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Hi guys, this song is a collaboration I did with two of my friends and I am asking for some feedback. https://soundcloud.com/jay-williams-productions/lonely-foolLonely Fool ©2019 Irwin Byron Abrigo (First verse) If anybody see my baby Tell her that I'm feeling lonely Cause not anyone Can do the things she does She keeps me lively In the day time Make's me groan in the night But now that she's gone I really (Pre chorus) The room is still a room A chair is still a chair The bed still lies there But if she's not here (Chorus) I’ll be at home like a lonely fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open the door When I got home (Second verse) If anybody see my lady Tell her that I'm going crazy She said she's leaving Miss understanding I said baby don't you worry I will be happy But that was a lie Cause now I really (Pre chorus) The room is still a room A chair is still a chair The bed still lies there But if she's not here (Chorus) I’ll be at home like a lonely fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open the door When I got home (Bridge) I don’t want to be a lonely fool Sitting alone in these lonely rooms Since she’s been gone there been pain in my brain Asking myself over and over again Am I a fool (no) did all I had to do (Yes) Then why she’s not in my presents Why in my arms she is absent (Pre chorus) The room is still a room A chair is still a chair The bed still lies there But if she's not here (Chorus) I’ll be at home like a lonely fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open the door When I got home
Last edited by Irwin; 06/05/19 01:17 PM.
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Not what I usually listen to...for me the delivery of bridge is too quick to catch the lyrics
The breaks toward the end are confusing to me as a newbie listener...it's a matter of choice.
How does one dance to this with it's varied tempos?
With 4 agreeing on this, it must be what you are going for. All the best
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Hi Neil, Thanks for the the comment. This song it is a collaboration with three of us so, I was not in full control of things, but I understand just what you are saying.
Irwin
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Hello Irwin,
The sequenced parts, for me overpower the vocal, such that it is difficult to discern the melody, which for me is the essence of a song. I think there is something good here, but in my mind the vocal melody needs a different rhythmic background. It is like you have a dance mix musical bed for a song that needs a more classic rhythm. I like the idea of the lyric and think this could be excellent. It deserves a re-working of the musical bed imo.
Thanks for posting.
Dave
Last edited by GocartMoz; 06/11/19 03:00 PM.
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Hello Irwin,
The sequenced parts, for me overpower the vocal, such that it is difficult to discern the melody, which for me is the essence of a song. I think there is something good here, but in my mind the vocal melody needs a different rhythmic background. It is like you have a dance mix musical bed for a song that needs a more classic rhythm. I like the idea of the lyric and think this could be excellent. It deserves a re-working of the musical bed imo.
Thanks for posting.
Dave Yes Dave, I do agree with you the song was written for pop/classic music so I may have to let another producer re-working of the musical bed. Thanks for the giving your input into my song. Irwin
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Interesting juxtapositions.
Liked em in spots, not as much in others, but enjoyed the listen.
Martin
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Hi Irwin I would really have liked to hear this with the melody standing proud what i did hear was good. The electronic bits aren't for me at all. But again a good melody Regards Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Interesting juxtapositions.
Liked em in spots, not as much in others, but enjoyed the listen.
Martin Thanks Martin, I appreciate you taking the time to listen and saying what you felt.
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Hi Irwin I would really have liked to hear this with the melody standing proud what i did hear was good. The electronic bits aren't for me at all. But again a good melody Regards Travis
Thank you Travis for giving your thoughts, I am listening to what you are saying. "the melody standing proud " I like that.
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"Lonely Fool"
© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo
(Verse I)
If anybody see my baby Tell her that I'm feeling lonely 'Cause not anyone Can do the things she does (I would expect 'does' to be Rhymed at the end of Verse I) She keeps me lively In the day time
Make's me groan in the night (Makes me MOAN at night, 3 M's) ('In the night she makes me moan' would set up Rhyme for 'gone')
But now that she's gone I really (Delete 'But'. Just sing, 'Now that she's gone'.) (Maybe delete 'I really'. If you say 'I really' it implies there's something more, 'I really feel, I really think, I really can't, I really do...') ('Near-Rhyme for 'does', "I MISS HOW IT WAS")
(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room (Would it be more 'real' if the Singer-Character says, 'THIS room is still a room'? Saying 'The' room is not specific like 'This room'. Maybe sounds more like he's there in 'This room', instead of somewhere else talking about 'The' room.)
A chair is still a chair (THIS chair...)(Or, 'HER room is still a room. HER chair...)
The bed still lies there (OUR bed...)
But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a Lonely Fool (IT'S JUST A HOME FOR a Lonely Fool)
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door (MY door...Let him 'own' it.)
When I GET home I'M JUST A LONELY FOOL (Say it again to emphasize the title, THE Hook.)
(Verse II)
If anybody seeS my lady (Here you have a Hard-Rhyme in Lines 1 & 2, 'lady/crazy'. Rhyme helps listeners 'get' the Lyric.) Tell her that I'm going crazy She said she's leaving
Miss understanding ('Miss' is like 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.' The word 'misunderstanding' may be what you intend. Again, I would expect 'understanding' to be Rhymed at the end. It is left hanging, Un-Rhymed, here.)
I said, "Baby don't you worry I will be happy!" That was a lie (I WAS LYING TO MYSELF)
Cause now I really (I DON'T WANT NOBODY ELSE) (WAS I TOO DEMANDING?)
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Bridge)
I don’t want to be a Lonely Fool Sitting alone in these lonely rooms Since she’s been gone there'S been pain in my brain Asking myself over and over again, "Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)"
Then why IS she not in my presence? (presence = 'here', 'presents' = 'gifts')
Why in my arms IS she absent?
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool. (Coda) If she's not here to open the door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(TAKING OUT MY NOTES TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE) "Lonely Fool"
© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo
(Verse I)
If anybody see my baby Tell her that I'm feeling lonely 'Cause not anyone Can do the things she does She keeps me lively In the day time In the night she makes me moan Now that she's gone I miss how it was
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
It's just a home for a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool
(Verse II)
If anybody sees my lady Tell her that I'm going crazy She said she's leaving Misunderstanding I said, "Baby don't you worry I will be happy!" I was lying to myself I don't want nobody else Was I too demanding?
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’t's just a home for a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Bridge)
I don’t want to be a Lonely Fool Sitting alone in these lonely rooms Since she’s been gone there's been pain in my brain Asking myself over and over again, "Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)" Then why is she not in my presence? Why in my arms IS she absent?
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
It's just a home for a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool. (Coda) If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Hi Irwin, You have a really cool bit of electronica here! There's very little need to be done to make this great, I believe. The music should come down 15-20 % and 50-60 % in the chorus. The drums can peak out the meters, so they can come down around 10%.. The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression. The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears. Some sustained chordal pads running throughout would make it much warmer. Nothing fancy, just the sustained chords, or even sustained single notes, but choose a nice, pleasant, almost ambient sound to offset the "harder" sounds you are using throughout the song. Then maybe consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus, to give the track the feeling of "engaging" and "lifting off.." But also consider using the snare all the way through, starting with the first chorus..On your song, I hear the snare just on the 2 in the early parts, then just on the 4 later..but make it stand out a tiny bit more and make it fall on both the 2 and 4 together throughout the song, starting with the first chorus ..add reverb..and then the listener will FEEL the groove.. Maybe you are going for more of an experimental than a dance sound, but a recurring pulse is something prevalent in the more popular styles within the electronica umbrella. I hear the kick drum pounding out 4 quarter notes 1,2,3,4, on many pieces.. Just my thoughts and opinions.. Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 08/07/19 02:25 AM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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"Lonely Fool"
© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo
(Verse I)
If anybody see my baby Tell her that I'm feeling lonely 'Cause not anyone Can do the things she does (I would expect 'does' to be Rhymed at the end of Verse I) She keeps me lively In the day time
Make's me groan in the night (Makes me MOAN at night, 3 M's) ('In the night she makes me moan' would set up Rhyme for 'gone')
But now that she's gone I really (Delete 'But'. Just sing, 'Now that she's gone'.) (Maybe delete 'I really'. If you say 'I really' it implies there's something more, 'I really feel, I really think, I really can't, I really do...') ('Near-Rhyme for 'does', "I MISS HOW IT WAS")
(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room (Would it be more 'real' if the Singer-Character says, 'THIS room is still a room'? Saying 'The' room is not specific like 'This room'. Maybe sounds more like he's there in 'This room', instead of somewhere else talking about 'The' room.)
A chair is still a chair (THIS chair...)(Or, 'HER room is still a room. HER chair...)
The bed still lies there (OUR bed...)
But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a Lonely Fool (IT'S JUST A HOME FOR a Lonely Fool)
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door (MY door...Let him 'own' it.)
When I GET home I'M JUST A LONELY FOOL (Say it again to emphasize the title, THE Hook.)
(Verse II)
If anybody seeS my lady (Here you have a Hard-Rhyme in Lines 1 & 2, 'lady/crazy'. Rhyme helps listeners 'get' the Lyric.) Tell her that I'm going crazy She said she's leaving
Miss understanding ('Miss' is like 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.' The word 'misunderstanding' may be what you intend. Again, I would expect 'understanding' to be Rhymed at the end. It is left hanging, Un-Rhymed, here.)
I said, "Baby don't you worry I will be happy!" That was a lie (I WAS LYING TO MYSELF)
Cause now I really (I DON'T WANT NOBODY ELSE) (WAS I TOO DEMANDING?)
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Bridge)
I don’t want to be a Lonely Fool Sitting alone in these lonely rooms Since she’s been gone there'S been pain in my brain Asking myself over and over again, "Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)"
Then why IS she not in my presence? (presence = 'here', 'presents' = 'gifts')
Why in my arms IS she absent?
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool. (Coda) If she's not here to open the door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(TAKING OUT MY NOTES TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE) "Lonely Fool"
© 2019 by Irwin Byron Abrigo
(Verse I)
If anybody see my baby Tell her that I'm feeling lonely 'Cause not anyone Can do the things she does She keeps me lively In the day time In the night she makes me moan Now that she's gone I miss how it was
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
It's just a home for a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool
(Verse II)
If anybody sees my lady Tell her that I'm going crazy She said she's leaving Misunderstanding I said, "Baby don't you worry I will be happy!" I was lying to myself I don't want nobody else Was I too demanding?
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’t's just a home for a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool.
(Bridge)
I don’t want to be a Lonely Fool Sitting alone in these lonely rooms Since she’s been gone there's been pain in my brain Asking myself over and over again, "Am I a fool? (No!) Did I DO all I had to do? (Yes!)" Then why is she not in my presence? Why in my arms IS she absent?
(Pre chorus)
This room is still a room This chair is still a chair Our bed still lies there But if she's not here
(Chorus)
It's just a home for a Lonely Fool Pretending to be cool If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool. (Coda) If she's not here to open my door When I get home I'm just a Lonely Fool. Interesting edit Gary, you are very talented on rewrites and editing lyrics. This is an eye opener for me. thanks for leaving your input.
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You're welcome Irwin. American English is a complex language, made up from all the other languages of planet Earth. If it isn't your first language, the one you learned growing up and speak every day, there are things we say that may not make sense in translation.
Mainly I saw flaws in your Rhyme-Scheme that I thought could be fixed. Rhyme helps hit the beat, an essential tool in prosody, the 'marriage' of the Lyric and Melody to the arrangement (instrumental accompaniment).
I hope you can sing it my way. Working with words on the written page is different than trying to sing them. Sometimes what I think works on the page doesn't translate right to vocalizing. I wish you luck with it though. Your Singer-Character, "A Lonely Fool", doesn't admit to being at fault for the Love-Interest Character leaving. That makes him real to me. We men often can't admit that we're not so 'cool' as we think we are. LOL (Laugh Out Loud).
Good luck with your "Lonely Fool".
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Hi Irwin, You have a really cool bit of electronica here! There's very little need to be done to make this great, I believe. The music should come down 15-20 % and 50-60 % in the chorus. The drums can peak out the meters, so they can come down around 10%.. The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression. The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears. Some sustained chordal pads running throughout would make it much warmer. Nothing fancy, just the sustained chords, or even sustained single notes, but choose a nice, pleasant, almost ambient sound to offset the "harder" sounds you are using throughout the song. Then maybe consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus, to give the track the feeling of "engaging" and "lifting off.." But also consider using the snare all the way through, starting with the first chorus..On your song, I hear the snare just on the 2 in the early parts, then just on the 4 later..but make it stand out a tiny bit more and make it fall on both the 2 and 4 together throughout the song, starting with the first chorus ..add reverb..and then the listener will FEEL the groove.. Maybe you are going for more of an experimental than a dance sound, but a recurring pulse is something prevalent in the more popular styles within the electronica umbrella. I hear the kick drum pounding out 4 quarter notes 1,2,3,4, on many pieces.. Just my thoughts and opinions.. Mike Hi Mike,Your thoughts and opinions are valuable. I hear every word you've say and everything you have commented on. "I especially took notice of "consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus". And " The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression". Also " The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears." Very good advice you are giving me here Mike, Thanks a lot. Irwin
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Hi Irwin, You have a really cool bit of electronica here! There's very little need to be done to make this great, I believe. The music should come down 15-20 % and 50-60 % in the chorus. The drums can peak out the meters, so they can come down around 10%.. The vocals can be louder and brighter. Maybe up to 15% with some medium to tight compression. The chorus needs more going on musically, right now it's stripped down like a bridge, and the arpeggio that is there needs to be much softer, as it is loud and harsh to my ears. Some sustained chordal pads running throughout would make it much warmer. Nothing fancy, just the sustained chords, or even sustained single notes, but choose a nice, pleasant, almost ambient sound to offset the "harder" sounds you are using throughout the song. Then maybe consider a snare with reverb on the 2 and 4..at least in the chorus, to give the track the feeling of "engaging" and "lifting off.." But also consider using the snare all the way through, starting with the first chorus..On your song, I hear the snare just on the 2 in the early parts, then just on the 4 later..but make it stand out a tiny bit more and make it fall on both the 2 and 4 together throughout the song, starting with the first chorus ..add reverb..and then the listener will FEEL the groove.. Maybe you are going for more of an experimental than a dance sound, but a recurring pulse is something prevalent in the more popular styles within the electronica umbrella. I hear the kick drum pounding out 4 quarter notes 1,2,3,4, on many pieces.. Just my thoughts and opinions.. Mike Hi Michael, Your comment and suggestions their are so welcoming and I do appreciate every word you've said. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to reply. Irwin
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