Who's Online Now
18 registered members (couchgrouch, Gavin Sinclair, Gary E. Andrews, JAPOV, glynda, maccharles, 4 invisible), and 215 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
Stephen John (singch
Stephen John (singch
Trinidad & Tobago
Posts: 289
Joined: August 2007
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
Deleted
by F Williams. 07/22/19 07:06 PM
Great Idea in the Netherlands...
by Gary E. Andrews. 07/22/19 06:42 PM
I Can't Forgive
by Martin Lide. 07/22/19 06:08 PM
Yesterday Movie..
by Gary E. Andrews. 07/22/19 05:34 PM
Look At the Love We're In
by Gary E. Andrews. 07/22/19 05:09 PM
I am Doing It I am Joining Taxi Any Thoughts?
by Gary E. Andrews. 07/22/19 04:46 PM
Need singer songwriters
by LunaSimone. 07/22/19 02:03 PM
Untitled
by LunaSimone. 07/22/19 01:33 PM
MAB music video, TABLES AND CHAIRS
by Marc Barnette. 07/22/19 01:07 PM
ONE TO RULE THEM ALL.
by LunaSimone. 07/22/19 01:05 PM
How Broken Hearts Can Be (Halie Loren vocal)
by Michael Zaneski. 07/22/19 12:05 PM
Pennies On His Eyes. (Kiphen & Cotton) 2 versions
by Neil Cotton. 07/22/19 09:03 AM
He's a changed man - suggestions welcome
by Roy Cooper. 07/21/19 09:09 PM
One Word
by JAPOV. 07/21/19 08:34 PM
A Part of the Plan
by Mimmo. 07/21/19 04:35 PM
Lyrics needed
by Fdemetrio. 07/21/19 03:05 PM
Love's Next Millionaire.
by JaneK. 07/21/19 11:13 AM
SOME THINGS. ( Work in progress)
by Travis david. 07/20/19 11:18 PM
I Have My Girl
by MFB III. 07/20/19 04:51 PM
I Hate A Song That Everybody Loves
by Fdemetrio. 07/20/19 03:09 PM
"First love, last love" (Work tape/track)
by Steve Altonian. 07/20/19 01:01 PM
Call On Me (Scratch Track)
by Martin Lide. 07/20/19 09:55 AM
Allergic To Work
by Neil Cotton. 07/20/19 08:13 AM
Topic removed
by Roy Cooper. 07/20/19 01:38 AM
SONGS WANTED URGENTLY PLEASE
by Steve Altonian. 07/19/19 11:46 PM
California
by 90 dB. 07/19/19 01:46 PM
The Man I Hide Behind
by ckiphen. 07/19/19 12:43 PM
Any thoughts on double song titles
by Roy Cooper. 07/19/19 02:21 AM
Oh, My Friend
by Gavin Sinclair. 07/18/19 11:42 AM
Why Does Love Have To Be So Hard
by nightengale. 07/18/19 06:59 AM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,750
Travis david 11,534
Kevin Emmrich 10,546
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,572
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,844
glynda 8,590
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,905
couchgrouch 7,530
Corey 7,357
Dave Rice 7,302
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
Mark Kaufman 6,493
Joe Wrabek 6,403
Vicarn 6,125
ben willis 6,099
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,604
niteshift 5,478
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Derek Hines 4,893
Neil Cotton 4,872
DonnaMarilyn 4,652
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,356
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,179
Cindy Miller 4,178
nightengale 4,073
Roy Cooper 4,054
TamsNumber4 4,033
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,799
MFB III 3,756
Dan Sullivan 3,710
beechnut79 3,500
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
E Swartz 3,333
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
Nigel Quin 2,812
MidniteBob 2,707
Nelson 2,570
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,242
Judy Hollier 2,232
Wendy D 2,206
Erica Ellis 2,202
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,012
DukeWill 1,984
floyd jane 1,982
maccharles 1,948
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,647
Noel Downs 1,620
Rick Heenan 1,596
Cal 1,574
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Martin Lide 1,506
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,461
Tom Franz 1,453
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
bholt 1,411
GocartMoz 1,411
Letha Allen 1,408
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
PeteG 1,242
Fdemetrio 1,232
Ian Ferrin 1,230
Glen King 1,214
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
Diane Ewing 1,158
Gerry 1,143
summeoyo 1,121
joro 1,081
BobbyJoe 1,075
lane1777 1,065
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Deej56 1,023
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
Wolvman 960
IronKnee 947
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
9ne 879
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 827
90 dB 799
Juan 797
TKO 784
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
Andy K 740
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 733
ant 732
Jackie444 731
3daveyO3 704
Dayson 703
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
Irwin 623
CG King 622
douglas 621
Pat Hardy 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
Moosesong 582
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
R&M 492
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Cecilee 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#1154039 - 06/13/19 02:33 AM WELCOME TO MY WORLD.Rewrite  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,534
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,534
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
WELCOME TO MYWORLD

V
It got to not caring where she went
as long as he didn't follow
Had money saved, 'bout enough for rent
tomorrow will take care of tomorrow
V
She ran out only clutching a small bag
dress falling apart at the seams
Almost run down by a speeding cab
lit up like a frightened deer, in it's beam
B
She looked vulnerable and lonely
although I didn't like to pry
I gently spoke offered a Kleenex to dry her eyes.
She seemed to trust me,
That's when she opend up
that amazing panacea
Two hot coffee cups
C
Welcome to my world, she said
So now tell me why you're here?
It's 3am don't you have a bed?
Or it's a hobby supplying tissues
for losers tears?
Whatever your issues,
Welcome to my world
V
We talked for hours,I listened to her story
in an all night caf called Old Friends
The drink, abuse,then many 'im sorry's
that he went back on time and time again
V
Me? I've his look, that says door mat.
kinda unlucky in love I explained
She said, really sorry about that
You're a nice guy,and not all girls are the same

Music

Chorus

V
3 and 4 am passed without knowing
My where did all those hours go
Then moving on with careful sewing
two torn lives were mended,so each past wouldn't show


Chorus






---------------------------------

]WELCOME TO MYWORLD

V
She ran out clutching a small bag
dress falling apart at the seams
Almost run down by a speeding cab
lit up like a frightened deer, in it's beam

V
She didn't care where she went
as long as he didn't follow
Had money saved, 'bout enough for rent
right now couldn't worry 'bout tomorrow
B
She looked vulnerable and lonely
I didn't like to pry
Gently spoke offered a Kleenex to dry her eyes
She seemed to trust me,
and she opend up
that amazing panacea
Two hot coffee cups

V
She told me her disturbing story
in an all night caf in Smithfield
He'd drink then abuse her,then was sorry
contsant regrets excuses, won't make old wounds heal


C
Welcome to my world, she said
So now tell me why you're here?
It's 3am don't you have a bed?
Or it's a hobby supplying tissues
for losers tears?
Whatever your issues,
Welcome to my world,
V
I must have this look, that says door mat.
kinda unlucky in love I explained
She said, really sorry about that
You're a nice guy,and not all girls are the same

V
3 and 4 am passed without knowing
My where did all those hours go
Then moving on with careful sewing
two torn lives were mended,so each past wouldn't show


Chorus



Last edited by Travis david; 06/14/19 08:09 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1154089 - 06/13/19 03:12 PM Re: WELCOME TO MY WORLD [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,023
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,023
Travis,

Like the hook . . . maybe a bit long getting to it in the chorus? And does the chorus work a second time around as written? Perhaps revise the second chorus so that it’s sung from his perspective, e.g., “welcome to my world, he said”. All just suggestions—use or lose as they say.

A good story here—and a nice start. Good luck with it!

Cheers,

Deej

#1154094 - 06/13/19 05:04 PM Re: WELCOME TO MY WORLD [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,534
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,534
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Dave
I agree on the long walk to thre chorus this does need sorting and perhaps a rethink about a final chorus as well.
It does need plenty yet.
Cheers
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1154099 - 06/13/19 06:08 PM Re: WELCOME TO MY WORLD [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 615
Gavin Sinclair Online content
Top 500 Poster
Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
Top 500 Poster

Joined: May 2017
Posts: 615
Conover, North Carolina, USA
Hey, John. Yes, it probably does need work, but I think it'll be worth it. Nice story with just the right amount of sentimentality. Nice atmospherics too.

I had a bit of difficulty imagining a rough melody, as the structure is unusual. I'm not saying that's a bad thing (not at all), but you tend to see it more often when music and words are written together.

I think you're on to something here.

I'm not a huge fan of the third verse. It sounds a bit dry, like a report. How about making it a little more vivid with actual quotes. My suggestion below would mean losing the rhyme of line 2 with line 4, but to me it didn't really work anyway because the stress in Smithfield is so strongly on the first syllable. Besides, there are plenty of locations you could change it to in order to achieve a rhyme.

We talked for hours, she told me her story
in an all night caf in Smithfield
The drink, the abuse, the "I'm sorry"s
All the "it won't happen again"s.

#1154108 - 06/14/19 06:41 AM Re: WELCOME TO MY WORLD [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,534
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,534
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Gavin
Thanks for your help and suggestions particularly on the third verse.
Not ready yet i know but i appreciate your comments
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1154114 - 06/14/19 08:55 AM Re: WELCOME TO MY WORLD [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,125
Vicarn Offline
Top 40 Poster
Vicarn  Offline
Top 40 Poster

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,125
UK
Nice little story Travis although could do with trimming as it seems a bit wordy.
But then the melody could help that.
I agree with Deej on the position of the chorus.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1154140 - 06/15/19 12:32 AM Re: WELCOME TO MY WORLD [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
nightengale Offline
Top 100 Poster
nightengale  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
Eugene, Or USA
I played around with your song yesterday, pushed something wrong on my phone and lost my post not being computer savvy and all. Actually not being phone savvy .

I think v2 needs to be v1 in the rewrite version cause it comes first and I really like the idea and will come back to this one

Geneva


Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Membership
Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
mik1953, sklove, Catfish, JAPOV, ali1019
21205 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics119,149
Posts1,123,144
Members21,205
Average Posts Daily35
Most Online1,541
Feb 21st, 2019
Just Plain Quotes
"Never apologize for your work. If it's the best you can do, there's nothing to be sorry about and if it's not, you shouldn't be exposing anyone else to it in the first place." –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
Chaplain Jerry Vance (71), Filk-Ferret (66), songsculptor (73), Steve Morgan (64), Steven L. Rosenhaus (2019)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0