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#1146694 - 12/02/18 10:27 AM LOOK AT YOU.  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,211
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,211
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Look at You

V
Those were   bumpy winding roads, you journeyed from.
 I felt your pain, but you reached the end of everyone
With your head in tact from all adversities
 No one was ever more proud of you than me
 
C
Now look at you,
you swam against the tide
 the man i wanted you to be.
 here before my eyes
   Made your  way
  when your hopes were denied
    Look at you, your lifes just begun
     My son you've shone
B
     Cradled you in my arms
      Watched you grow
       Anyone says it's easy 
       When the time comes to let go
V
      You've learned lifes not always, roses 'round the door
  to look beneath the veneer there's usually much more
    But If you find someone who's love is true
    you'll find that happiness i waiting for you

C


Last edited by Travis david; 12/02/18 01:00 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1146698 - 12/02/18 02:12 PM Re: LOOK AT YOU. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,458
beechnut79 Offline
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beechnut79  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,458
Villa Park IL
A parable of one whose son beat the odds in some way. As one who has been cursed by Asperger's Syndrome it could in a way be my life story as well, although I'm still not sure I managed it in the way I had once dreamed. But at least I managed to support myself for the most part and not have the government take care of me my entire life. This is a condition of social awkwardness and probably why it is less understood than a physical disability. Years ago many who for one reason or another "just didn't fit in" with the larger world were housed in places such as sanitariums. For some reason I feel this might be a future growth industry again because there are so many stressed out people. Good luck with this.

#1146701 - 12/02/18 02:35 PM Re: LOOK AT YOU. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 813
9ne Online content
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9ne  Online Content
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 813
N.E. of Toronto
I started a lyric to my son awhile ago, and have come back to it a number of times. It's not as easy as one might think.
A couple of things:
First line-"on" may work better than "from"
When I first read "everyone" I was confused because I thought you were referring to people, but I believe you may mean every road, in which case you might separate every and one. (also, the letters in the word " intact" are used to being together, perhaps you could help. Adversity could refer to the plural?

"the man i wanted you to be." Of course this is your situation, but it implies control to me, and I'd rather see something like ...hoped you could be.
To me a better rhyme than "shone" is needed.
I'm not understanding the bridge: "Anyone says it's easy" in particular, as I would think it isn't easy.
Suggestion:
One look beneath the veneer reveals much more
But when you find someone who's love is true
You'll find that happiness is waiting for you

I hope you do well with this as it's heartfelt!
Best
-Mike

#1146708 - 12/02/18 10:06 PM Re: LOOK AT YOU. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,484
Neil Cotton Online content
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Neil Cotton  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,484
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
You write better than I...good one.

#1146713 - 12/03/18 01:21 PM Re: LOOK AT YOU. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,211
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,211
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks Brian appreciate your comments
Hi Mike
Your suggestions are valid and theres going to be a rewrite cheers
Neil
You're over generous lol
No compettion we're only here to write to stop us going crazy at home with crap TV


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1146714 - 12/03/18 02:06 PM Re: LOOK AT YOU. [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,484
Neil Cotton Online content
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Neil Cotton  Online Content
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,484
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
Originally Posted by Travis david
Thanks Brian appreciate your comments
Hi Mike
Your suggestions are valid and theres going to be a rewrite cheers
Neil
You're over generous lol
No compettion we're only here to write to stop us going crazy at home with crap TV

LOL...Netflix baby, Netflix


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