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#938580 - 12/29/11 10:43 PM Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Title: Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011
Fran Williams

Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans

V1)
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans

V2)
Building her castles in the sand & playing
See her little ponytail flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans
Our daughter looks just like you back then

Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytail & your cut off jeans

V3)
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
We'll never let these memories slip away
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans

Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
We jumped on my new red iron pony
Quick ride down the beach you & me

PS, All constructive help and suggestions
will be greatly appreciated zombie cool


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#938884 - 01/02/12 12:36 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 83
PENKSLYRICS Offline
Serious Contributor
PENKSLYRICS  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 83
Crewe, England
Hi Fran, first of all welcome aboard

I like the overall idea, however there are a few things I'd add and rearrange. See below.

V1)
Those mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember them like they were yesterday

(Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytails & your cut off jeans

V2)
As we walked along the sunny beach today
Me in a guitar shirt & mullet hair do
You still looking gorgeous in your cut off jeans
I'll never let these memories slip away

(chorus)

V3)
Sitting here watching her playing on the beach
Her little ponytails flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & those cut off jeans
Our daughter looks the image of you back then

Repeat chorus)2X's

I think this way it sounds a bit more balanced as a story plus sorts out the syllable count in the verses.
Feel free to keep them or bin them.
Best
Roger


I'm a lyricist with original lyrics available for all recording purposes, open to collaboration so if interested please see my website.
http://www.penkslyrics.com
#938890 - 01/02/12 02:30 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: PENKSLYRICS]  
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151
Songpusher1 Offline
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Songpusher1  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 151
Great lyric... ROgers advice seems spot on..

#938901 - 01/02/12 05:04 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
R. Shayne Vaughan Offline
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R. Shayne Vaughan  Offline
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
Edmonton, KY
Hey Fran,

Comments/suggestions below, keep or sweep smile

V1)
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeans

rings and jeans are near rhymes but would work great if you rhymed lines two and four...so what about this:

All our younger days seem to just slip away
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeans

V2)
Building her castles in the said & playing
See her little ponytail s flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans
Our daughter looks just like you back then

Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you<<--It's been in too many songs!
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytail s & your cut off jeans

V3)
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
We'll never let these memories slip away
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans

Rearrange to fit the ABCB rhyme scheme:

Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans
We'll never let these memories slip away


Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
We jumped on my new red iron pony
Quick ride down the beach you & me
(not needed since you already said "we")


I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase. - Harlan Howard

Co-writing = Compromise!


#938919 - 01/02/12 12:57 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: PENKSLYRICS]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by PENKSLYRICS
Hi Fran, first of all welcome aboard

I like the overall idea, however there are a few things I'd add and rearrange. See below.

V1)
Those mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember them like they were yesterday

(Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytails & your cut off jeans

V2)
As we walked along the sunny beach today
Me in a guitar shirt & mullet hair do
You still looking gorgeous in your cut off jeans
I'll never let these memories slip away

(chorus)

V3)
Sitting here watching her playing on the beach
Her little ponytails flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & those cut off jeans
Our daughter looks the image of you back then

Repeat chorus)2X's

I think this way it sounds a bit more balanced as a story plus sorts out the syllable count in the verses.
Feel free to keep them or bin them.
Best
Roger


Hi Penkslyrics, thank you for the awesome suggestions.
I knew something was out of sync, and this is what it
was. Your advice really helps to bring the story-line
into the future scenes..Wow!! I would like to develop
this with island type beach music. 'Jimmy Buffet' style.

Thanks again,
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#938921 - 01/02/12 01:01 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: Songpusher1]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Hi Songpusher, Thanks for the kudos's. It is appreciated!

Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#938922 - 01/02/12 01:05 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: R. Shayne Vaughan]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by R. Shayne Vaughan
Hey Fran,

Comments/suggestions below, keep or sweep smile

V1)
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeans

rings and jeans are near rhymes but would work great if you rhymed lines two and four...so what about this:

All our younger days seem to just slip away
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail s & the cut off jeans

V2)
Building her castles in the said & playing
See her little ponytail s flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans
Our daughter looks just like you back then

Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you<<--It's been in too many songs!
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytail s & your cut off jeans

V3)
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
We'll never let these memories slip away
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans

Rearrange to fit the ABCB rhyme scheme:

Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans
We'll never let these memories slip away


Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
We jumped on my new red iron pony
Quick ride down the beach you & me
(not needed since you already said "we")


Hi Shayne, thank you for the valuable suggestions. I will
take all of them into consideration for a re-write. Do you
think that island type music, 'Jimmy Buffet style' could
work for this lyic?

Thanks again,
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#938936 - 01/02/12 04:01 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
R. Shayne Vaughan Offline
Top 200 Poster
R. Shayne Vaughan  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
Edmonton, KY
Yes, island music would be cool.


I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase. - Harlan Howard

Co-writing = Compromise!


#939034 - 01/03/12 03:32 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: R. Shayne Vaughan]  
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 83
PENKSLYRICS Offline
Serious Contributor
PENKSLYRICS  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 83
Crewe, England
Glad that I could help, good to hear you liked my suggestions.
Post the rewrite up when it's done.

Best
Roger


I'm a lyricist with original lyrics available for all recording purposes, open to collaboration so if interested please see my website.
http://www.penkslyrics.com
#939978 - 01/11/12 01:52 PM Re: Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011
Fran Williams

Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
Re-write, 01/11/2012

V1)
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans

Lift)
Fell in love the first time I ever saw you
Wearing your cute ponytail & cut off jeans

Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytail & your cut off jeans

V2)
Building her castle in the sand & playing
See her little ponytail flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans
Our daughter looks just like you back then

V3)
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
We'll never let these memories slip away
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans

Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
We jumped on my new red iron pony
Quick ride down the beach you & me

PS, All constructive help and suggestions
will be greatly appreciated.

Best,
Fran Williams:)


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#940165 - 01/12/12 08:23 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Jen Shaner Offline
Top 200 Poster
Jen Shaner  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Appomattox Va
I like the overall idea and you have gotten some good suggestions already. If you want to change the lyric line

"Remember the first time I ever saw you" to make it more original I thought up one idea...keep or sweep.

What about saying something like "Outside at recess, just looking around"?

It's coming along nicely. Good luck with it!


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#940173 - 01/12/12 08:51 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: Jen Shaner]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Jen Shaner
I like the overall idea and you have gotten some good suggestions already. If you want to change the lyric line

"Remember the first time I ever saw you" to make it more original I thought up one idea...keep or sweep.

What about saying something like "Outside at recess, just looking around"?

It's coming along nicely. Good luck with it!


Hi Jen, thank you so much for your suggestions. I will
try and do a re-write and make some changes with the new
special words about recess & etc.

Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#944627 - 02/08/12 05:49 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 852
brandon kilgore Offline
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brandon kilgore  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 852
Like your idea here. Roger and the rest of the gang's advice is right on. I can't think of any to add myself. Keep up the good writing and keep the great ideas flowing.

#945804 - 02/15/12 11:06 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: brandon kilgore]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by brandon kilgore
Like your idea here. Roger and the rest of the gang's advice is right on. I can't think of any to add myself. Keep up the good writing and keep the great ideas flowing.


Hi Brandon, thank you for the nice comments. A friend
played music to this lyric and it sounded very good.
It was fun & happy and had the island flavor & style.
Thanks again.

Best regards,
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#946085 - 02/17/12 05:09 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Jim Colyer Offline
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Jim Colyer  Offline
Top 30 Poster

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Nashville, Tennessee usa
I like the nostalgic flavor of this one. We tend to romanticize the past.

#966148 - 07/01/12 11:34 AM Re: Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by MusicJams
Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011
Fran Williams

Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
Re-write, 01/11/2012

V1)
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans

Lift)
Fell in love the first time I ever saw you
Wearing your cute ponytail & cut off jeans

Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytail & your cut off jeans

V2)
Building her castle in the sand & playing
See her little ponytail flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans
Our daughter looks just like you back then

V3)
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
We'll never let these memories slip away
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans

Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
We jumped on my new red iron pony
Quick ride down the beach you & me

PS, All constructive help and suggestions
will be greatly appreciated.

Best,
Fran Williams


Update:
I would love to find a singer/musician for this lyric..
Any word changes to develop the music is approved. It
would be a 50/50 co-write..

Lady in waiting smile
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#967203 - 07/10/12 12:14 PM Re: Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011
Fran Williams

Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans
Re-write, 01/11/2012

V1)
Mini skirts with tiny shirts & mood rings
All our younger days seem to just slip away
The concerts in the park, loving in the dark
I remember your ponytail & the cut off jeans

Lift)
Fell in love the first time I ever saw you
Wearing your cute ponytail & cut off jeans

Chorus)
Remember the first time I ever saw you
Our grade school playground was filled
But you were the girl that caught my eye
Jumping rope, singing & playful things
You were such a cute girl standing there
With your ponytail & your cut off jeans

V2)
Building her castle in the sand & playing
See her little ponytail flipping in the wind
Sand all over her legs & the cut off jeans
Our daughter looks just like you back then

V3)
As we walked down the sunny beach today
Me in the guitar shirt & my mullet hair do
We'll never let these memories slip away
Still look gorgeous in your cut off jeans

Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
We jumped on my new red iron pony
Quick ride down the beach you & me

PS, All constructive help and suggestions
will be greatly appreciated.


Bikini Babe smile
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#1152956 - 04/25/19 09:43 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Hi Folks, springtime is here and I wanted a Singer/ Musician,
to help develop this lyric! It would be a, 50/50 Co-Write!

Thanks, smile
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#1152961 - 04/25/19 11:37 AM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,282
Gary E. Andrews Offline
Top 200 Poster
Gary E. Andrews  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,282
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Fran, since it starts out as a boy admiring a girl, the element of sexual desire being a factor, the addition of the daughter might be incongruent.
I'd keep it a man/woman Song, mainly his ongoing admiration of her, and desire for her.


Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans (Ponies only have one tail, usually, except for that one they had at the county fair last year. When hair is split into two they're usually called 'Pigtails'. That could change, or just say 'Ponytail', singular.)

I just ran through it with my hatchet. I don't know if my version will still work with your Jimmy Buffett idea. I hope so. The crime-scene cleanup crew will be done in a minute. Then you can go in. I've gotta go throw this hatchet in the ocean.

(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011
Fran Williams

Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans
Re-write, 01/11/2012

V1)
Our younger days just slip away
Mini skirts, tiny shirts & mood rings
That concert in the park, learning loving in the dark,
With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans

Chorus)
I remember the first time I saw you
That playground was filled
Jumping rope, singing then like you still do
Our eyes met and you stood still
With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.

V2)
We still build castles in the sand
We still dream, scream and shout! You still sing.
You get mad. I just laugh, calling you my bitter half,
With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans.

Chorus)
I remember the first time I saw you
That playground was filled
Jumping rope, singing then like you still do
Our eyes met and you stood still
With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans

Bridge)
I don't know what this all means
I still love you with your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.

Chorus)
I remember the first time I saw you
That playground was filled
Jumping rope, singing then like you still do
Our eyes met and you stood still
With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.
Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1152963 - 04/25/19 02:02 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: F Williams]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 22
Guy E. Trepanier Online content
Casual Observer
Guy E. Trepanier  Online Content
Casual Observer

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 22
Quebec
Here is my take. You may ignore it if you don't like.

The 1st verse establishes the pattern for the others. Here's my suggestion:

All our younger days / seem to slip away / (da da da da dam /da da da da dam /)
Mini skirts, tiny shirts /and mood rings / (da da dam, da da dam /dam dam dam /)
Concerts in the park, / loving in the dark / (da da da da dam / da da da da dam /)
With your pony tail /and your cut-off jeans / (da da da da dam /da da da da dam /)

A simplified chorus may look like this:
The first time I /saw you / (dam dam dam dam /damm dam )
Was /in our school play-/ground / (da /dam dam dam dam /damm /)
You're still playing /all around / (dam dam dam dam /dam da damm /)
With your pony tail /and your cut-off jeans / (da da da da dam /da da da da dam /)

You can do whatever you want with this. This is your song.
Have fun!


Last edited by Guy E. Trepanier; 04/25/19 02:12 PM.

K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple and Singable
Soundclick: Songs buy Guy E. Trepanier
#1152964 - 04/25/19 02:40 PM Re: Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans [Re: Gary E. Andrews]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Gary E. Andrews
Fran, since it starts out as a boy admiring a girl, the element of sexual desire being a factor, the addition of the daughter might be incongruent.
I'd keep it a man/woman Song, mainly his ongoing admiration of her, and desire for her.


Ponytails & Cut Off Jeans (Ponies only have one tail, usually, except for that one they had at the county fair last year. When hair is split into two they're usually called 'Pigtails'. That could change, or just say 'Ponytail', singular.)

I just ran through it with my hatchet. I don't know if my version will still work with your Jimmy Buffett idea. I hope so. The crime-scene cleanup crew will be done in a minute. Then you can go in. I've gotta go throw this hatchet in the ocean.

(C) All Rights Reserved, 08/08/2011
Fran Williams

Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans
Re-write, 01/11/2012

V1)
Our younger days just slip away
Mini skirts, tiny shirts & mood rings
That concert in the park, learning loving in the dark,
With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans

Chorus)
I remember the first time I saw you
That playground was filled
Jumping rope, singing then like you still do
Our eyes met and you stood still
With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.

V2)
We still build castles in the sand
We still dream, scream and shout! You still sing.
You get mad. I just laugh, calling you my bitter half,
With your Ponytail And Cut-off Jeans.

Chorus)
I remember the first time I saw you
That playground was filled
Jumping rope, singing then like you still do
Our eyes met and you stood still
With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans

Bridge)
I don't know what this all means
I still love you with your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.

Chorus)
I remember the first time I saw you
That playground was filled
Jumping rope, singing then like you still do
Our eyes met and you stood still
With your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans.
Your Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans
Ponytail, And Cut-off Jeans


Hi Gary, thank you for all the excellent suggestions! The comment about
It just being one ponytail is so correct! smile This is why I admire you so much,
and your ability to catch mistakes:) I believe this is a good modern type
song! Island beach, flavor and style! smile

I appreciate you,
The Bikini Babe

Last edited by F Williams; 04/25/19 03:23 PM.

"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile
#1152965 - 04/25/19 02:58 PM Re: Ponytail & Cut Off Jeans [Re: Guy E. Trepanier]  
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
F Williams Offline
Serious Contributor
F Williams  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 187
Thanks for the comments, I am going to hire a band to develop
this lyric. Will be the island flavor and style.

Best,
Fran Williams


"Dreamin' Big Dreams", Wake Up And Go For Them smile

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