JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Her pillow's Orig& New versions Mike Zaneski prod

A further version of the song. Sung / produced by Mike
Composed by me.
The first version is at the top the second/ new version under l.
Please have a listen

Her pillow's not big enough for all her dreams
© john Vaughan



https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13691898

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13856447

Chorus
She lies fast asleep, drifting to some distant land
where sugar coated trees and chocolate fountains stand
And bet she runs through summer meadows and streams
her pillow's not big enough for all her dreams.

Verse
Piggy back rides, candy bars, cuts on her knees
hugs from her mom a play house in the trees
Falling out with her best friend, making up again
tantrums when she couldn't play out in the rain

Verse
Nursery to college in the blinking of an eye
times in between heartaches. laughter and sighs
toothache, measles, those school grade tests
all that homework done,go give it your best

Chorus
She lies fast asleep, drifting to some distant land
where sugar coated trees and chocolate fountains stand
There she goes running through the meadows and streams
her pillow's not big enough for all her dreams

Verse
When her prince finally comes sweeps her off her feet
no white charger but her life might be complete
Time to spread those wings she's outgrown the nest
we'll miss her lots around the home,but not the mess!

Bridge
Yes we'll miss our little miss non the less

Chorus 2
When she lay fast asleep, drifting to some distant land
where sugar coated trees and chocolate fountains stand
There she goes running through the meadows and streams
her pillow's not big enough for all her dreams.

I liked it - of course I have two daughters. Improvements IMO could be going to an AABABCB structure. You have a musical bridge already - and that's what I think should be your C bridge. What you're calling a bridge would work well as a tag at the end.

Summeoyo

pretty song...

Thanks Summeoyo
Your suggestions and listen are much appreciated
Travis

Cheers Neil
John

Do kids actually run through meadows and streams anymore unless it's through their video games?

I presume you are aiming for an ad on TV or something similar so it may just work for that and good luck with it.

I can't remember the last version but I think I commented that it was too sugary for me.
This is too, but then it's not for me is it? I'm a miserable sod sometimes. :-)

Vic

Nothing wrong with being a moaning old git join the ever expanded club( and waist)
Basically dad is thinking she's doing this if course she might not.
Aardvark accepted the original but requested a further version.
Cheers Vic
John

Interesting song, Travis. Well performed and sounds good...even on laptop speakers. I assume Aardvark is a Licensing Outfit and they are seeking material for TV commercials, etc.? As always, Zaneski shines.

Good luck with it, ----Dave

Travis and Mike,

Very nicely done—a nice write, with a typical impressive production by Mike. Really easy on the ears. If I have one suggestion it would be for Mike to sing this maybe a half-step up, or even full step. Or, at least, I’d be interested hearing it sung a bit higher. In spots, it feels to me that Mike is near the bottom of his range. A subjective perspective, likely with little merit. But there it is for what little it may be worth.

My very best to both of you,

Deej

I'm sure this can be done Deej. Glad you liked it anyhow
Chèrs
John

Hi Dave
Aardvark is the publishing house i've signed a contract with. They've also added a couple of collabs each with Deej and Vic.
Thanks for the listen and thumbs up.
Cheers
John

Thanks, Travis. Just want to make clear that, for me, the song is good just as is--don't want to make any unnecessary work for anyone. It's more my curiosity as to how it might sound sung a tad higher. It may help, but then again I might hear it higher and then nonetheless prefer this version, LOL! So again, simply a thought to ponder, but no need to do more than that!

Regards,

Deej

Hey guys..

Deej.. you may be right..I re-used the same vocals from the original, and my thinking was that I wanted gentle vocals, cuz in my mind, the dad is momentarily watching his daughter sleeping and doesn't want to wake her, when all these thoughts occur to the dad--the things that Vic thinks kids don't think anymore LOL --when Vic said that I laughed even though I realized he was probably right..but a young enough girl would, I think.

John (Travis) knows I am amenable to another vocal; since I was in the neighborhood and saw your new post, thought I'd talk a bit, thanks..

BTW, Deej, congrats on your progress in recording art. You are a natural born singer with a remarkable gift. It's a pleasure listening to your work.

Sincerly all,

Mike

The point i think is not so much what the little girl IS dreaming it's more what the dad IS thinking . So if it's looked at from dads perpective it give it a slightly different view.
Or have i got this wrong?
Yes i agree the vocal would work taking Mike's vocal a notch higher as Deej initially pointed out after many listens but in all honesty i do like it..
Thanks folks
John

I've posted the original version at the top the new version under it

No, that's right, John..Vic's humor was all I meant..as I said, I sang gently and from the POV of the dad thoughts..Vic just cracks me up, sometimes..thanks, I'm glad you like the vocal..

Mike

Is everybody happy now? lol
Cheers Mike and thanks again for your work and advice a long the way
John

I always enjoy it when you guys get together. I have to admit that this isn't my favorite of your collaborations. It's the sugar coated trees and chocolate fountains. Think back to your own childhood. No kid dreams of those things. And I don't buy the dad projecting those things onto her either. I say that as the father of two daughters whom I often watched sleeping.

You probably shouldn't pay any attention to me. I might have to see if Vic has any vacancies in the MIserable Sod Club.

LOL..

You guys!!!

Nursery to college..

So presumably, the girl is not even in nursery school yet..so..she's probably 3 or 4..while the dad is projecting thoughts.

Are there no archetypal dreams anymore? Dreams are not reality. So you tell me what a three year old girl would dream about.

And I'm saying all this with a big smile on my face, cuz we are all just forgetting that there were TWO count 'em TWO hit movies with the initials WWATCF..one of which was not too long ago..and it will probably come back a third time, because it captures the magic of that age, and it plays on those archetypes where the real world is more a distant place and chocolate factories can exist..

So tell me, if a 3 year old girl watches WWATCF, then goes to sleep, what is she likely to dream about? Internet chats?

You miserable old sods, you..

Note the emoticon..I am smiling as I write..I love you guys..

Mike

If anyone feels differently about Mike's eloquent summing up, they obviously disagree

Liked it. It caused me to recall "Gentle on my mind."


Marty

It's definitely for older folks, who remember simpler times.

I think the chorus is great, and the pan flute/flute.. hook is fantastic, as is the pillow lyric hook.

Only weaker spot for me is that the verses are kind of just hanging around from the chorus and arent different enough, not much of a bridge.

Could be made better i think, but you have a great base here, nice harmonies too

Thanks Gavin. It might not appeal to everyone i knew that when i wrote it. Incidently we have two boys..
Thanks for your comments and listen. And sorry i didn't nail your accent
Regards
John

Hello Marty
Gentle on my mind John Hartfords classic now that is a great song.
When i was in Nashville a couple of weeks ago, there was a talk on Hartford at either the Country Hall of Fame or Musicians. Can't remember which now.
Regards
John

Fdemetrio
Thanks for the listen and comments. It's another with mixed reviews.
I undestand it to be sugary ( in more ways the one).
I was hoping a publisher might get a brief for a song like this, it has been accepted by Aardvark here in the UK)
I only wrote a brief bridge as i thought more or less everything i needed to say was in the v and c.
You didn't like it all but it's good you enjoyed some of it
which is good..
There's always room for improvement lyrically especially.
Cheers
John

Hello Guys,


A nice pleasant tune, done well.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Cheers Calvin
John

Hey Travis and Mike,

What a great listen. Solid write, and the production just sings in the ears.

Wouldn't change a thing.

cheers, niteshift

Hi Niteshift.
Thanks for your thumbs up. I appreciate your comments
Travis

Whats Aardvark?

It's a publishing and synchronisation house I've signed a contract with here in the UK. As well as accepting my songs they have accepted 2 collaborations with Vic and Dave Lekich( Deej)

I see so its a "track" based music holding site. If the goal is to have tracks used in certain environments then no point in critiquing the song.

Good luck with getting placements, it seems "tracks" have become standalone entities in placements these days.

It's always good to get feedback , the comments and suggestions on the two versions prove that even though songs are taken up. Some are far from perfect.
I'm quite happy doing another version of this with revised lyric. Though the question remains is it worth it at my level ( bottom) financially ?
I'm not sure.. Not made a penny yet lol

A place like that is selecting songs so long as they sound good enough. They arent going to go through the lyric to see if the lyric has any inconsistencies, or if the bridge is there or if the verses are good enough, and thats how people listen to music, they dont over analyze everything like songwriters do.

if the song is to be proposed for a certain artist for HIM to record, then it becomes more important.

No, its not worth it to re record it, but it would be worth it to edit yourself BEFORE you record it the first time.

That is probably true regarding sync.
Editing before you record it is of course a natural progression. As you know many versions of a lyric are written before you think it's right and you go with what you feel ultimately
it's subjective , the song thankfully faired well on here.
In this case or with every song Mike does for me i consult him along the way.
We both had the same thoughts on this one basically it was ready to record and the story , from a father's view worked.
The song was played 4 times by BBC radio and a couple of other stations before being accepted for publishing.
But as you stated it becomes more important when(if) someone else wants to record it.
Then it's a mad rush for rewrites

"it's subjective , the song thankfully faired well on here."

Everything's subjective, but we still all realize that there is a difference between say a punk rock composition, and something Paul Simon would write. We can like or dislike both, but we still know what songwriter has more craft in his songs. I can listen to just to listen, but why do you need me then? Anybody can listen

As far as fairing well, is there any song posted here that DOESN'T fare well?

The last paragraph may not be true,i've posted some real dogs over the years and accepted the criticism accordingly lol

But did anybody say "this is a dog" no, they probably said, great,. loved it!

I guess when you get to know members you adopt a more subtle approach.
Ie i think it needs a little more work.
I dislike slagging off people on here or anywhere others revel in it some even write songs about it.
I

Yes, i agree. 100%. Friendships kill songwriting forums. They are good for networking and making new friends, but they are terrible for getting honest critiques.

The main implication is, if you say mine is bad, well, im gonna go get yours now. Which really means, that neither thought the song was very good to begin with. They just like giving out pats on the back. I recall a guy, well two guys really on another site. They were friends who had met up in person, and they basically had something negative to say about everyone else, but when it came to one of them they were all praise.

its the kind of BS that drives me up a frikon wall. Im all about getting better, most people are not.

I used to like Tampa Stan Good.His comments and suggestions were always welcome,encouraging and moreover valid.
God knows what he'd think now about the boards.
I understand what you're saying and it did get to a stage that there was only two daily posters on one forum. One of them myself the other Jim Colyer and it was like a fecking mutual admiration society lol.
Oh well dinner calls
Cheers
John

Travis and Fdemetrio,

An interesting conversation on the subjectivity of music and the quality of feedback on JPF . . . I penned a response on that subject, but I think were this my own song thread, I'd rather the comments focus on that, rather than a broader conceptual debate. So, in that spirt, I'll say this:

I continue to think that this is a pretty tune . . . and that, more generally, sometimes we as songwriters and musicians tend to overhear and overanalyze.

My best to you both,

Deej

Thanks for your comments and ears Dave
John

Just stopped in to have a listen to this John, somehow I missed this post.

I agree generally with some of the above thoughts.

I like the first version best as I felt the music fit the song's spirit better. Yes perhaps the verses chorus could benefit with something in the arrangement to better distinguish their identities, maybe a short interlude with paused transition? Yes, maybe a 1/2 step higher key would benefit Mike's vocal "sweet spot IMO, but I know I enjoy singing songs with different ranges and style at times. Singers all have their sweet spots, but I have noticed with some famous performing artists that if every song sounds vocally very similar--it starts to become too predictable--altering vocal style or singing in a lower key can be a good thing for a singer's versatility. Paul McCartney was great at using about three different vocals depending on the vibe of the song--he could singer tender like in Yesterday, scream great on key, or use a lower heavy voice like in Lady Madonna. So maybe we're just hearing a different side of Michael that seems to us more unpredictable?--a good thing too!

I liked the short bridge with this uptempo song, and absolutely loved the lyrics with this 1st music arrangement. I'm not well acquainted with this music genre, so my thoughts are probably more subjective than objective.
I do think this song has an almost magical fantasy feel which both kids and old folks will love. Your Irish vibe has been working well for you John--well done guys!

Good luck with Aardvark.

steady-eddie

Hi Eddie
I appreciate your suggestions and further comments. Nothing is set in stone and it's certainly worth making changes to improve where needed.
Mike always leaves this door open if i feel changes could be made which is why his services are in much demand
Cheers Ed
John