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#1152925 - 04/24/19 11:47 AM A SONG FOR YOU  
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Travis david Online content
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A SONG FOR YOU

Think you know me
then why disown me
You knew what that would do
You can abuse me
You can accuse me
But I won't forget you

I've been lonely
I've been the only
One in my room
I've needed someone
got it all wrong
But I can't forget you

Maybe once in a while
You'll recall
Maybe once in a while
Think we could have had it all

Not forgotten you
What you put me through
With this someone new
Got the scars
Sat alone in bars
Wrote this song for you

Don't feel sorry
Don't you worry
It's not what you do
When it's the end
You'll miss a friend
Goodbye little you

Last edited by Travis david; 04/24/19 05:46 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1152927 - 04/24/19 12:09 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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Gary E. Andrews Online content
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With a name like Vivienne to work with, I'd suggest sweetening up on her, making her an object of desire, not rejection. If you don't get her, now that I know she's out there, I'll be looking for her. lol Make some time for Vivienne.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1152929 - 04/24/19 12:22 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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It's a name and someone from the past Gary.Quite a girl in her day. I'm talking monochrome TV's and flared pants so I'm going back a few years lol
Cheers
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1152930 - 04/24/19 12:24 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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It's a name and someone from the past Gary.Quite a girl in her day. I'm talking monochrome TV's and flared pants so I'm going back a few years lol
Cheers
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1152932 - 04/24/19 12:31 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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I'm not usually a huge fan of the "you did me wrong, now you don't know what you're missing" genre. It's hard to do without coming off as bitter, which is not a good look for a singer smile

Having said that, with a gentle melody, this could dodge that trap and come across more as a wistful little song. I'll be interested to hear it if you put it to music.

#1152935 - 04/24/19 12:40 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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Hi Spider man( sorry about that Gavin lol)
It's very odd.
I've been trying to write a lyric for a day or two but nothing came of it.
So i sat down this afternoon had a beer or two and write this within ten minutes.
I'm not advocating i should try 4 pints and write one in 5 minutes but ....
Thanks for your comments
Cheers
Travis

Last edited by Travis david; 04/24/19 12:40 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1152937 - 04/24/19 01:32 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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A change of title as tbe old title A song for Vivienne was admittedly a bit archaic


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1152941 - 04/24/19 05:48 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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Done a rewtite
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1153030 - 04/27/19 02:22 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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Gary E. Andrews Online content
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I think you need a stronger Chorus. Vivienne, her name alone, was a strong Love-Interest Character. But even this anonymous Love-Interest Character starts to take shape as the Verses tell the tale.

Something stronger, something with finality, should happen in the Chorus. I think the Singer-Character is finally breaking her spell and moving on, a show of personal strength.

A SONG FOR YOU
(Verse I)
Think you know me 4 (You think you know me 5)
then why disown me 5 (Why disown me? 4)
You knew what that would do (6)
You can abuse me 5 (You abused me 4)
You can accuse me 5 (You accused me 4)
But I won't forget you 6 (I won't forget you 5)

(With very short Lines the Melody can't vary much between Verses. The difference could be very obvious. You don't have much variation, but, again, short Lines, differences may be obvious.

Verse I syllable/note count: 4 5 6 5 5 6
to compare with Verse II: 4 5 4 5 4 6)

(Verse II)
I've been lonely 4 (Yes I've been lonely 5)
I've been the only 5 (been the only 4)
One in my room 4 (one to come to my room 6)
I've needed someone 5 (needed someone 4)
got it all wrong (4)
But I can't forget you 6 (I can't forget you 5)

(Chorus)
Maybe once in a while (Once in a while,)
You'll recall (I think we could have had it all)
Maybe once in a while (Once in a while)
Think we could have had it all (we did you may recall)
(The memories aren't all bad
The good ones still ring true
Once in a while
I write a Song For You)

(Last Line of Chorus, left ringing in their ears as the Chorus ends. Repeat?)

(Verse I syllable/note count: 4 5 6 5 5 6.) (My Lines are different)
Verse II syllable/note count: 4 5 4 5 4 6)
(Verse III syllable/note count: 4 5 5 3 5 5)

(The 'forget' idea, ending VI and VII might be reasons to say something else here in VIII Line 1.)
Not forgotten you 4 (I can't forgive you 5)
What you put me through 5
With this someone new 5 (With YOUR someone new 5)(Let her 'own' him.)
Got the scars 3 (I've still got the scars 5)
Sat alone in bars 5
Wrote this song for you 5 (How could I forget you 6)
(THE Hook/title, "Song For You", but it's out of place. The pattern of "But I won't forget you" ending Verse I, and "But I can't forget you" might be a logical way to end Verse III too, following the pattern.)

Don't feel sorry 4 (I don't feel sorry 5)
Don't you worry 4
It's not what you do 5 (It's not the thing to do 6)
When it's the end 4
You'll miss a friend 4
Goodbye little you 5 (to say goodbye to 5)

(This second giving of the Chorus, below, would only be your second 'hit' on THE Hook/title. Three is minimum to drive it home as the main point of a Song, to make it 'memorable'. Make listeners keep singing after you stop.
Perhaps a couple 'hits' in the Coda will do that trick. Or, the uptempo, those quick, short Lines, could enable a repeat in each giving of the Chorus. That would give you four solid 'hits' on THE Hook, then some extras in the Coda. Stronger in memorability.)

(Chorus)
Maybe once in a while (Once in a while,)
You'll recall (I think we could have had it all)
Maybe once in a while (Once in a while)
Think we could have had it all (we did you may recall)
(The memories aren't all bad
The good ones still ring true
Once in a while
I write a Song For You
Once in a while (repeat)
I write a Song For You)

(Coda)
(The memories aren't all bad
The good ones still ring true
Once in a while
I write a Song For You)
Once in a while
I write a Song For You) (This would be the sixth 'hit' on THE Hook.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going looking for Vivienne! Not the mean one. Some sweet-singing, sweet smiling dollup of delightfulness!


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1153032 - 04/27/19 05:02 PM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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I got rid of her Gary. This Viv had to go but i have fond memories of the real one of many years ago.But we won't go into that.
I thank you for your suggestions and rewrite.
At some point next week i will attempt to come up with a working melody .
Regards
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1153071 - 04/30/19 07:18 AM Re: Song for Vivienne [Re: Travis david]  
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Posts: 4,073
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Posts: 4,073
Eugene, Or USA
Travis,

I musta missed the first write.
I read this after Vivienne was wrote out of the song

Some good suggestions.
I don't get to the mp3 board too often but I go have a listen.

Geneva


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