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Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 16
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 16 |
Hey folks! I got some really great advice from the wonderful community here with my first post (thanks again!), so I thought I'd share another. This is a song that's been sitting on the shelf a while that I'm considering giving an overhaul for my next E.P. The song was recorded at home a few years ago, so from a technical standpoint, there is obvious room for improvement. The recorded performance itself will be improved with a new studio recording as well. More than anything, I'm looking for the positive aspects I should keep and expand upon through the next revision. Things I'm specifically curious about are: Length - Could an improved performance/arrangement/mix justify the nearly 5 minute runtime? Lyrics - I know this is a wordy song and the current lyrics are often a bit obtuse. But are there any lines that stand out as keepers? Or good ideas that could be expanded upon? I'm attempting to write a thoughtful song with a spiritual dimension, and I recognize this style won't be to everyone's taste. Melody - Any highlights or places for improvement without major changes to the basic underlying harmony (chords)? Arrangement - general thoughts on how the sound and energy moves and builds throughout GOLD HEART, BLEEDING HEART - SOUNDCLOUDLyrics: Here I stand within the flame Without a face, without a name Here I surrender all I've known Surrender spirit, surrender bone And all the shadows I have grown Decay and bloom again Here I sleep upon the shore Where I've been buried many times before In this mind I find a world ablaze In this dream I dance, amazed Could it be that life is just a phase And Death an open door? Gold heart, bleeding heart With butterfly fingers, I pull my pain apart Here I beat upon my drum Here I summon the original hum And all the lessons I have learned All the anguish I have earned Still many bridges to be burned Many rivers to become Gold heart, bleeding heart, With butterfly fingers, I pull my pain apart Here I hold my ashes high Here I let me sorrow fly A freedom offered to the wind An enormous breathing in Every universe whirling within Every atom born divine Gold heart, bleeding heart, With butterfly fingers, I pull my pain apart
Last edited by Adam_of_the_Universe; 05/20/19 02:31 PM.
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
Top 25 Poster
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Top 25 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
Adam, again, an outstanding song. Lyric, melody, delivery...everything. You'll probably get more specifics from others. Really well done.
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,845
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,845 |
Hi Adam, I liked this a lot. The lyrics are killer!
You had me untill the section at about 2.50, where you changed the groove.
I really liked the part with:
Here I beat upon my drum Here I summon the original hum
Where you put in the deep drum underneath. I wanted to keep hearing this throughout till the end from here, though, as it was driving the song forward, maybe with some additional humming would have been really cool.
Lyrics are great, so don't worry about length, you just need to support it throughout with adding a little to the groove so the track builds.
Very talented work man!
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1 |
Adam,
Lyrics are outstanding on this . . . cool vibe going on throughout—beautiful and haunting. Really impressive guitar work as well. I’d like to hear the lead vocal come forward just a tad—great job with them, but think they are hidden just a bit. No problems with the arrangement from my side—I didn’t find change in sound in the interlude troubling. One other suggestion if you recut the vocal: In the last line of the last verse “every atom born divine”, I’d go up with the vocal rather than staying down, ending on just a little higher note. Just food for thought.
Lastly, don't worry about the length on this one. As long as it's engaging, it's not a problem. This one is engaging, and so isn't. Keep it precisely as is.
Liked this a ton.
Kind regards,
Deej
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1 |
Hello Adam, I have to agree with Kolstad about the change at the 2:50 mark, but who am I to even nit pick a song as good as this. Lots of cool lyrics here but I especially liked this part.......... With butterfly fingers, I pull my pain apart
A big WOW to you on what you're doing. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 237 Likes: 11
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 237 Likes: 11 |
Well written. Well structured. I like that bridge. The melody is rich and varied.
This is a First Class Song!
Have fun!
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,125 Likes: 29
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,125 Likes: 29 |
Adam....your middle and last name give away that you are contemplative. Your work makes it clear that you are a seeker.
When you write, personal goals matter. For me the song contains too many abstract metaphors. They layer over each other and never give me a clear view of what you intend to say. I'm pretty sure I get the gist.
If part of the goal was not to be perfectly clear...then it worked.
I can't comment on the music because I'm in Austin eating sushi in a noisy restaurant at the moment.
Please understand that I give you my personal opinion in a fairly raw form because I like your writing and am delighted that you post your stuff here.
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Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 16
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 16 |
Thanks so much again for the insightful comments, folks! Your feedback and encouragement have helped convince me that this song is worth reworking. I'm definitely here for honest feedback rather than praise, so never feel bad about sharing critiques that aren't 100% positive. I'm here to grow and learn from your experience and wisdom and I appreciate your generosity in sharing these greatly.
On the song:
-I probably should have remarked upon the time change (4/4 to 3/4) in the bridge in my initial post. Some of you found the shift disjointing, while others didn't seem to mind it. I'll explore creating better unity through the arrangement, but also experiment and see if keeping the original time signature throughout the song might be the wiser choice.
-I'll definitely bring the vocals forward and have a better mix overall the next time around.
-I'll look at how I can build energy and momentum in the song through a revised arrangement. Better use of percussion will be a part of that.
-I am reworking the lyrics in places to make the vision and thematic intentions of the song more clear.
Thanks again for sharing your many insights!
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Outstanding song Adam. Can't add anything other than this..Regards Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9 |
Hi Adam. As others have said, it's a good song. For me the lyrics are wonderfully ambiguous and poetic. Reminds me a little of Dylan's work but darker.
I like the simple drum and the change of rhythm. Maybe you could stop with a faint cymbal and fade that part in.
Good stuff.
Vic
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711 Likes: 18
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711 Likes: 18 |
Hi Adam,
Beautiful song, sound, voice. Congrats and welcome to JPF.
I just read an article in Bandcamp about psychedelic folk, and this sound has all those earmarks but I enjoyed this more than most of what I heard there.
I agree with Deej; another way to get more clarity in the singing (if that's something you want to do) would be to pan the vocal reverb (through a send channel) to the sides, favoring left or right.
Mike
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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