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#1155050 07/09/19 08:25 PM
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Last edited by JaneK; 04/03/20 10:00 PM.
JaneK #1155051 07/09/19 08:51 PM
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Hi Jane:

Enjoyed reading the lyric as the song progressed. Loved the melody and lyric. Not knowing your recording technique, I can only respond by saying, "The vocal is being overpowered by the melody... and that is easily corrected, depending on how you record. Otherwise, you have the opportunity to practice by re-recording the song.
Best of luck with "Haven." ----Dave

JaneK #1155056 07/09/19 11:07 PM
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Love the lyrics they wail out the need for some peace and a haven with an e added to it that becomes a H-e-AVEN. Your vocals tell it all in such an expressive way and the piano spells out the mood in a way that befits the story.Thanks for the share of a deeply touching fragile moment in your life.

JaneK #1155065 07/10/19 02:39 AM
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It would be easy enough to simply add some emphasizing percussion and guitars to this.... What do you actually have in mind?

BTW, your voice sounds oddly familiar to me..... can't quite place that accent.... smile

JaneK #1155082 07/10/19 12:06 PM
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Thank you for listening MB, Japov and Dave.

It is just a draft of song I would like to take to the next level - I am picturing guitar, drums, bass to get a fuller sound. No more pro studios for me. I like to run it by the forum before I do it.


Jane

JaneK #1155099 07/10/19 03:14 PM
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Hi Jane,

I think it's a beautiful song that just needs your vocal in front and better production.

I like how it's deceptive musically. The chorus starts like an extension of the verse chord progression, then creates its own space.

Maybe tighten up the piano solo near the end.

I think this one might work best kept stripped down, in that I find when the singer-songwriter is baring their soul, to not clutter it up too much, but let the singer stay emotionally naked while telling their story. It helps keep the vulnerability that's there, intact. smile

I can also hear something musical going on that would symbolize that "haven" in the chorus--something Brian Eno would call 'musical furniture', perhaps. Something that swirls around, and feels like a thing you could touch, involving suspensions and repeated notes.

Alt rock like Tori Amos. Piano the lead instrument, musical instrumentation following organically but kept simple,

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 07/10/19 11:40 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
JaneK #1155102 07/10/19 04:42 PM
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I especially like the way you start the chorus.

This recording works fine for me.
Haven or Heaven?

Have fun!

JaneK #1155113 07/10/19 09:58 PM
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Thank you very much for the nice words Mike and Guy (I am having fun!).

JaneK #1155116 07/11/19 05:53 AM
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JaneK #1155126 07/11/19 10:54 AM
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This is really sweet. Not quite sure of your vision for ALT/ROCK. I would go more Pop/Rock.

Maybe lyrically using the word Haven 4X in the Chorus is too much. I think the 2nd & 4th ones should go (YOUR TITLE IS IN LINE 1 & 3 anyway)....You are wasting prime lyrical real estate here IMO...

How about something like this....You should be able to sing these lines with no change in melody.....

Oh I need a safe haven
A fortress made of stone
I need a safe haven
An oasis for my soul




Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
JaneK #1155133 07/11/19 12:49 PM
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Hi Steve,

Thanks for the listen.


Oh I need a safe haven
A fortress made of stone
I need a safe haven
An oasis for my soul

This is a good idea Steve and think I will give it a try. I was thinking the same thing regarding the repetition.

I am not good with words. Thank you.

JaneK #1155169 07/12/19 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneK
Hi Steve,

Thanks for the listen.


Oh I need a safe haven
A fortress made of stone
I need a safe haven
An oasis for my soul

This is a good idea Steve and think I will give it a try.



How does it feel when you tried it? Does it work?


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
JaneK #1155174 07/12/19 12:55 PM
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Hi Steve,

Haven't tried it yet with the music but just singing it without the music it seems to work - Haven't had time to record it.

Jane

JaneK #1155178 07/12/19 01:43 PM
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Jane,


I loved this. Don't change a LINE. They're your lines; don't dilute them with outside suggestions, however how well-intentioned they may be. The cello was a nice touch...and subtle.

Enjoyed it.



Regards,

Bob

JaneK #1155182 07/12/19 02:15 PM
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Thank you 90 db for listening and the nice words.

I am glad you liked the string pad I used. Sometimes I "throttle" it too much.

Jane

90 dB #1155192 07/12/19 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by 90 dB
Jane,


I loved this. Don't change a LINE. They're your lines; don't dilute them with outside suggestions, however how well-intentioned they may be.

Bob


In my 13 years at JP Folks years here I rarely, if ever give anyone a line suggestion. While you do not need to use those lines, I would once again suggest as my critique, a change in the use of words & imagery in your Chorus. I do not think it necessary or wise to use the word "haven" 4X in your Chorus. There are better choices...

Just what I hear, & what stuck out to me...If it was my tune, that's what I would do


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
JaneK #1155198 07/12/19 09:33 PM
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Hi Steve,

This is just a draft - I probably won't even repeat the chorus as much when I have it produced better - I am not a lyric person - but I am working on getting better by learning to rewrite.

I do appreciate any suggestion anyone gives me - and if someone gives me an idea I do take it quite often since I am at a loss for words at times.

Jane

JaneK #1155210 07/13/19 01:18 PM
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I hide myself
My mask is a lie
My true feelings
Will betray me

No stranger
To anonymity
Only loneliness
Can protect me

I keep safe behind all the useless words
Where sincerity can’t be heard

Oh I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul
I need a safe haven
A haven for my soul

All I want
Is to rest a while
Remove my mask
And breathe

My greatest fear
Is I'll die alone
Behind a face
No one can see

JaneK #1155213 07/13/19 04:44 PM
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Thank you JAPOV.

My version works better with my melody for the song.

Jane


Last edited by JaneK; 07/13/19 10:59 PM.
JaneK #1155216 07/13/19 08:39 PM
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What Mikesto said.

JaneK #1155268 07/16/19 02:26 AM
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Hi Jane...Some good parts here that I really like verse 2 is great.....But you know me, I just can't help offering suggestions...

Many is the time when someone has given a suggestion to me on my lyrics, and it was that suggestion that ended up being the critical part in helping with my re-writes. Not that I always used the suggestion, but often they would point me in a direction.

Anyway, I did have a doodle with your chorus and will offer my suggestion. You can use or lose it.

Oh I need a safe haven
A refuge for my soul
A little piece of heaven
To make my spirit whole

God Bless Roy


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

Our Record Label
JaneK #1155288 07/16/19 01:36 PM
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Thanks Roy,

That's a good suggestion for the chorus too.

The only way I can choose which changes I have to make is by trying it with the mix to see what sounds better.

There have been some very good suggestions here.


Jane

JaneK #1155291 07/16/19 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by JaneK
Thanks Roy,

That's a good suggestion for the chorus too.

The only way I can choose which changes I have to make is by trying it with the mix to see what sounds better.

There have been some very good suggestions here.


Jane


Don't forget what I call the "swap out" technique

Sometimes you have a great line, but it seems off because it is in the "wrong spot" in the song. Example the payoff is bigger at a cetain spot in the Chorus. You swap it out or move it around and it fits like it was always meant to be there...

When you do make your choices, if any...Don't forget "singability" & "phrasing" & syllables...

Someimes people will suggest a lyric change to me, where the lyric is clearly better, but the phrasing sux. For me, I will pass up on the perfect lyric if it messes with the overall tone of the tune...






Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
JaneK #1155312 07/17/19 03:59 AM
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Hi Jane
Your production skills will get even better with the good advice offered here.
You have already a good talent and i hope you continue to post your good wirk
Regards
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
JaneK #1155342 07/17/19 01:46 PM
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Travis,

Thank you for the listen and the encouragement. I need that.

Jane


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