A new song I just finished writing and recording. All suggestions and comments appreciated.

https://soundcloud.com/themysteriousbeings/nervous-breakdown



NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Words and music by Gavin Sinclair

Will somebody show me how to have a nervous breakdown?
Something’s got to give
I can’t sleep, but I’m not even half awake now ‘n’
I’m losing the will to live
I want to throw something precious, smash it on the floor
Grab a stranger and yell, “I can’t take it any more,”
Stand up in a crowded room and... just roar
But I don’t
I won’t

Will somebody show me how to get through tomorrow?
I can’t go on this way
Does somebody have a life that I can borrow
Just for a day?
Or two, or three, or four, or forever
I'm not going crazy, I’m not that clever
Just exploding under the pressure
Except I don’t
I won’t

Will somebody show me how to cry a real tear
And let someone see it
How to make a minute not seem like a year
Take a feeling and free it
Watch it as it flies under dark skies
Naked as a jaybird right before your eyes
As I ask you why you’re so surprised
But I don’t
I won’t

Well gee Gavin,

Suggestions? Okay, here are a few--use or lose: First, take deep breaths and a walk in the country each morning. Quit your job, lose the wife or girl friend, move to a totally new environment, smoke a joint, have a beer with the mates, don't play golf, read Mark Twain, never listen to the news--only watch Disney movies (except Old Yeller). Go to a few bars maybe dance a little. See if this helps!

Okay........I enjoyed your song, and it was really refreshing. I like the melodramatic humor as well. Nice melody, and great vocals, great sax, though I'd bring it a "tad" forward to closer match your lead vox--it is the vox when it's a solo. Love the ending BTW. No real nits from me today!

steady-eddie

All good suggestions, Eddie LOL.

Good point about the sax. I think I need to bring it up a bit more, especially where it first comes in.

Not often I hear "great vocals," but occasionally a song just seems to fit my voice, and I found this one easy to sing.

Thanks for listening and your sage advice

Aw, Humm,
Well you could go listen to my song, AROUND THE HORN, posted on the Web Site
http://www.geocities.ws/fiverosesmusicgroup/ I do have another song, YOU'LL GO INSANE but it isn't posted anywhere. Hey, you ask the question, somebody has the answer somewhere! Good song, good writing.

Love the write. Very clever lyric. I also enjoyed the melody and vocal performance. I am not sure why but I did not feel the sax was the right choice for a solo in this song. For me, it didn't fit. Maybe an acoustic guitar solo, a mandolin. The sax seemed out of place imo. Just my opinion though. The song was really really well done.

Thanks for posting.

Dave

Thanks Dave. Interesting observation about the sax solo. I wasn't sure if it was the right way to go either. I asked the question on another forum I belong to and the responses were all in favor of it. I hadn't thought of an acoustic guitar or a mandolin. My other thought, besides sax, was a kind of dirty electric guitar.

I think you should have gone with a more manic arrangement prosody wise. The treatment you use is to lame for the subject.
Your lyrics are good. Push them.

Vic

Gavin, I came back and had another listen. I kind of agree with Dave about the sax perhaps not being the best sound for the song's vibe. I do think it can work if you include some sax answers earlier to give the sax a little presence before solo to allow it to feel more belonging. Hence afterwards maybe even a little more presence. I would look at maybe using a synth sound from a keyboard for the solo--giving the song a more abstract sound rather than the classic sax--as your lyrics in my mind are a bit expressive & exaggerated, so exaggerate with a more unique lead solo sound..........make sense?

The sax sounds good, but IMO if used, needs to be part of the mix subtly earlier to eliminate the "surprise" oh, a sax! JMO.

Again, a lot of good things going on here however!

steady-eddie

not going crazy,well,depends on the weather
, got it all together
Just exploding under the pressure

Just an idea or two
Gavin, so you feel like that too!
John

Thanks Vic. I totally get what you are saying about the prosody. I started out with something a little less bouncy and more manic in mind, but as I was working on it, it occurred to me that a more upbeat melody would be in keeping with the kind of guy he is. Smiling through gritted teeth, holding it together, unable to express his true feelings. That's kind of the point of "I don't, I won't." He knows he doesn't have a way to let it all out, to "take a feeling and free it." So the melody reflects the face he presents to the world while the contrasting lyrics are swirling in his head.

I'm not sure that I made the right choice. I might just have convinced myself to go in this direction because I like the tune. Having said that, I'm not sure that I have the musical chops to pull off the manic thing.

Thanks for taking the time to give it another listen, Eddie. I appreciate the help and suggestions. I originally had the sax in the four bars of introduction too, but took it out. Maybe I do need to look at preparing the listener for the solo by introducing it earlier. I'm a bit of a sax fan - used to get goosebumps anticipating Clarence Clemmons suddenly bursting into one of Bruce's songs. That might cloud my judgment however .

Great idea about the synth too. This would be a bit of a departure for me, but it might also allow me to inject a bit of the manic treatment Vic mentions.

Again, thanks for your great feedback. People have been so helpful with this song.

Enjoyed this tune very much, clever lyrics too!

Gavin,

The melody is really good and the lyrics are very witty. You did a good job on the vocals too.

Yes, maybe an electric guitar solo would be a better choice for the solo part. The playing is good though, but guitar would go better with the feel of the song.

Enjoyed listening.

Jane

"Does somebody have a life that I can borrow
Just for a day?"

Well written line.

Gavin,

Your band once again has lived up to it's name. I enjoyed the song and the content exploration, and at the same time...I found it creepy.
Was that a desired result?

It's sounds like a suicide note left by Herman's Hermits...sort of. "Mrs Brown, My life sux."


Marty

Thanks Martin. "A suicide note left by Herman's Hermits" - that made me laugh I suppose it's also kind of on the money. Someone who doesn't know how to step out from behind a cheerful facade and is actually asking for advice on how to be miserable LOL.

Creepy? No, I didn't really have that in mind.

Hi Gavin,

This made me smile. On this one your singing reminds me of Noel Harrison.

Yeah, vocals are working, maybe a little rushed early on, but not for long.

Very clever and much fun.

Mike

Thanks for listening and commenting, Mike. I had to google Noel Harrison LOL. Don't think I'm quite in the same class!

There are a few lines early on where I have to pack in quite a lot of verbiage. I thought that was OK, as it reflected the whirling thoughts in his head, but I can also see how it would come across as a bit rushed. Certainly, you have to sing it just right or you won't fit it all in

Thanks again.

Hey, Gavin,

I like this one a lot . . . catchy. You write some really genuine, real world feel lyrics—and while you tend to undersell your vocal efforts (and you shouldn't, IMHO)—they always fit and compliment your tunes. Which is to say, the vocal here is just fine . . . sweet. Not sure I’m in love with the choice of sax on this one—seems a bit off the mood of the song . . . but even so, it works well enough. (And in my limited experience, I find the horns in BIAB, if that's what you are using, pull off better solos than the guitars for some reason). So don’t kill yourself changing it out . . . it’s good. Love that last verse, Gavin. Nice writing!

My best to you,

Deej

Thanks for the kind words Deej. I appreciate you listening and commenting.

Gavin

Hello Gavin,


ha ha.................... nicely done.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

YES have to agree with VIC needs to be more manic ?, at this time

its a bit too ,jolly --- I belive repetitive notes would suit the subject better

I hear it as a Punk Song , and given the right treatment with

the right singer it could be a hit ? But Would anyone ask

how can I have a nervous breakdown ???

Needs to be (in my humble opinion )

I think I'm heading for a Nervous Breakdown

Then you could list all the ways you and us are fed up with being

ripped off via household bills and Telephone sales , plus of course

successive governments-- That way the

public could be sympathetic to the emotion you are writing about

JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

Try out my suggestions ? you have nothing to lose ?

and you always have your original to fall back on
-
I belive Hit Song are Re Written ---- not Just Written

PS
The public need to identify Why you ( The Singer) are basically Pissed of with life

GAVIN

Tell us the reasons for having a breakdown , and you need to exaggerate them

The vocals need to express someone on the verge of going mad so to speak

at this time its more like a happy birthday vocal

Thanks for the input, Cheyenne. Of course, what you are describing is not really a rewrite but a completely different song. This one is about emotional repression, the singer's inability to express his feelings. What you describe is a good old rant at familiar targets and a laundry list of grievances. That could certainly work, and it could be fun if I could find a way to steer clear of cliches, but with a completely different melody, lyrics and theme, I would call that a whole new song

"Would anyone ask how can I have a nervous breakdown ???" Not normally, of course, but that is kind of the point. It's supposed to be a bit unusual to pique the curiosity of the listener.

I'm beginning to think that the title is part of the problem here. People are expecting a song about having a nervous breakdown, rather than one about not being able to and kind of wishing he could. I'm thinking one little change at the end of each verse might help. Instead of...

"But I don't
I won't"

"But I don't
I can't"

or

"But I don't
I know I won't"

I think the second one is probably better as it preserves the rhyme.

Or I suppose I could insert a bridge to kind of spell it out more clearly.

Thanks Calvin. Glad you enjoyed it.

YES describing a different approach to what you have , actually that's

often the way I write, one good idea for some thing different , often

leading into something better; not always but just maybe it would have a

wider appeal , and you always have the original to fall back on

Melody wise I may often match a new song lyric to a pretty catchy sounding melody; and

then after several playbacks improve on the original draft -, evolving all the time

sleeping on it making sure of Contrast between Verses and Chorus

and singable words Et-cetera



l

Hi Gavin:

Sorry I'm late. Listened and enjoyed to the point of laughter (all in a good way) several days ago... but could not respond. Very clever, my friend. Keep 'em coming. ----Dave

Thanks for the kind words, Dave. Glad you enjoyed it.

Love the lyrics Gavin.

Just a thought......

https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v4/player.cfm?songID=13892479

Well, that's different. LOL. Everyone seems to see this song differently. Maybe I'm finally living up to that quote in my signature

Yea, like a clown with a cleaver.... Lol

I love this concept...Will somebody show me how to cry a real tear. nice

You can get away with this vibe of it being jovial...As others have said a more manic approach would have a different vibe...But this is also tongue in cheek kinda like sorta with the jovial feel

It would definitely make an interesting video!

Thanks for listening and commenting, Steve. Yes, that's an important line in the song.

JAPOV, are you suggesting a video with you as a clown with a cleaver? I would like to see that....I think....

Anything for you Gav! I might even go topless!