
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This is really sweet. Not quite sure of your vision for ALT/ROCK. I would go more Pop/Rock.

Maybe lyrically using the word Haven 4X in the Chorus is too much. I think the 2nd & 4th ones should go (YOUR TITLE IS IN LINE 1 & 3 anyway)....You are wasting prime lyrical real estate here IMO...

How about something like this....You should be able to sing these lines with no change in melody.....

Oh I need a safe haven
A fortress made of stone
I need a safe haven
An oasis for my soul




Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1155133 - 07/11/19 12:49 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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California
Hi Steve,

Thanks for the listen.


Oh I need a safe haven
A fortress made of stone
I need a safe haven
An oasis for my soul

This is a good idea Steve and think I will give it a try. I was thinking the same thing regarding the repetition.

I am not good with words. Thank you.

#1155169 - 07/12/19 11:21 AM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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Steve Altonian Online content
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Originally Posted by JaneK
Hi Steve,

Thanks for the listen.


Oh I need a safe haven
A fortress made of stone
I need a safe haven
An oasis for my soul

This is a good idea Steve and think I will give it a try.



How does it feel when you tried it? Does it work?


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1155174 - 07/12/19 12:55 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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California
Hi Steve,

Haven't tried it yet with the music but just singing it without the music it seems to work - Haven't had time to record it.

Jane

#1155178 - 07/12/19 01:43 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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90 dB Offline
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90 dB  Offline
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Jane,


I loved this. Don't change a LINE. They're your lines; don't dilute them with outside suggestions, however how well-intentioned they may be. The cello was a nice touch...and subtle.

Enjoyed it.



Regards,

Bob

#1155182 - 07/12/19 02:15 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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California
Thank you 90 db for listening and the nice words.

I am glad you liked the string pad I used. Sometimes I "throttle" it too much.

Jane

#1155192 - 07/12/19 03:19 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: 90 dB]  
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Steve Altonian Online content
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Steve Altonian  Online Content
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Originally Posted by 90 dB
Jane,


I loved this. Don't change a LINE. They're your lines; don't dilute them with outside suggestions, however how well-intentioned they may be.

Bob


In my 13 years at JP Folks years here I rarely, if ever give anyone a line suggestion. While you do not need to use those lines, I would once again suggest as my critique, a change in the use of words & imagery in your Chorus. I do not think it necessary or wise to use the word "haven" 4X in your Chorus. There are better choices...

Just what I hear, & what stuck out to me...If it was my tune, that's what I would do


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1155198 - 07/12/19 09:33 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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California
Hi Steve,

This is just a draft - I probably won't even repeat the chorus as much when I have it produced better - I am not a lyric person - but I am working on getting better by learning to rewrite.

I do appreciate any suggestion anyone gives me - and if someone gives me an idea I do take it quite often since I am at a loss for words at times.

Jane

#1155210 - 07/13/19 01:18 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JAPOV Offline
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North Alabama
I hide myself
My mask is a lie
My true feelings
Will betray me

No stranger
To anonymity
Only loneliness
Can protect me

I keep safe behind all the useless words
Where sincerity canít be heard

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul

All I want
Is to rest a while
Remove my mask
And breathe

My greatest fear
Is I'll die alone
Behind a face
No one can see


JAPOV is Just Another Point Of View but my friends call me Tony. If you like to sing then I'd like to know ya' smile https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/?bandID=1449856
#1155213 - 07/13/19 04:44 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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JaneK  Offline
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California

Thank you JAPOV.

My version works better with my melody for the song.

Jane


Last edited by JaneK; 07/13/19 10:59 PM.
#1155216 - 07/13/19 08:39 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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Martin Lide Online content
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What Mikesto said.

#1155268 - 07/16/19 02:26 AM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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Hi Jane...Some good parts here that I really like verse 2 is great.....But you know me, I just can't help offering suggestions...

Many is the time when someone has given a suggestion to me on my lyrics, and it was that suggestion that ended up being the critical part in helping with my re-writes. Not that I always used the suggestion, but often they would point me in a direction.

Anyway, I did have a doodle with your chorus and will offer my suggestion. You can use or lose it.

Oh I need a safe haven
A refuge for my soul
A little piece of heaven
To make my spirit whole

God Bless Roy


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

Our Record Label

Our Personal Website
#1155288 - 07/16/19 01:36 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
Joined: Sep 2017
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JaneK Offline
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JaneK  Offline
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California
Thanks Roy,

That's a good suggestion for the chorus too.

The only way I can choose which changes I have to make is by trying it with the mix to see what sounds better.

There have been some very good suggestions here.


Jane

#1155291 - 07/16/19 02:15 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 510
Steve Altonian Online content
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Originally Posted by JaneK
Thanks Roy,

That's a good suggestion for the chorus too.

The only way I can choose which changes I have to make is by trying it with the mix to see what sounds better.

There have been some very good suggestions here.


Jane


Don't forget what I call the "swap out" technique

Sometimes you have a great line, but it seems off because it is in the "wrong spot" in the song. Example the payoff is bigger at a cetain spot in the Chorus. You swap it out or move it around and it fits like it was always meant to be there...

When you do make your choices, if any...Don't forget "singability" & "phrasing" & syllables...

Someimes people will suggest a lyric change to me, where the lyric is clearly better, but the phrasing sux. For me, I will pass up on the perfect lyric if it messes with the overall tone of the tune...






Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1155312 - 07/17/19 03:59 AM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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Travis david Online content
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Hi Jane
Your production skills will get even better with the good advice offered here.
You have already a good talent and i hope you continue to post your good wirk
Regards
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1155342 - 07/17/19 01:46 PM Re: Safe Haven [Re: JaneK]  
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JaneK Offline
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Travis,

Thank you for the listen and the encouragement. I need that.

Jane


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