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Mexico
by niteshift. 12/09/19 09:30 PM
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Loss
by maccharles. 12/09/19 08:32 PM
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#1154100 - 06/13/19 05:16 PM
Nervous Breakdown
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 851
Gavin Sinclair
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
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A new song I just finished writing and recording. All suggestions and comments appreciated. https://soundcloud.com/themysteriousbeings/nervous-breakdownNERVOUS BREAKDOWN Words and music by Gavin Sinclair Will somebody show me how to have a nervous breakdown? Something’s got to give I can’t sleep, but I’m not even half awake now ‘n’ I’m losing the will to live I want to throw something precious, smash it on the floor Grab a stranger and yell, “I can’t take it any more,” Stand up in a crowded room and... just roar But I don’t I won’t Will somebody show me how to get through tomorrow? I can’t go on this way Does somebody have a life that I can borrow Just for a day? Or two, or three, or four, or forever I'm not going crazy, I’m not that clever Just exploding under the pressure Except I don’t I won’t Will somebody show me how to cry a real tear And let someone see it How to make a minute not seem like a year Take a feeling and free it Watch it as it flies under dark skies Naked as a jaybird right before your eyes As I ask you why you’re so surprised But I don’t I won’t
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#1154104 - 06/13/19 09:22 PM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,420
E Swartz
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,420
Ohio
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Well gee Gavin,
Suggestions? Okay, here are a few--use or lose: First, take deep breaths and a walk in the country each morning. Quit your job, lose the wife or girl friend, move to a totally new environment, smoke a joint, have a beer with the mates, don't play golf, read Mark Twain, never listen to the news--only watch Disney movies (except Old Yeller). Go to a few bars maybe dance a little. See if this helps!
Okay........I enjoyed your song, and it was really refreshing. I like the melodramatic humor as well. Nice melody, and great vocals, great sax, though I'd bring it a "tad" forward to closer match your lead vox--it is the vox when it's a solo. Love the ending BTW. No real nits from me today!
steady-eddie
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#1154117 - 06/14/19 08:48 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 851
Gavin Sinclair
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
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All good suggestions, Eddie LOL. Good point about the sax. I think I need to bring it up a bit more, especially where it first comes in. Not often I hear "great vocals," but occasionally a song just seems to fit my voice, and I found this one easy to sing. Thanks for listening and your sage advice 
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#1154120 - 06/14/19 10:34 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 7,312
Ray E. Strode
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Posts: 7,312
Brunswick, Ga. USA
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Aw, Humm, Well you could go listen to my song, AROUND THE HORN, posted on the Web Site http://www.geocities.ws/fiverosesmusicgroup/ I do have another song, YOU'LL GO INSANE but it isn't posted anywhere. Hey, you ask the question, somebody has the answer somewhere! Good song, good writing.
Last edited by Ray E. Strode; 06/14/19 10:34 AM.
Ray E. Strode
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#1154150 - 06/15/19 04:55 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
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not going crazy,well,depends on the weather , got it all together Just exploding under the pressure
Just an idea or two Gavin, so you feel like that too! John
Last edited by Travis david; 06/15/19 07:15 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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#1154156 - 06/15/19 08:52 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Vicarn]
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 851
Gavin Sinclair
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
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I think you should have gone with a more manic arrangement prosody wise. The treatment you use is to lame for the subject. Your lyrics are good. Push them.
Vic Thanks Vic. I totally get what you are saying about the prosody. I started out with something a little less bouncy and more manic in mind, but as I was working on it, it occurred to me that a more upbeat melody would be in keeping with the kind of guy he is. Smiling through gritted teeth, holding it together, unable to express his true feelings. That's kind of the point of "I don't, I won't." He knows he doesn't have a way to let it all out, to "take a feeling and free it." So the melody reflects the face he presents to the world while the contrasting lyrics are swirling in his head. I'm not sure that I made the right choice. I might just have convinced myself to go in this direction because I like the tune. Having said that, I'm not sure that I have the musical chops to pull off the manic thing.
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#1154159 - 06/15/19 09:03 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 851
Gavin Sinclair
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
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Thanks for taking the time to give it another listen, Eddie. I appreciate the help and suggestions. I originally had the sax in the four bars of introduction too, but took it out. Maybe I do need to look at preparing the listener for the solo by introducing it earlier. I'm a bit of a sax fan - used to get goosebumps anticipating Clarence Clemmons suddenly bursting into one of Bruce's songs. That might cloud my judgment however  . Great idea about the synth too. This would be a bit of a departure for me, but it might also allow me to inject a bit of the manic treatment Vic mentions. Again, thanks for your great feedback. People have been so helpful with this song.
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#1154179 - 06/15/19 12:19 PM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Travis david]
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 851
Gavin Sinclair
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
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not going crazy,well,depends on the weather , got it all together Just exploding under the pressure Just an idea or two Gavin, so you feel like that too! John Ha! We all probably feel a bit like that sometimes, John. Thanks for the good suggestions. I love "depends on the weather." I will probably stick with "I'm not that clever," because the idea is that he's not smart enough to have a breakdown and let it all out. At least that's supposed to be the idea  . Thanks for listening, James. Glad you enjoyed it.
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#1154205 - 06/16/19 09:46 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,607
Martin Lide
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,607
Houston, Texas
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"Does somebody have a life that I can borrow Just for a day?" Well written line. Gavin, Your band once again has lived up to it's name. I enjoyed the song and the content exploration, and at the same time...I found it creepy. Was that a desired result?  It's sounds like a suicide note left by Herman's Hermits...sort of. "Mrs Brown, My life sux." Marty
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#1154272 - 06/17/19 11:27 PM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,097
Deej56
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Hey, Gavin,
I like this one a lot . . . catchy. You write some really genuine, real world feel lyrics—and while you tend to undersell your vocal efforts (and you shouldn't, IMHO)—they always fit and compliment your tunes. Which is to say, the vocal here is just fine . . . sweet. Not sure I’m in love with the choice of sax on this one—seems a bit off the mood of the song . . . but even so, it works well enough. (And in my limited experience, I find the horns in BIAB, if that's what you are using, pull off better solos than the guitars for some reason). So don’t kill yourself changing it out . . . it’s good. Love that last verse, Gavin. Nice writing!
My best to you,
Deej
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#1154317 - 06/19/19 04:04 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Vicarn]
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 237
Cheyenne
Serious Contributor
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 237
Florida U.S.A.
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YES have to agree with VIC needs to be more manic ?, at this time
its a bit too ,jolly --- I belive repetitive notes would suit the subject better
I hear it as a Punk Song , and given the right treatment with
the right singer it could be a hit ? But Would anyone ask
how can I have a nervous breakdown ???
Needs to be (in my humble opinion )
I think I'm heading for a Nervous Breakdown
Then you could list all the ways you and us are fed up with being
ripped off via household bills and Telephone sales , plus of course
successive governments-- That way the
public could be sympathetic to the emotion you are writing about
JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
Try out my suggestions ? you have nothing to lose ?
and you always have your original to fall back on - I belive Hit Song are Re Written ---- not Just Written
PS The public need to identify Why you ( The Singer) are basically Pissed of with life
GAVIN
Tell us the reasons for having a breakdown , and you need to exaggerate them
The vocals need to express someone on the verge of going mad so to speak
at this time its more like a happy birthday vocal
Last edited by Cheyenne; 06/19/19 04:20 AM.
One of the most important principles of songwriting is to remember that a good song is a partnership of many different components, all working together to produce a satisfying musical experience.
In that respect, song components are either enhancing or compromising their combined effects.
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#1154331 - 06/19/19 09:59 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 851
Gavin Sinclair
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
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Thanks for the input, Cheyenne. Of course, what you are describing is not really a rewrite but a completely different song. This one is about emotional repression, the singer's inability to express his feelings. What you describe is a good old rant at familiar targets and a laundry list of grievances. That could certainly work, and it could be fun if I could find a way to steer clear of cliches, but with a completely different melody, lyrics and theme, I would call that a whole new song "Would anyone ask how can I have a nervous breakdown ???" Not normally, of course, but that is kind of the point. It's supposed to be a bit unusual to pique the curiosity of the listener. I'm beginning to think that the title is part of the problem here. People are expecting a song about having a nervous breakdown, rather than one about not being able to and kind of wishing he could. I'm thinking one little change at the end of each verse might help. Instead of... "But I don't I won't" "But I don't I can't" or "But I don't I know I won't" I think the second one is probably better as it preserves the rhyme. Or I suppose I could insert a bridge to kind of spell it out more clearly.
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#1154358 - 06/20/19 05:16 AM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 237
Cheyenne
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 237
Florida U.S.A.
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YES describing a different approach to what you have , actually that's
often the way I write, one good idea for some thing different , often
leading into something better; not always but just maybe it would have a
wider appeal , and you always have the original to fall back on
Melody wise I may often match a new song lyric to a pretty catchy sounding melody; and
then after several playbacks improve on the original draft -, evolving all the time
sleeping on it making sure of Contrast between Verses and Chorus
and singable words Et-cetera
l
Last edited by Cheyenne; 06/20/19 05:18 AM.
One of the most important principles of songwriting is to remember that a good song is a partnership of many different components, all working together to produce a satisfying musical experience.
In that respect, song components are either enhancing or compromising their combined effects.
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#1154717 - 06/29/19 04:37 PM
Re: Nervous Breakdown
[Re: Gavin Sinclair]
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 470
JAPOV
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