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Hi, folks:

Something new . . . this time a solo effort. I try not to post too often, too soon, but this one's been hanging around and I think it's gone as far as I can take it. The good news is that I'll be a little out of pocket the next couple of weeks, so there be a little space between this and my next offering. I hope it’s worth the listen.

IF YOU STAY

(V) I hear you whisper in the dying light,
just a quiet word beneath a weary sigh,
and the car outside, idling in the snow.
I see the key to my apartment door
on the countertop next to the ring you wore,
and they’re telling me you really mean to go.

(C) But if you stay one more night
we can make this all right,
if we try we just might
make this last forever.
If we make one last stand
it can be just like we planned,
you don’t have to walk away,
we can make this all OK
if you stay.

(V) Don’t you remember how we used to be,
how we wore each others skins so comfortably,
we were more than two could ever be alone.
So tell me why it’s different now,
how what we had we lost somehow,
you say it’s gone,
maybe it’s gone.

(C) But if you stay one more night
we can make this all right,
if we try we just might
make this last forever.
If we make one last stand
it can be just like we planned,
you don’t have to walk away,
we can make this all OK
if you stay.

(B) Don’t it feel like our two hearts belong together,
that if we fight for what we love
we can get back to how it was.

(C) But if you stay one more night
we can make this all right,
if we try we just might
make this last forever.
If we make one last stand
it can be just like we planned,
you don’t have to walk away,
we can make this all OK
if you stay.

© 2019 DJ Lekich

Afternoon, Deej:

What a nice surprise on a semi-rainy Sunday afternoon. Thought I'd rummage through the "boards" and discovered you'd tacked-up a new one. Wow! I was not disappointed. Sad but "hopeful" lyric and a melody to "die for!" Thanks for sharing this one with us. Sorry you will be "out-of-pocket" for a week... but we work because we have to... and that makes retirement such a great reward for me.

I have no "nits"... but don't think I don't believe it can be improved. You should also know it could be submitted for consideration to somebody with a fan-base capable of taking it right to the top of the "charts." I can absolutely "feel" the potential of this song. Congratulations and thanks again. Safe journey.

Best, ----Dave

DeeJ

Really really pretty.

The melody is familiar sounding, but beautifully employed.
And the writing is so personal and sincere.

"just a quiet word beneath a weary sigh,"

"how we wore each others skins so comfortably,"...I wish I'd written that. ;(

The lyrics combined with the music and falsettos... your song completely put me in the room with the singer and whoever was being sung too.

Sweet job.

Marty

Well written.
Nice melody. I let it play in a loop...
Good structure.
I like the way you manage the bridge, melodically speaking.

Overall: very good.


Have fun!

o`my Deej just stopped in for a sec and thought i`d listen to a song, all around solid song. to me this is written so well,
has everything I`d want to say in this. the music fits, not over or under cooked, and your voice fits so well in this song too,
a little pleading in it, but thats not over done either...I just have all thumbs up for this piece.. Lane

Hi DeeJ,


WOW....I can't believe you're THAT good, hats off to you !


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Deej,

So nice how you easily slip in and out of a falsetto. Usually I have to composite those..

I like your choice for a gentle vocal reading, you sound sincere but not cloying, necessary for this song to work. And you peak around 3:15 with cracks in your voice that are very effective at adding pathos without adding volume. Nicely done.

You mixed your voice rather prudently. I could imagine it being a tad louder or compressed more, or gain ridden more. But it's fine where you have it sitting, and it's rather a naked sound with not much reverb on it, which also subconsciously adds to the honesty/sincere factor in a song like this.

Very pretty; listened a bunch of times and will more.

Mike

Dave,

Thanks so much for the kind comments . . . now, if you know someone with a fan-base capable of taking this one to the charts, please feel free to send this amateur demo his or her way. I'd be pleased as punch to see someone give it the first rate treatment. Appreciate the support.

My best to you, sir,

Deej

Martin,

Thanks so much for the listen. I know you typically don't hesitate to call me out when my offerings are lacking (and I hope you know how much I appreciate you keeping me honest and holding me to a standard) . . . So this type of feedback from you is just really, really cool. Consider my day made!

My kindest regards,

Deej

Guy,

Thanks you for stopping in and taking the time to comment. I'm glad you enjoyed the listen.

All the best,

Deej

Lane,

Where you been? So good to see you here . . . thanks for the listen and I'm pleased this song worked for you. Your turn now . . . what you got to share? A song, a poem . . .? Bring it on . . . we've got to get this board back up and running again.

Hope all is well with you,

Deej

Calvin,

That's praise far beyond worth . . . but I truly appreciate your kind words--glad it was worth the listen. When is the next Calvin song due?

My best to you,

Deej

Mike,

You are too kind as always. And you give me too much credit on the vocal. I could pretend it's a single, "live" take but I recorded a few lead vocal tracks and then "copied and pasted" a few areas where I felt I carried off the falsetto a bit better. Singing falsetto is challenging for me, though I'm trying to get better at it. For me, in particular perhaps, my "regular" voice is strong and loud, my falsetto a bit more weak and inconsistent . . . so reconciling the two in a single recording is not easy. Anyway, I hope the final recording worked well enough for the ears other than mine, that may not hear all the flaws I hear.

As an aside, that crack in my voice that you reference wasn't intentional . . . but when I played it back I decided to keep it for the very reasons you note. Sometimes, things just happen. :-)

Thanks for chiming in here, Mike. My best regards to you.

Deej

all has been ok, been taking care of some family stuff. I`ll post something on the boards I think I can drag something out of
past. and I`ll comment. listened to this song again...really like this work. hope all is good with you. Lane

Lane,

Glad all is OK with you. I saw you posted a few things, which I've already glimpsed and am heading that way to comment. Thanks for checking in and the kind support.

All the best,

Deej

Deej,

Let's just say this is a very strong write..........Your production/performance all very good, but what really stands out to me is that the song/melody is top shelf. When an accomplished songwriter looks back at their work over decades there are usually about 5-10% of their songs that have real staying power. This song will be one of yours! (copy and pasting choruses is pretty standard in the real world when choruses are hooks) -- and it should be done if it makes the performance better or when you're looking for consistency--every song's different however with that respect. Sometimes the last chorus needs a different vocal inflection to culminate more ending drama. You've nailed it.

Beautiful song!

steady-eddie

That VI imagery is strong. The key, the ring, the car. Decisions have been made and their stories, much lengthier in reality, have been simply told.

I usually recommend cutting 'and' and 'but' and 'cause' from Lyrics. Sometimes it unclutters a Line, making it easier to sing.

IF YOU STAY

(VI) I hear you whisper in the dying light,
just a quiet word beneath a weary sigh, (Could you delete 'just' and still say the same thing?)
and the car outside, idling in the snow. ('the' car, or 'your' car? I say let her 'own' it.)
I see the key to my apartment door
on the countertop next to the ring you wore,
and they’re telling me you really mean to go. (Here's an 'and' you might delete.)

(C) But If You Stay one more night (Deleting 'But' enables you to say your title unaltered.)
we can make this all right,
If we try we just might
make this last forever!
If we make one last stand
it can be just like we planned!
You don’t have to walk away!
We can make this all OK!
If You Stay.

(VII) Don’t you remember how we used to be, (? here, next line full sentence without 'how')
how we wore each other's skins so comfortably? (Delete 'how'? Used in Line 1, again Line 5.)
We were more than two could ever be alone.
So tell me why it’s different now,
how what we had we lost somehow.
You say it’s gone.
Maybe it’s gone.

(C) If You Stay one more night
we can make this all right!
If we try we just might
make this last forever!
If we make one last stand
it can be just like we planned!
You don’t have to walk away!
We can make this all OK
If You Stay. (Since THE Hook is a short Line, could repeating it strengthen it?)
If You Stay.

(B) Don’t it feel like our two hearts belong together,
that if we fight for what we love
we can get back to how it was.

(C) If You Stay one more night
we can make this all right!
If we try we just might
make this last forever!
If we make one last stand
it can be just like we planned!
You don’t have to walk away!
We can make this all OK!
If You Stay.
If You Stay.
If You Stay.
© 2019 DJ Lekich

Final scene. The key, the ring, the car is gone.

Eddie:

Thanks for the kind words—they are very appreciated. In retrospect, I probably would have wanted to sing that penultimate line of the last chorus (“We can make in all OK”) a little differently than the other two, going higher with a slight variation, for a bit more emphasis and differentiation, but not sure it would really make much of a difference. Glad you enjoyed the listen!

My best to you,

Deej

Gary,

Thanks for the listen and suggestions. Like you, I generally try to pare back on excess words, though here, the extra syllable worked better for me singing it, helping the rhythm and flow of the lyric with the melody. So the “just” and “how” in the second lines of the verses work better for me, but I totally understand where you are coming from.

For similar reasons, I sing the “but” the first two choruses, because I think it’s additive there as an appropriate transition (from “you really mean to go . . . BUT if you stay” and “Maybe it’s gone . . . BUT if you stay”). I don’t sing it in the last verse (I think), even though I never deleted it from the lyric) because lyrically it doesn’t make sense there.

Of course, artistic preferences will differ . . . and that’s all good. But for better or worse, that’s why I made the choices I did. Hope the explanation helps.

Again, really appreciate your taking the time to give thoughtful as well as supportive feedback—that’s what the board’s about (for me, at least).

Kind regards,

Deej

""just a quiet word beneath a weary sigh, (Could you delete 'just' and still say the same thing?)""

In my opinion...no.
"just" conveys "nothing more than"...a quiet word beneath a weary sigh.
"Just" also conveys the quiet desperation of the singer.

Personally, I love the line and wouldn't touch it.

Martin

This is a beauty Dave!
The chorus is the key and i can well imagine a band like Take That singing this.it's very much in the Gary Barlow groove.
Perhaps your best my friend.
Sorry I was late getting around to it.
Regards
John

Travis: Thanks for the listen. I am perhaps showing my musical ignorance, but I’m not familiar with Take That or Gary Barlow. . . I’ll have YouTube and check both out. And no apologies necessary . . . good to see you back on the board!

Martin: Yes, the "just" does exactly that . . . I'm not sure how intentional it was in the writing, but I wouldn't want to delete it.

Hope all is well with both of you!

Deej

This is exceptional. Very well done. Don't listen to the "experts" - don't change a single line.


Regards,


Bob

Wonderful track Deej! Really good.

I like the falsetto's, gives it its own style, but my favorite part is the way you sing "You don’t have to walk away!" that little variation works wonders.

Bob and Owen,

Thanks a ton to both of you! Glad it worked and was worth the listen, and I really appreciate your taking the time to comment.

My best to both of you,

Deej