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#1151462 - 03/09/19 03:05 PM Goodbye Mr. Sun  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 83
ckiphen Offline
Serious Contributor
ckiphen  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 83
- Select One - houston, texas...
Goodbye Mr. Sun
Verse
I knew the ending of this story
Long before it came.
There were dark clouds on the horizon.
Knew that it would rain.
Pre chorus
I could sense the tension.
I felt her discontent.
Life became a series
Of endless arguments.
Chorus
Heard the thunder saw the lighting
Knew the rain would come.
Stormy weather, stormy weather
Goodbye Mr. Sun.
Verse
I sensed the changes in our marriage
But ignored the signs.
I should have seen she was unhappy
Thought she just needs time.
Pre chorus
I could sense the tension.
I felt her discontent.
Life became a series
Of endless arguments.
Chorus
Heard the thunder saw the lighting
Knew the rain would come.
Stormy weather, stormy weather
Goodbye Mr. Sun.
Bridge
Could hear the rumble of discontent
Thought the storm would pass me by.
When the rain came I was unprepared
How I longed for sunny skies.
Pre chorus
I could sense the tension.
I felt her discontent.
Life became a series
Of endless arguments.
Chorus
Heard the thunder saw the lighting
Knew the rain would come.
Stormy weather, stormy weather
Goodbye Mr. Sun.
Tag
Goodbye Mr. Sun.

Last edited by ckiphen; 03/09/19 03:11 PM. Reason: changed word
#1151480 - 03/10/19 12:24 PM Re: Goodbye Mr. Sun [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 990
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 990
ckiphen,

I think the first half of this tune is very strong--good idea executed well. I always like when the lyric has its own rhythm, such that I can almost hear the song as I read the lyrics. And that's how the first half struck me.

The second half isn't quite as tight, particularly starting with the first line of the second verse, "I sensed the changes in our marriage"--it's a subjective thing, but it struck me as an awkward line, or at least not an interesting one, and not much different in theme from the first verse. And maybe tweak the last two lines to say the singer knew she was unhappy BUT thought she just needed some time? And perhaps drop "discontent" from the bridge as it's a bit repetitive with the chorus. All just suggestions to use or lose.

This has a lot of potential--so keep working it. Great start!

All the best,

Deej

#1151633 - 03/16/19 10:37 AM Re: Goodbye Mr. Sun [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 83
ckiphen Offline
Serious Contributor
ckiphen  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 83
- Select One - houston, texas...
Thanks for the feedback.

#1151824 - 03/24/19 06:18 PM Re: Goodbye Mr. Sun [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 576
Moosesong Offline
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Moosesong  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 576
Roseville, CA, USA
Like Deej56, I also like the way the lyrics have a pace to them that makes it easy to imagine a tune sung to it. I like the title "Goodbye Mr Sun". and I think it is well placed by being in the chorus and the ending.

I did also notice the use of discontent in both places is a bit awkward. I do like the word discontent, it sort of implies that without some change the relationship will have a 2 to 8 month shelf life.


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