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#1149969 - 01/11/19 04:25 PM I fell and Broke my Heart  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 150
ckiphen Offline
Serious Contributor
ckiphen  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 150
- Select One - houston, texas...
I fell and broke my heart
Verse
She took me to the mountain
And to the clouds above
And at the rainbows end
I thought that I found love.
She made me feel so happy
then took it all away.
Now I am a blind man
trying to find my way.
Chorus
I fell and broke my heart.
I gathered what I could.
I hoped that it would heal
but found it never would.
Iíve tried to love again
But scars are slow to heal.
I need to find a loving hand
to teach me how to feel.
Verse
Youíve taken time to listen.
Youíve shared what youíve been through
And slowly but surely
Iíve seen youíre lonely too.
Iím finding strength in caring.
Youíre helping me to heal.
Day by day Iím learning
How loveís supposed to feel.
Chorus
I fell and broke my heart.
I gathered what I could.
I hoped that it would heal
but found it never would.
Iíve tried to love again
But scars are slow to heal.
I need to find a loving hand
to teach me how to feel.
Verse
You took me to the summit
And to the clouds above
And at the rainbows end
I found that there was love.
Youíve made me truly happy;
helped me fond my way.
Youíve given me much more
than what she took away.
Bridge
You gave without asking;
Turned friendship into love;
Made a broken heart
even stronger than it was.

#1150003 - 01/12/19 09:20 PM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 175
Perry Neal Crawford Offline
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Perry Neal Crawford  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 175
California
I really like the title and the premise that goes with it. It is so country to put a down home spin on ideas. As I read your piece I tried to put a tune with it and sing it in my head. I stumble on the inconsistent syllabolic rhythm of the verse lines to match a tune that works throughout the piece. Seven beats in the first line followed by six in the second set a pattern that is not kept throughout. I was a rhythm guitarist in a country band so my comment comes from that point of view (for chord changes and such). Great story and depiction of the chain of events.

#1150016 - 01/13/19 01:58 PM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 150
ckiphen Offline
Serious Contributor
ckiphen  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 150
- Select One - houston, texas...
Feel free to play around with the lyrics so they flow. I never consider a lyric finished till it's in a song and all parties are satisfied with it.

#1150035 - 01/14/19 05:00 PM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 175
Perry Neal Crawford Offline
Serious Contributor
Perry Neal Crawford  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 175
California
I fell and broke my heart
Verse
She took me to the mountain
And to the clouds above
And sliding down a rainbow
I thought that I found love.
She made me feel so happy
then took it all away.
Now I'm a blind man stumbling
in vein to find my way.
Chorus
I fell and broke my heart.
I gathered what I could.
I hoped that it would heal
but found it never would.
Iíve tried to love again
But scars are slow to heal.
I need a loving hand
to teach me how to feel.
Verse
Youíve taken time to listen.
Youíve shared what youíve been through
And soon my eyes were opened,
Iíve seen youíre lonely too.
Iím finding strength in caring.
Youíre helping me to heal.
My heart is ever learning
How loveís supposed to feel.
Chorus
I fell and broke my heart.
I gathered what I could.
I hoped that it would heal
but thought it never would.
Iíve tried to love again
But scars were slow to heal.
I found your loving hand
that taught me how to feel.
Verse
You took me to the summit
And to the clouds above,
Together down the rainbow
I found that there was love.
Youíve made me truly happy;
helped me find my way.
Youíve given me more treasure
than what she took away.
Bridge
You gave without my asking;
Turned friendship into love;
Made a broken heart mend
even stronger than it was.

I saw your story line taking the listener on your journey from ecstasy to pain, then through healing, and back to ecstasy. I changed phrase of recurring pain beautifully put in the first Chorus "but found it never would" to show the healing happening by the second chorus, "but thought it never would". Some minor word changes for the smoothing of the syllabic rhythm for the rainbow visual, coming down from the clouds together in the end, as opposed to alone (as implied in verse one, which culminated in pain and disillusionment). I did not want to make any changes that would detract from this inspiring story or rob it of your uniqueness.

#1150113 - 01/17/19 01:48 PM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 150
ckiphen Offline
Serious Contributor
ckiphen  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 150
- Select One - houston, texas...
Thanks for the advice Neil.

#1150132 - 01/18/19 12:26 PM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,500
beechnut79 Offline
Top 100 Poster
beechnut79  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,500
Villa Park IL
Reminds me that just yesterday I composed a similar lyric about feeling alone and heartbroken, which is the theme of this piece. Not my real-life mindset at the moment; just decided it was time to do one. But it may be a while before you see it here because I have quite a ways to go to complete the posting of my entire batch of 2018. I have written five new ones in this new year so far, with probably at least two more to go before this month is out.

Might seek out some traditional country artists such as David Ball to try and pitch this to. Good luck.

#1150845 - 02/11/19 11:17 PM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Neil Cotton Offline
Top 50 Poster
Neil Cotton  Offline
Top 50 Poster

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
great work! I really like change from third person to second. told in first person


Last edited by Neil Cotton; 02/11/19 11:20 PM.
#1150872 - 02/13/19 10:02 AM Re: I fell and Broke my Heart [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,356
Dave Rice Online content
Top 30 Poster
Dave Rice  Online Content
Top 30 Poster

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,356
Texas
The title is a hook... but they only get you "through the door"... This one has much more going for it. Sorry, Kiph, I don't spend much time reading other people's lyrics but this one has a ton of potential. Musically... or genre speaking, it could go nicely in several formats.

No suggestions, only observations, my friend. Keep at it until you are satisfied. Wish Barry were here to "take a crack at it." Its a story we've all heard before... but one worth telling. Thanks for sharing and best wishes for getting it "tacked up" on all the charts. Oh, I forgot, they don't have charts anymore... just playlists suggested by Apple or Gargoyle! LOL!


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