10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill),
4,088
guests, and
270
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
-
Last edited by JaneK; 04/03/20 10:00 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831 |
Hi Jane:
Enjoyed reading the lyric as the song progressed. Loved the melody and lyric. Not knowing your recording technique, I can only respond by saying, "The vocal is being overpowered by the melody... and that is easily corrected, depending on how you record. Otherwise, you have the opportunity to practice by re-recording the song. Best of luck with "Haven." ----Dave
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,143 Likes: 6
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,143 Likes: 6 |
Love the lyrics they wail out the need for some peace and a haven with an e added to it that becomes a H-e-AVEN. Your vocals tell it all in such an expressive way and the piano spells out the mood in a way that befits the story.Thanks for the share of a deeply touching fragile moment in your life.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,973 Likes: 85
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,973 Likes: 85 |
It would be easy enough to simply add some emphasizing percussion and guitars to this.... What do you actually have in mind? BTW, your voice sounds oddly familiar to me..... can't quite place that accent....
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Thank you for listening MB, Japov and Dave.
It is just a draft of song I would like to take to the next level - I am picturing guitar, drums, bass to get a fuller sound. No more pro studios for me. I like to run it by the forum before I do it.
Jane
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711 Likes: 18
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711 Likes: 18 |
Hi Jane, I think it's a beautiful song that just needs your vocal in front and better production. I like how it's deceptive musically. The chorus starts like an extension of the verse chord progression, then creates its own space. Maybe tighten up the piano solo near the end. I think this one might work best kept stripped down, in that I find when the singer-songwriter is baring their soul, to not clutter it up too much, but let the singer stay emotionally naked while telling their story. It helps keep the vulnerability that's there, intact. I can also hear something musical going on that would symbolize that "haven" in the chorus--something Brian Eno would call 'musical furniture', perhaps. Something that swirls around, and feels like a thing you could touch, involving suspensions and repeated notes. Alt rock like Tori Amos. Piano the lead instrument, musical instrumentation following organically but kept simple, Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 07/10/19 11:40 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 237 Likes: 11
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 237 Likes: 11 |
I especially like the way you start the chorus.
This recording works fine for me. Haven or Heaven?
Have fun!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Thank you very much for the nice words Mike and Guy (I am having fun!).
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1 |
This is really sweet. Not quite sure of your vision for ALT/ROCK. I would go more Pop/Rock.
Maybe lyrically using the word Haven 4X in the Chorus is too much. I think the 2nd & 4th ones should go (YOUR TITLE IS IN LINE 1 & 3 anyway)....You are wasting prime lyrical real estate here IMO...
How about something like this....You should be able to sing these lines with no change in melody.....
Oh I need a safe haven A fortress made of stone I need a safe haven An oasis for my soul
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Hi Steve,
Thanks for the listen.
Oh I need a safe haven A fortress made of stone I need a safe haven An oasis for my soul
This is a good idea Steve and think I will give it a try. I was thinking the same thing regarding the repetition.
I am not good with words. Thank you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1 |
Hi Steve,
Thanks for the listen.
Oh I need a safe haven A fortress made of stone I need a safe haven An oasis for my soul
This is a good idea Steve and think I will give it a try.
How does it feel when you tried it? Does it work?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Hi Steve,
Haven't tried it yet with the music but just singing it without the music it seems to work - Haven't had time to record it.
Jane
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 964
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 964 |
Jane,
I loved this. Don't change a LINE. They're your lines; don't dilute them with outside suggestions, however how well-intentioned they may be. The cello was a nice touch...and subtle.
Enjoyed it.
Regards,
Bob
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Thank you 90 db for listening and the nice words.
I am glad you liked the string pad I used. Sometimes I "throttle" it too much.
Jane
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1 |
Jane,
I loved this. Don't change a LINE. They're your lines; don't dilute them with outside suggestions, however how well-intentioned they may be.
Bob In my 13 years at JP Folks years here I rarely, if ever give anyone a line suggestion. While you do not need to use those lines, I would once again suggest as my critique, a change in the use of words & imagery in your Chorus. I do not think it necessary or wise to use the word "haven" 4X in your Chorus. There are better choices... Just what I hear, & what stuck out to me...If it was my tune, that's what I would do
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Hi Steve,
This is just a draft - I probably won't even repeat the chorus as much when I have it produced better - I am not a lyric person - but I am working on getting better by learning to rewrite.
I do appreciate any suggestion anyone gives me - and if someone gives me an idea I do take it quite often since I am at a loss for words at times.
Jane
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,973 Likes: 85
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,973 Likes: 85 |
I hide myself My mask is a lie My true feelings Will betray me
No stranger To anonymity Only loneliness Can protect me
I keep safe behind all the useless words Where sincerity can’t be heard
Oh I need a safe haven A haven for my soul I need a safe haven A haven for my soul
All I want Is to rest a while Remove my mask And breathe
My greatest fear Is I'll die alone Behind a face No one can see
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Thank you JAPOV. My version works better with my melody for the song.
Jane
Last edited by JaneK; 07/13/19 10:59 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,126 Likes: 29
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,126 Likes: 29 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,271
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,271 |
Hi Jane...Some good parts here that I really like verse 2 is great.....But you know me, I just can't help offering suggestions...
Many is the time when someone has given a suggestion to me on my lyrics, and it was that suggestion that ended up being the critical part in helping with my re-writes. Not that I always used the suggestion, but often they would point me in a direction.
Anyway, I did have a doodle with your chorus and will offer my suggestion. You can use or lose it.
Oh I need a safe haven A refuge for my soul A little piece of heaven To make my spirit whole
God Bless Roy
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Thanks Roy,
That's a good suggestion for the chorus too.
The only way I can choose which changes I have to make is by trying it with the mix to see what sounds better.
There have been some very good suggestions here.
Jane
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1 |
Thanks Roy,
That's a good suggestion for the chorus too.
The only way I can choose which changes I have to make is by trying it with the mix to see what sounds better.
There have been some very good suggestions here.
Jane
Don't forget what I call the "swap out" technique Sometimes you have a great line, but it seems off because it is in the "wrong spot" in the song. Example the payoff is bigger at a cetain spot in the Chorus. You swap it out or move it around and it fits like it was always meant to be there... When you do make your choices, if any...Don't forget "singability" & "phrasing" & syllables... Someimes people will suggest a lyric change to me, where the lyric is clearly better, but the phrasing sux. For me, I will pass up on the perfect lyric if it messes with the overall tone of the tune...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Hi Jane Your production skills will get even better with the good advice offered here. You have already a good talent and i hope you continue to post your good wirk Regards Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 230 |
Travis,
Thank you for the listen and the encouragement. I need that.
Jane
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|