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#1153450 - 05/20/19 02:30 PM Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart  
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 11
Adam_of_the_Universe Offline
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Adam_of_the_Universe  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 11
Lawrence, Kansas
Hey folks!

I got some really great advice from the wonderful community here with my first post (thanks again!), so I thought I'd share another. This is a song that's been sitting on the shelf a while that I'm considering giving an overhaul for my next E.P. The song was recorded at home a few years ago, so from a technical standpoint, there is obvious room for improvement. The recorded performance itself will be improved with a new studio recording as well.

More than anything, I'm looking for the positive aspects I should keep and expand upon through the next revision.

Things I'm specifically curious about are:

Length - Could an improved performance/arrangement/mix justify the nearly 5 minute runtime?

Lyrics - I know this is a wordy song and the current lyrics are often a bit obtuse. But are there any lines that stand out as keepers? Or good ideas that could be expanded upon? I'm attempting to write a thoughtful song with a spiritual dimension, and I recognize this style won't be to everyone's taste.

Melody - Any highlights or places for improvement without major changes to the basic underlying harmony (chords)?

Arrangement - general thoughts on how the sound and energy moves and builds throughout


GOLD HEART, BLEEDING HEART - SOUNDCLOUD

Lyrics:
Here I stand within the flame
Without a face, without a name
Here I surrender all I've known
Surrender spirit, surrender bone
And all the shadows I have grown
Decay and bloom again

Here I sleep upon the shore
Where I've been buried many times before
In this mind I find a world ablaze
In this dream I dance, amazed
Could it be that life is just a phase
And Death an open door?

Gold heart, bleeding heart
With butterfly fingers,
I pull my pain apart

Here I beat upon my drum
Here I summon the original hum
And all the lessons I have learned
All the anguish I have earned
Still many bridges to be burned
Many rivers to become

Gold heart, bleeding heart,
With butterfly fingers,
I pull my pain apart

Here I hold my ashes high
Here I let me sorrow fly
A freedom offered to the wind
An enormous breathing in
Every universe whirling within
Every atom born divine

Gold heart, bleeding heart,
With butterfly fingers,
I pull my pain apart

Last edited by Adam_of_the_Universe; 05/20/19 02:31 PM.
#1153452 - 05/20/19 03:13 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Dec 2000
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couchgrouch Online content
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couchgrouch  Online Content
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cochise, az, usa
Adam, again, an outstanding song. Lyric, melody, delivery...everything.

You'll probably get more specifics from others. Really well done. smile

#1153454 - 05/20/19 04:22 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Dec 2008
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Kolstad Offline
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Kolstad  Offline
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Denmark
Hi Adam, I liked this a lot. The lyrics are killer!

You had me untill the section at about 2.50, where you changed the groove.

I really liked the part with:

Here I beat upon my drum
Here I summon the original hum

Where you put in the deep drum underneath. I wanted to keep hearing this throughout till the end from here, though, as it was driving the song forward, maybe with some additional humming would have been really cool.

Lyrics are great, so don't worry about length, you just need to support it throughout with adding a little to the groove so the track builds.

Very talented work man!


Buzz Tracks
Making media sweeter

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#1153480 - 05/21/19 10:34 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Posts: 1,014
Adam,

Lyrics are outstanding on this . . . cool vibe going on throughout—beautiful and haunting. Really impressive guitar work as well. I’d like to hear the lead vocal come forward just a tad—great job with them, but think they are hidden just a bit. No problems with the arrangement from my side—I didn’t find change in sound in the interlude troubling. One other suggestion if you recut the vocal: In the last line of the last verse “every atom born divine”, I’d go up with the vocal rather than staying down, ending on just a little higher note. Just food for thought.

Lastly, don't worry about the length on this one. As long as it's engaging, it's not a problem. This one is engaging, and so isn't. Keep it precisely as is.

Liked this a ton.

Kind regards,

Deej

#1153489 - 05/22/19 07:04 AM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,732
Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,732
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hello Adam,


I have to agree with Kolstad about the change at the 2:50 mark, but who am I to even nit pick a song as good as this.
Lots of cool lyrics here but I especially liked this part..........

With butterfly fingers,
I pull my pain apart

A big WOW to you on what you're doing.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1153512 - 05/24/19 08:13 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 26
Guy E. Trepanier Offline
Casual Observer
Guy E. Trepanier  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 26
Quebec
Well written.
Well structured.
I like that bridge.
The melody is rich and varied.

This is a First Class Song!

Have fun!


K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple and Singable
Soundclick: Songs buy Guy E. Trepanier
#1153513 - 05/24/19 10:16 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,463
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Posts: 1,463
Houston, Texas
Adam....your middle and last name give away that you are contemplative. Your work makes it clear that you are a seeker.

When you write, personal goals matter. For me the song contains too many abstract metaphors. They layer over each other and never give me a clear view of what you intend to say. I'm pretty sure I get the gist.

If part of the goal was not to be perfectly clear...then it worked.

I can't comment on the music because I'm in Austin eating sushi in a noisy restaurant at the moment.

Please understand that I give you my personal opinion in a fairly raw form because I like your writing and am delighted that you post your stuff here.

#1153829 - 06/05/19 01:18 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 11
Adam_of_the_Universe Offline
Casual Observer
Adam_of_the_Universe  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 11
Lawrence, Kansas
Thanks so much again for the insightful comments, folks! Your feedback and encouragement have helped convince me that this song is worth reworking. I'm definitely here for honest feedback rather than praise, so never feel bad about sharing critiques that aren't 100% positive. I'm here to grow and learn from your experience and wisdom and I appreciate your generosity in sharing these greatly.

On the song:

-I probably should have remarked upon the time change (4/4 to 3/4) in the bridge in my initial post. Some of you found the shift disjointing, while others didn't seem to mind it. I'll explore creating better unity through the arrangement, but also experiment and see if keeping the original time signature throughout the song might be the wiser choice.

-I'll definitely bring the vocals forward and have a better mix overall the next time around.

-I'll look at how I can build energy and momentum in the song through a revised arrangement. Better use of percussion will be a part of that.

-I am reworking the lyrics in places to make the vision and thematic intentions of the song more clear.


Thanks again for sharing your many insights!

#1154244 - 06/17/19 07:42 AM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,503
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Posts: 11,503
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Outstanding song Adam.
Can't add anything other than this..Regards
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1154253 - 06/17/19 04:03 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,086
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,086
UK
Hi Adam.
As others have said, it's a good song.
For me the lyrics are wonderfully ambiguous and poetic. Reminds me a little of Dylan's work but darker.

I like the simple drum and the change of rhythm. Maybe you could stop with a faint cymbal and fade that part in.

Good stuff.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1154263 - 06/17/19 09:51 PM Re: Gold Heart, Bleeding Heart [Re: Adam_of_the_Universe]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,773
Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,773
California
Hi Adam,

Beautiful song, sound, voice. Congrats and welcome to JPF.

I just read an article in Bandcamp about psychedelic folk, and this sound has all those earmarks but I enjoyed this more than most of what I heard there.

I agree with Deej; another way to get more clarity in the singing (if that's something you want to do) would be to pan the vocal reverb (through a send channel) to the sides, favoring left or right.

Mike


Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)

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