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#1153210 - 05/08/19 02:36 PM Wrote You A Song  
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
LunaSimone Offline
Serious Contributor
LunaSimone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
©luna simone

v1
So ya wanna write
He said
Sometimes my mind
Is too antsy

v2
I just wanna spill
My heart out
With the lyrics
They never bothered to care about yet

CHORUS
I wrote you a song
But you glance and move on
The words are just stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to go apropos
Then I'll write and move along

v1
So ya wanna write
Bukowski said
Goddamn poet
Won't stop me while I'm ahead

v2
I've an impulsive
Mind
That ticks all the time
I'm stuck without reason
Or rhyme

CHORUS
I wrote you a song
But you glance and move on
You view it as stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to go apropos
Then I'll write and move along

BRIDGE
I'm trying to walk in line
Without losing my mind
Over all the ways
My sanity
Wants to unwind

I've the impulsive mind
That ticks all the time
I'm stuck without reason or rhyme

CHORUS
I wrote you a song
But you glance and move on
You view it as stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to go apropos
Then I'll write and move along

I wrote you a song
But you glance and move on
The words are just stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to go apropos
Then I'll write and move along.


Aries. INFP-T. Artist of all trades. Listener and creator of vast, unexpected musical genre writings/compositions.
Art is the journey of a free soul.
-Alev Oguz
http://soundcloud.com/lunarsimonamusic
#1153211 - 05/08/19 02:39 PM Re: Wrote You A Song [Re: LunaSimone]  
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
LunaSimone Offline
Serious Contributor
LunaSimone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
Sorry, I meant to take "write" out of a lot of the song, including the chorus. That should clear out some obvious criticism :/


Aries. INFP-T. Artist of all trades. Listener and creator of vast, unexpected musical genre writings/compositions.
Art is the journey of a free soul.
-Alev Oguz
http://soundcloud.com/lunarsimonamusic
#1153213 - 05/08/19 04:41 PM Re: Wrote You A Song [Re: LunaSimone]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,391
Gary E. Andrews Offline
Top 200 Poster
Gary E. Andrews  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,391
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Wrote You A Song
© 2019 by luna simone

Verse I
"So ya wanna write,"
He said.
Sometimes my mind
Is too antsy. (My ear would expect to hear this Line Rhymed somewhere below.)

Verse II (I'd say this Stanza is more of Verse I. There's not so much information or any new subject of communication that it should stand separate from what you labeled v1.)
I just wanna spill
My heart out
With the lyrics (With lyrics they never bothered, To care about. Rhyming 'out/about'.)
They never bothered to care about yet

CHORUS
I Wrote You A Song
But you glance and move on (Do you need the word 'But'? I think the ideas/actions are stronger without it.)
The words are just stale ('The' or 'My'? 'The' is abstract. I like it when the Singer-Character 'owns' it.)
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to go apropos (If life has to be so appropos)
Then I'll write and move along (Do you need 'Then'?)
(Here I recommend repeating your title, THE Hook, the main idea. Using it to open is fine, but eight Lines later, it may be forgotten. Repeating it emphasizes it as the Singer-Character's main issue, complaint, comment.

v1 (I'd call this Verse II)
"So ya wanna write,"
Bukowski said.
Goddamned poet
Won't stop me while I'm ahead

v2
I've an impulsive
Mind
That ticks all the time (That's ticking all the time) (ticking, ticking, ticking all the time.)
I'm stuck without reason,
Or rhyme (without rhyme)

CHORUS
I Wrote You A Song
You glance and move on
You view it as stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to be so apropos
I'll write and move along.
I Wrote You A Song.

BRIDGE
I'm trying to walk in line
Without losing my mind
Over all the ways
My sanity
Wants to unwind

I've the impulsive mind
That's ticking all the time (ticking, ticking all the time)
I'm stuck without reason, without rhyme

CHORUS
I Wrote You A Song
You glance and move on
You view it as stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to be so apropos
I'll write and move along
I Wrote You A Song

I Wrote You A Song
You glance and move on
The words are just stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to be so apropos
I'll write and move along.
I Wrote You A Song.
Damn it!
I Wrote You A Song.

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 05/08/19 04:45 PM.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1153220 - 05/09/19 01:06 PM Re: Wrote You A Song [Re: Gary E. Andrews]  
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
LunaSimone Offline
Serious Contributor
LunaSimone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67


I Wrote You A Song
You glance and move on
The words are just stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to be so apropos
I'll write and move along.
I Wrote You A Song.
Damn it!
I Wrote You A Song.[/quote]

Ok Gary, thanks for the critique! But as I said in my follow-up post, I was planning to change the end of my chorus, continuing instilling the need to keep "doing my thing" and writing songs I liked until people gave a damn so haha, funny I should pretend I'm firing back, no offense though.

Here goes:

I wrote you a song
But you glance and move on
The words are just stale
You scroll like I said something wrong
Music and lyrics
Have to be just so
If life has to be so apropos
I'LL DO MY THING AND MOVE ALONG.


Aries. INFP-T. Artist of all trades. Listener and creator of vast, unexpected musical genre writings/compositions.
Art is the journey of a free soul.
-Alev Oguz
http://soundcloud.com/lunarsimonamusic
#1153222 - 05/09/19 01:52 PM Re: Wrote You A Song [Re: LunaSimone]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,391
Gary E. Andrews Offline
Top 200 Poster
Gary E. Andrews  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,391
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
The last Line, the one left ringing in the listeners' ears (the readers' minds) is usually the emphasized idea, the Singer-Character's main point, the issue which prompted them to tell their story, and strategically placed in the Chorus to sum up what has been said in the Verses.

You might change the title, THE Hook, to "Do My Thing (And Move Along)". I liked the idea that she wrote HIM a Song, not just a Song she wrote, but one she wrote FOR him in some way, a student trying to please a teacher, perhaps with a budding love, infatuation, respect for his point of view, but pride in what she thought she'd done well with, expecting more of a positive appraisal, but what she felt so emotionally committed to was 'scrolled' on the screen, passed by in life, like it was just another daily newspaper. That's why I wanted to repeat the title at the end, to re-emphasize all that emotional involvement she had put in her Song she wrote FOR him.

Keep exploring! Every Song is a learning experience, an increase of feeling for Rhythm and Rhyme, storytelling, fantasy and fiction, even non-fiction expression of one's own realities.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1153232 - 05/10/19 12:06 AM Re: Wrote You A Song [Re: LunaSimone]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,084
nightengale Offline
Top 100 Poster
nightengale  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,084
Eugene, Or USA
I like what you are saying Luna,

I felt emotion when I read this, I felt maybe hurt feelings, attitude, attitude, and then the singer saying, oh well, your loss. All are good things in a song.

Gary made great points about the hook, title. Let it repeat and set the hook

Geneva

#1153241 - 05/10/19 11:29 AM Re: Wrote You A Song [Re: LunaSimone]  
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
LunaSimone Offline
Serious Contributor
LunaSimone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 67
Thanks Nightengale and Gary. I am definitely learning a lot as I write, for sure. Honesty here is the ultimate policy.


Aries. INFP-T. Artist of all trades. Listener and creator of vast, unexpected musical genre writings/compositions.
Art is the journey of a free soul.
-Alev Oguz
http://soundcloud.com/lunarsimonamusic

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