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If I live through high school© 2018 Owen Hovenden Link to musicShooting down at the school today Not so many as the last time A few more dead and we would have made the news School will be closed for a couple of days While they scrub the walls and redecorate With thoughts and prayers plastered over the bullet holes Chorus: And I'm sorry I got blood on my clothes And my homework is late again Falling behind, I just can't seem to concentrate I swear I'm trying to do my best Stay focused, forget the rest And if I live through high school I just might graduate Can we leave a little bit early today I've gotta go the long way can't cross the tape And I don't wanna be late for the assembly Frankie wont be coming around I 'd like to send flowers but the florist's all out I heard they're carving a stone in his memory Chorus Practiced the drill in class today Some girls screamed but I was ok Skipped a test in History to evacuate I made it to the cupboard and my teacher smiled Extra credit for staying alive History will repeat if you just sit and wait Chorus
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Tough topic ...nicely done....not sure about effects on vocal, makes it less personal for me...see what others say.
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What a great lyric! Really well done. I agree with Neil about the vocals. Also, do you think it might be better if you shifted to a slightly lower key? Easier to sing too I liked the melody, but I wonder if it would be better if you made the structure of the chorus a little bit more different from the verse.
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Both sound comments, I think I agree with both of you on those points. The key change is more awkward due to the voicing & finger pattern I'm using. Thanks!
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Hello Owen, Nice work, if-----you keep after it, I'll be looking forward to seeing the finished product. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvistewart
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Owen:
What a great write and melody on a topic we see or hear about all to often. Gavin's advice is spot-on and would improve sing-ability, IMHO. As it stands, your vocal sounds just a bit strained... but that does not impact the message of the song.
I'm not a gun control advocate but I hope we (worldwide) can find a sensible way to resolve the problem. It's the fault of dementia and a system that makes selling weapons much too easy. (That still won't resolve the theft problem.) The wait time for acquiring automatic weapons should be increased significantly and the investigation should be much deeper before such a sale can take place. I also believe the tax needed for such a resource and manpower drain needed for this type investigation should be collectively paid-for by those who believe they need automatic weapons.
Thanks for writing such a great song... with such a believable and insightful story line.
----Dave
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Thank you both gentlemen.
@Dave, I dont know where the answer lies, I can only hope that people keep looking for one. What stirred me to write this is there are now individuals who have lived through multiple mass shootings, and there seems no likelihood of them diminishing anytime soon.
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I mostly try not to be too direct on these comments. I'm not meaning to offend.
I get the song. It's dark but relevant. And I think that it could be delivered in such a way as to create interest. But the vocal is so lacking, that the song does not deliver because the vocal is such a distraction from anything else...imo.
If you're going to sing your own stuff, try to relax, try to sing from deeper and spend some time learning how to execute a vocal. I don't pretend to be great. I'm not. But over the years, I've spent time improving my vocal delivery to the point where it conveys a song without poor quality being a distraction or a reason that someone immediately went on to the next song.
Martin
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Thank you Owen for sharing this. Many of us on this site are from a time when every boy (and many girls) had a rifle, a shotgun, and a hand gun by age twelve. We all carried pocket knives to school. I went to high school in the mid-west where we all hunted and fished, and were always armed during our outings. Gun safety was taught in Middle School, and in High School we had a Game Ranger teaching us how to shoot game and fowl. No one ever brought a gun to a school and knives were never pulled out in fights, even during post ball game fights. We had bullies and they were dealt with by faculty and the principal with corporal punishment (paddles made in wood shop by every freshman class for use through graduation), parent-teacher conferences, and police intervention. It was not tolerated and was nipped in the bud early on. Todays laws prevent the discipline we were accustomed to and could count on for misdeeds and bad attitudes.
I am not saying that the end of corporal punishment is the problem, but it is an example of how our culture has changed. Mental health challenges have always been an issue and continues to be, minus the boundaries once enforced and taught. "Teach correct principles and our youth can govern themselves" is an adage being eroded in our society today. Boundaries once respected and revered as Holy are now just holey.
Owen, your music supporting your powerful lyric is you showing your age. Give this poem to a young artist singing to their own generation and it will bring put the hammer directly on the nail.
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@Martin. No offense taken. I have no illusions about the quality of my vocals I sing them myself for lack of viable alternatives. If I don't sing them myself I can't post anything. Thanks for the honest feedback. @Perry The lyric is definitely stronger than the music. Interesting idea to give it someone younger and see what happens.
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And so it continues Owen. Strong theme well thought through. I'd like to think here in the UK we were innocent of these awful crimes but it just is'nt true Regards Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Owen, These are killer lyrics, and I love the opening musically. Listen, everything’s subjective. I respect Martin’s opinions on just about everything, but the vocal here works just fine for me. I think it’s a nice job—kinda 80’s Cure or that type of thing. The song, IMHO, needs that kind of non-traditional vocal. I’m very late commenting on this song—I think I listened to it first just a bit after you first posted it (sorry, I’m always behind on my posts). My thought then was that the chorus just wasn’t differentiated enough—which struck me as a missed opportunity, because the lyrics are just freakin’ killer. Just need to think how to change that chorus melodically just a bit to ratchet up the emotion. Notice that Gavin made a similar comment. And I find based on experience, Gavin has some pretty good instincts. This is a terrific write, Owen. Kinda makes me jealous. All the best to you, sir. Deej
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Thank you Travis and Deej. I'll keep working on this one. This is a terrific write, Owen. Kinda makes me jealous. High praise indeed!
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Hey Owen, where'd you go? Hope you're well. Stop in and say hi!
Brian Austin Whitney Founder Just Plain Folks jpfolkspro@gmail.com Skype: Brian Austin Whitney Facebook: www.facebook.com/justplainfolks"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney "It's easier to be the bigger man when you actually are..." -Brian Austin Whitney "Sometimes all you have to do to inspire humans to greatness is to give them a reason and opportunity to do something great." -Brian Austin Whitney
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I think the structure of the lyric is preventing a more memorable melody.
The third line of each verse, is your most important lines, some good lines there, but you sing it as if it should just pass by unoticed.
if you wanted to start the song with the melody of the first two lines, that's pretty good, but your third line needs a different direction and a bit more snap to bring home those points, Then the melody weakens for the second half of verse
And in the chorus, the lyric structure is set up to sound just like the verses do. Again two good starting lines, and losing us on the third line
I think you have some good pieces in here, just need to fine tune the melody so it sounds distinct and not improvised. it kinda sounds like your making the melody up as you go along.
This could be really good, i like the mood created, kinda pink floydish
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 03/19/19 02:54 PM.
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Thanks for the thoughtful reply Fdemetrio.
"...you sing it as if it should just pass by unoticed". Yes, that's part of what I was trying for here. To make something horrifying sound matter of fact, because that is the situation in those schools at the moment. It's surreal and ironic that children in fear of their lives are expected to sit quietly and study, and I wanted the song to reflect that. It hasn't worked for you, and no doubt others feel the same, but I don't want to change that aspect of it.
"it kinda sounds like your making the melody up as you go along.". Ha! Yes, well that's just poor singing I'm afraid. I'm likely all over the place in pitch, but there is meant to be a defined melody there!!
"This could be really good, i like the mood created, kinda pink floydish" . Thanks for that.
Again, I do appreciate you taking the time to reflect on the song and give suggestions.
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Thanks for the thoughtful reply Fdemetrio.
"...you sing it as if it should just pass by unoticed". Yes, that's part of what I was trying for here. To make something horrifying sound matter of fact, because that is the situation in those schools at the moment. It's surreal and ironic that children in fear of their lives are expected to sit quietly and study, and I wanted the song to reflect that. It hasn't worked for you, and no doubt others feel the same, but I don't want to change that aspect of it.
"it kinda sounds like your making the melody up as you go along.". Ha! Yes, well that's just poor singing I'm afraid. I'm likely all over the place in pitch, but there is meant to be a defined melody there!!
"This could be really good, i like the mood created, kinda pink floydish" . Thanks for that.
Again, I do appreciate you taking the time to reflect on the song and give suggestions.
I actually got what you were doing, but you still need melody. you can run through a melody and still be in keye and having something the listener can follow. In your arrangement you could use sparse instrumentation if recorded.. Its not that it "didnt work for me" Just giving some insights on how it could possibly be better Its hard to write a song like this because nobody wants to hear sarcasm for such a tragedy. Best of luck with it
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 03/22/19 10:53 AM.
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Hi Rainy day man. Just a few of my thoughts to take or leave.
I think the musical arrangement is nicely subdued and doesn't detract from the lyric. What may give it a little more emotion is a change to the chorus for the last three lines. E.G: (I presume you are in key of D) Treat the first three as pre chorus and then change to an A G D chords for the next line with a slightly heavier treatment, etc. then let the last line hang on a G chord.
Just an idea. Meaningful song.
Vic
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Cheers Vic, I'll give that a whirl.
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Owen,
First off, good to see you back on the board! Hope all is well with you.
I’ve listened to this a few weeks back and then again with the recent activity on the thread. I’m going to back off my initial comment just a tad. As it stands, I think that chorus stands apart enough . . . and in fact, doing too much more with it might be a worse way to go. Maybe just look to add a little extra layer of instrumentation underneath? Not sure anymore. Just know the more I listen, the more I like it as is.
Lyrically, I continue to think it’s brilliant and I like the performance here as well.
Looking forward to hearing more.
My best to you as always,
Deej
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"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
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