Haven't posted in quite a while , but I'd like to get feedback on my remaster of this country tune with a cheating love theme .

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13878792
Noreen
v1
Upstairs , my wife was sleeping
To my window you came creeping
Like a fool , I opened up the door.
You know I can't resist you
Sliding down while I kissed you
We were making love there on the floor
chorus
Noreen, You're the Devil sent to me
Inside my flesh is burning for you constantly
From my lips no prayer will come,
Just the Devil's name,- Noreen.
v2
In her eyes I see the hurting
She knows, of that I'm certain
A victim of our cheating game
Your man is at home waiting,
But here you are out late and
I am falling for you once again
Chorus 2 and inst.
bridge
I've run away to save myself, to this desert town
But you still find me in dreams you pull me down
repeat chorus and outro

Pete, good production, loud enough to hear on computer speakers, solid Rhyme-Scheme, but...

the upbeat style of the music doesn't seem to match the tragedy of the Lyric. The Singer-Character doesn't sound distressed, just reporting the facts. If not for the infidelity it might work with a more comedic Point-Of-View.

The vocal Melody is too predictable, simply going up, coming down, without emotion. While it is 'traditional' country style, the Lyric is darker than traditional and I think it 'calls for' a darker emotional delivery, something more meditative.

Some Lines are oddly set up, enabling you to 'land' on the Rhyme-Word, not like you would probably actually speak them:

Noreen
v1
Upstairs , my wife was sleeping (past tense)
To my window you came creeping (Line set up to land on Rhyme-Word.) (past tense)
Like a fool , I opened up the door. (past tense)
You know I can't resist you ('can't resist' gives me present tense sense.)
Sliding down while I kissed you ('kissed' is past tense. Would 'kiss' be better?)
We were making love there on the floor ('were', past, 'are', present. I wonder if making it all present tense would be better.)

Upstairs , my wife IS sleeping (present tense)
To my window you COME creeping
Like a fool , I OPEN up the door.
You know I can't resist you
Sliding down while I KISS you
We ARE (or 'we're') making love there on the floor

chorus
Noreen, You're the Devil sent to me
Inside my flesh is burning for you constantly ('is burning' or simply 'burns', present tense)
From my lips no prayer will come, (Another Line seeming set up to land on the Rhyme, not like you would actually say it.)
Just the Devil's name,- Noreen. (I like this concept, 'No prayer will come from my lips; Just the Devil's name, Noreen.' The Chorus is succinct, gets the job done simply and we're ready for Verse II.)

v2
In her eyes I see the hurting (All present tense.)
She knows, of that I'm certain
A victim of our cheating game
Your man is at home waiting,
But here you are out late and
I am falling for you once again
Chorus 2 and inst.
bridge
I've run away to save myself, to this desert town
But you still find me in dreams you pull me down (Would the Line read the same without 'But'?)
repeat chorus and outro

Hi Gary, thanks for spending the time and energy on my song. I've been using the Izotope mastering software to upgrade some of my songs' sonic qualities. I'm pretty happy with the results as I realize I'm only so-so as a recording engineer, if even that. But my strength has been as a songwriter and especially as lyricist. I studied at the now defunct Songwriters Guild in LA with Phil Snow and Jai Josephs. and before that with Pete Luboff. I've had some minor album cuts, songs in several stage plays and one independent film that premiered at the NY Film Festival. There's more but I just mention this because I rarely get challenged on my lyrics. but I do not discount what you have to say. Here's my take - the uptempo was to give the song a feel more like the Johnny Cash song "Jackson" or some of Alan Jackson and others. These are singers with limited vocal range so a soaring melody would eliminate them. As to the time line - v1 is what happened in the past- the chorus says' it's wrong but I can't control my desire for you'- v2 - look what we're doing it's happening again - chorus -stop, I can't control myself - bridge where new info can be introduced - I've left to end this BUT I can't get you off my mind -( so I think it's a good but ) - chorus - it's such a good butt, it must be the work of Satan- in the outro he keeps calling her name -

that's just how I see it- maybe there will some other opinions? Thanks again Gary .

Interesting that you mentioned Johnny Cash. I immediately thought of him - voice, melody, guitar style. And, although I agree with Gary that this might not be the most obvious choice of style or tempo for the subject matter, I think it works because the fast tempo kind of reflects the thoughts spinning in his head, expressing agitation and a kind of urgency - "I know I should stop this, but I can't - I'm out of control."

I assume that you are talking about Izotope Ozone. I use that too, but only the basic Ozone Elements version, which is basically a bunch of presets with limited tweaking. It suits me because I wouldn't know what to do with the options available in the more expensive full-featured versions. It seems to have worked for you here, because it's a really good production.

Hi Pete,
A song very much in the Marty Robbins/ Johnny Cash style of story songs..
Well written lyric but i'd like to hear it at a slower pace musically.
Best of luck with it
Travis

Hi Pete,


I like what you're doing here, good job.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Thanks Gavin, your encouragement is much appreciated. I wasn't going for tears in my beer on this one - You get both approaches in classic Country. I remember being on an extended crying jag as I listened to Luke the Drifter's (Hank Williams)"Beyond the Sunset " on acid , or enjoying the uptempo lament of "Lovesick Blues... Yes, Ozone by Izotope ( I found the cheapest way to get their products is to buy the Production Suite, especially when it's on sale) I really like their vocal track software called Nectar - they have automated their new versions - both Ozone and Nectar- to work automatically with one click. and give a nice result that you can tweek. I'm hoping they read this shameless plug and give me a large discount in the future, Best! .... Pete

Pete,

I like this one . . . very Johnny Cash like in style and vocal. Production wise the vocal sounds a tad muffled, which is probably just a tweak or so on the EQ (which I’m pretty terrible at doing), but overall the production is nicely balanced. I think the pace is fine as is, but might be worth slowing it down 2-3 bps just to see how it sounds. But I wouldn’t go much more than that, personally. Like Gavin, I think the quicker pace works well with this.

Love that bridge—sweet. Good stuff, Pete! Thanks for sharing.

All the best,

Deej

Thanks Travis. Appreciate your comments. Marty Robbins was another great performer . Somewhere in my pile of cassettes, I have a version of El Paso City which was his retake on the original El Paso, from a different point of view. Thanks Again and Happy Writing, .... Pete

Thanks Calvin! - I like your new picture - you look happy - Hope all is swell with you - the guitar part on the outro was my proudest part - nice to hear from you again.,,,Pete

Thanks Deej - I appreciate the tips - the double time in the drums gives the illusion of speed I suppose - the melody on only half tempo - your tweek ideas sound easy enough - I'll play around with them if I decide to repost this - probably not for a while - I'd got quite a few unexpected listens to this over on Broadjam - but more lukewarm here? I'm getting to lazy I think.