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#1152884 - 04/23/19 06:42 AM Love Is Lukewarm  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Posts: 4,073
Eugene, Or USA
Love Is Lukewarm

(C) 2019 Geneva Griffin

V1
Our burning love has turned to coal
Your open arms seem so far away
The flame in you eye has lost its glow
But I know your heart is here to stay

CH
Love is lukewarm
It's neither hot nor cold
Love has lost its touch
Passion once overflowed
Tho we'll never be strangers
Our hearts beat to distant drums
Remember back when we were young
The honeymoon is done
Love is lukewarm

V2
We don't hold hands when we walk
Laugh about life like we used to
Tho the fire in our kiss is dead and gone
Our lips don't forget those I love yous

CH
Love is lukewarm
It's neither hot nor cold
Love has lost its touch
Passion once overflowed
Tho we'll never be strangers
Our hearts beat to distant drums
Remember back when we were young
The honeymoon is done
Love is lukewarm

Bridge
We're become like two old friends
It's about time we catch up
There's no time like the present
To wrap our arms around the future
And get back in touch

CH
Love is lukewarm
It's neither hot nor cold
Love has lost its touch
Passion once overflowed
Tho we'll never be strangers
Our hearts beat to distant drums
Remember back when we were young
The honeymoon is done
Love is lukewarm


Last edited by nightengale; 04/23/19 06:51 AM.
#1152923 - 04/24/19 11:42 AM Re: Love Is Lukewarm [Re: nightengale]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,527
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,527
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Gen
Really like this but I stumbled over the first line. Turned to coal.
Is that meaning black dark,perhaps worthless?
Wasn't sure?
Regards
John

Last edited by Travis david; 04/24/19 11:45 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1152926 - 04/24/19 11:54 AM Re: Love Is Lukewarm [Re: nightengale]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,338
Gary E. Andrews Online content
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Gary E. Andrews  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,338
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Nightengale, it's difficult to get this one up into story form. Those Characters don't seem fully formed. You're working around that concept of 'lukewarm' but it's not coming across in a strong way, to me.

Love Is Lukewarm (Our? Love Is Lukewarm)

(C) 2019 Geneva Griffin

V1
Our burning love has turned to coal (I think you mean 'coals', the still hot remains of a wood fire. It implies the 'heat' is still there, but it's not the roaring fire it once was. The last Line solidifies that idea, 'here to stay'. The 'fire's' not 'out'. The word 'coal' made me think of the black, cold fossil fuel, a different metaphor altogether. I'm wondering how it will come across when sung, as opposed to read from the written page.)
Your open arms seem so far away
The flame in your eye has lost its glow
But I know your heart is here to stay (Delete 'But'?)(This Line suggests the Love-Interest Character is still 'in'. Where is the Singer-Character on the issue?

CH
Love Is Lukewarm (Our Love Is Lukewarm?)
It's neither hot nor cold
Love has lost its touch
Passion once overflowed (where passion once overflowed)
Though we'll never be strangers
Our hearts beat to distant drums
Remember back when we were young (Delete 'Remember'?)
The honeymoon is done (This suggests the 'coals' have gone out, abandoning the 'Lukewarm' idea.)
(I think you need a Rhyme for 'Lukewarm in that last Line above. Born, adorn, form, morn', storm, torn, worn)
Love Is Lukewarm (Our Love Is Lukewarm)

V2
We don't hold hands when we walk
Laugh about life like we used to
Tho the fire in our kiss is dead and gone (dead but NOT gone) (Keep the 'coals' alive.)
Our lips don't forget those I-love-you's

CH
Our Love Is Lukewarm
It's neither hot nor cold
Love has lost its touch (Has love lost its touch? Asking, instead of declaring.)
where passion once overflowed
Though we'll never be strangers
Our hearts beat to distant drums
back when we were young
Can a new fire be born
when Our Love Is Lukewarm?

Bridge
We're become like two old friends
It's about time we catch up
There's no time like the present
To wrap our arms around the future
And get back in touch
(The Bridge picks up a note of hope for rekindling the flame of the love they once knew. I'm hearing a more passionate plea.
Will you burn--- for me!
Like I burn-- for you!
Can a new fire be born
when Our Love Is Lukewarm?)

CH
Our Love Is lukewarm
It's neither hot nor cold
Has love lost its touch
where passion once overflowed?
Though we'll never be strangers (Rising emotional Melody)
Our hearts beat to distant drums
back when we were young
Can a new fire be born
when Our Love Is Lukewarm?
(Coda)
Can a new fire be born
when Our Love Is Lukewarm?


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1152975 - 04/25/19 10:40 PM Re: Love Is Lukewarm [Re: nightengale]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
Eugene, Or USA
Thank you Travis,
I really appreciate you eyes on this
It's not clear enough and I need to work on that.
I'm gone for the weekend and will try and get back to it then.

Geneva

#1152976 - 04/25/19 10:46 PM Re: Love Is Lukewarm [Re: nightengale]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,073
Eugene, Or USA
Thank you Gary for your insite.

I really appreciate a critic that will make me think about how I worded or missworded what I was trying to say.

It's all about becoming a batter writer.

Geneva


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