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#1145943 - 11/05/18 08:30 PM Show Me  
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Deej56 Offline
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Hi, all:

Here's a second collaboration with Travis David. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated. Hope you enjoy the listen!

Show Me

(V) You should have seen it from the sadness on my face:
the yesterdays and tomorrows you erased,
as if the years didnít mean that much to you,
and if itís so I guess thereís nothing I can do

(C) But Iím still needing you to
show me just a little emotion.
Tell me what you said just isnít true.
Hold me like you just canít live without me.
What in the world is wrong with you?

(V) Now all thatís left is this bag of memories;
the shades of what I thought our love was meant to be;
and all the doubts that keep me thinking weíre not through.
So here am I reaching out my arms to you
(Iím reaching out to you)

(C) Iím just wanting you to
show me just a little emotion.
Tell me what you said just isnít true.
Hold me like you just canít live without me.
What in the world is wrong with you?
What in the world can I do?

(B) Weíve been here once before,
and I donít wanna be here anymore;
Thereís no good reason to go back again
I know I shouldnít try and let it dieó
but it wouldnít change a thing.

(C) íCause Iím still needing you to
show me just a little emotion.
Tell me what you said just isnít true.
Hold me like you just canít live without me.
What in the world is wrong with you?
What in the world can I do
to save myself from you.
(Show me you)
(Show me you)
(Show me you)

Words and music by John Vaughn and DJ Lekich
(c)2018 John Vaughn and DJ Lekich

#1145946 - 11/06/18 12:04 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Travis david Online content
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A lyric i wrote some time ago. I was pleasantly surprised by Dave's take on it musically and vocally.
it got a radio broadcast a few weeks ago
Cheers
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145947 - 11/06/18 04:04 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi guys,

I like it.
You got a real nice song here.
Cool performance.
I really enjoyed this part.......

Hold me like you just canít live without me.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1145949 - 11/06/18 05:51 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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I did enjoy it smile

The first verse felt a little crowded syllable-wise. I can see it's meant to come out a bit rapid fire to match the music, but have you tried trimming it back along the lines of:
You should have seen it from the sadness on my face:
yesterdays and tomorrows you erased,
the years didnít mean that much to you,
so I guess thereís nothing I can do

Strangely I didn't have that reaction to v2, which has even more syllables! So make what you can of that feedback!!
And of course the chorus is very different.

Regardless, it's a strong song, and like I said I did enjoy it smile

#1145950 - 11/06/18 06:19 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Calvin
Thanks again for your support and liking our song
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145953 - 11/06/18 08:46 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Dave Rice Online content
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Thanks for sharing. It is a sad story and most of us have experienced the emotions of an impending "break-up." It is a good collaboration and I hope you two will re-visit it at some point in the future. My thinking involves slowing the tempo and I know that adds to the length of the song, which probably requires shortening or tossing a few of the lines here and there.

At it's present tempo, the emotion is less impactful... to my way of thinking.

Despite this... it is a good song... but I think it could be great. Forgive me if I hold the two of you to a higher standard. My thinking is that if I only say good things to "old pros" like you guys, you might not explore the possibilities and opportunities this thing has.

All the best to both of you. Enjoyed my listen. ----Dave

#1145962 - 11/06/18 12:05 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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RDM
It is wordy but i think it worked well . Rapid fire lyric i like i'm pleased you liked it overall though which is what we like to hear.
Thanks for the comments and listen always appreciated
Travis

Last edited by Travis david; 11/06/18 12:05 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145964 - 11/06/18 12:38 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Vicarn Online content
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When I saw the title, I thought you had done a version of my song "Show Me". Lollylol!

I feel it has a reasonable lyric and melody in verse and chorus but I have to agree that the tempo and wordiness is killing the emotion of the vocal and impact of the song in general.
Taking it down, even 10% may improve. Not feeling the bridge so maybe that could be trimmed or cut.

Worth re visiting.
Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

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#1145967 - 11/06/18 02:03 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Dave
Interesting point and yes i'd like to hear an alternative take if Dave is up for it. Although i do like what he did on this
Thanks as always my friend
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145977 - 11/07/18 11:36 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Neil Cotton Online content
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a good song...unique

maybe thin out the herd lyrically and slow it down....or not! LOL

#1145983 - 11/08/18 12:28 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Worth considering Vic..
I'm sure it can be done and a second suggestion for this so it's worth a further look lyrically as well
Cheers
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145984 - 11/08/18 12:38 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks for your listen and comments Neil much appreciated and a similar to Vic's- or not lol


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145986 - 11/08/18 08:40 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Travis david]  
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Neil Cotton Online content
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Originally Posted by Travis david
Thanks for your listen and comments Neil much appreciated and a similar to Vic's- or not lol

LOL...I try not to read other comments before posting...now I see the commonality

#1145991 - 11/08/18 01:24 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Geat minds think alike?


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1146022 - 11/10/18 09:50 AM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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This has a really cool sound, Deej and Travis. I'm not sure what you were going for musically but it felt very retro to me, like 60s/70s retro, not a bad thing at all. And the tempo felt good to me.

Lyrically, I'm getting mixed messages. He sounds resigned at the relationship being over in V1 but still wants her to say it isn't over in the chorus. Then he thinks maybe it's not over in V2. And the bridge is all over the place: they've split up before, he doesn't want to split up again, but then he doesn't want to try to get back together and that leads back into the chorus where he wants her to tell him it isn't over. Then it ends with him wanting to be saved from her. Is it or isn't it? Do they or don't they? Will they or won't they? Pick a side, Dude, I'm getting whiplash! grin Just sayin...

Ricki

#1146034 - 11/10/18 12:04 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi, all:

Some great feedback above and I thank you all for taking the time to give it. Thereís a lot Travis and I will need to continue to think through on this one. Just a few of my thoughts on some of the comments above:

Tempo: The structure and length of the lyrics really drove the tempo for me. It needed to move, or at least when I first started coming up with the melody, thatís what struck me. And to boot, I was looking to do something a bit different. Could we slow it down? Yes, but not, as others have noted, without cuttingóand while it may end up being a better song, it will be an entirely different one than intended. At best, as Vic suggests, we could cut the bpm by 10 or so. Iím not sure how much a difference that would make, but may try it. Personally, and I canít speak for Travis, Iím pretty comfortable with the tempoóthough I understand the comments.

Lyric: And this largely goes to Rickiís comments, which weíve gotten from others when we floated this song elsewhere. Yes, there are mixed messages here; heís conflicted. Itís one of the things that drew me to Travisís original lyric. Iíve known people like thisóa relationship ends, they know itís for the best, and they still want it even though itís the worse thing for them. Some have gotten that, but most not (and that's on me, not Travis). So, I think Iíll suggest reworking it. Itís an easy fix to make this just a ďI want you backĒ song. Although itís somewhat less interesting, to me at least.

Again, thanks to all above for the thoughtful comments. Itís really appreciated.

My best to all of you,

Deej

#1146042 - 11/10/18 02:07 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Ricki
That's love for you all over the place uncertain out of controlplaying with your emotions and that is basically what i had in mind when writing it.
Havingsaid this it'sgreatto get other views and takes
Thanks for the listen and comments
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1146049 - 11/10/18 05:42 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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TC Perkins Offline
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Virginia
Solid write with a great arrangement.

The chorus is outstanding. Additional harmonies in the chorus would make it even better especially on "Show me", "Tell me", "Hold me."

The vocal style is a nice fit for the tune as well.

Nice job, guys!

Peace,
TC


If it has strings I will find a way to play it!

You can hear my tunes at https://soundcloud.com/tc-gypsy
#1146059 - 11/11/18 12:06 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks TC your thumbs up is appreciated
travis

Last edited by Travis david; 11/11/18 12:07 PM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1146060 - 11/11/18 12:06 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks TC your thumbs up is appreciatedtravis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1146671 - 12/01/18 06:23 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Nice one guys. I'm gonna go a bit against the grain here and say the tempo is just right. I've been listening to more contemporary music than I would like to these days (the danger of having a teenager around) and this vocal approach fits in well with what many are doing these days. The melody has a retro feel to me but the delivery sounds contemporary. Just have to find a twenty something to cut it. smile

Scott

#1146673 - 12/01/18 06:34 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Deej56]  
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Martin Lide Online content
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Don't know how I missed this one DJ. It's real nice to listen to.

I think that it would sound even better with some additional instrumentation.

I liked that song that came up next on your soundcloud page too. Liked it a lot.
The lyrical melody is pretty and the lyrics deliver a clear message and stay right on the beat while sounding natural.

All good. smile

Martin

#1146703 - 12/02/18 09:44 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Scott Campbell]  
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Scott,

Thanks for giving this one a spin . . . much appreciated. Glad the tempo worked for someone, at least--so no worries about going against the grain! smile

All the best,

Deej


Last edited by Deej56; 12/02/18 09:44 PM.
#1146704 - 12/02/18 09:50 PM Re: Show Me [Re: Martin Lide]  
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Martin,

Appreciate the listen and glad you liked it. Yes, we've received some comments that maybe some additional layers might augment the tune. Definitely something worth exploring when we get time to revisit it.

The song that came on after was likely "Won't Be Hard to Say Goodbye," and it was the first tune I did using BIAB. It came out OK, though my drummer is a bit too enthusiastic. I've been meaning to go back and dial him down a bit, but like others I keep wanting to revisit, just haven't yet found the time to do so.

Again, thanks for stopping in and for the kind feedback.

Hope all is well in your world,

Deej


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