Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3 |
"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction, one might save you from the other...Vincent
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035 Likes: 2
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035 Likes: 2 |
Lane, I know it's a work tape, but your vocal suited this so well with it's haunting character. I thought this would work very well with a sparse arrangement-like Presley's "Are You Lonesome Tonight" A pet peeve of mine is using the same rhyme word in a verse (away) so I have to deduct points! I also deduct points from myself for dropping a couple of suggestions: Out on the front porch Looking a million miles away.. A little girl so down.. Her mother recent to her grave v2 There is another child That was never offered any help... She was standing on a bridge they said.. When she left herself So many soldiers come home.. From the fight in distant lands. To die forgotten on a corner downtown.. Without a folded flag at hand Lane I hope you put the work in on this because it certainly deserves it. Best -Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1 |
Lane,
I think this all pretty much works. My only suggestion is to consider making the third verse a bit more specific, consistent with the first two: That is, the first two are about a person in a situation ("a little girl" and then "another child"). The third verse has the situation, but it gets diluted by "so many soldiers" as opposed to any one soldier in particular. I think it might be more emotional focusing on the one, and I think you can do it without losing the fact that his story is shared by many like him. Just a thought to use or lose.
Oh, and I agree with 9ne--your selling yourself short on the vocal; it works well with this song. And the overall song (for me at least) has an acoustic Springstein type vibe to it. Nice!
Hope all is well in your world,
Deej
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3 |
o`man I bet i`ve been over that 20 times, and never caught that. you can look at every song I have I never do that....lol I`m a big sticker on that and I have a thing about rhyming to much too.
the write is so simple, and I have the most doubt about it..in the "chorus "have I talked to you today"
[is The hook,a rhetorical question because if your asking the question you must have had a conversation]. I might be getting in this song way to deep...
thank you Mike for taking time to comment, I`ll get that "double cleared up..it will drive me crazy if I don`t. really like the input on the last verse..
Last edited by lane1777; 10/15/18 04:25 PM.
"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction, one might save you from the other...Vincent
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3 |
Hi D,
I think thats a great idea myself and I think i`ll use that if its ok.. thanks so much for commenting and giving this a listen.
"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction, one might save you from the other...Vincent
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3 |
re writing
Last edited by lane1777; 10/30/18 04:06 PM.
"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction, one might save you from the other...Vincent
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,756
Posts1,161,310
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"When will we all, as artists, creators and facilitators learn that the so-called experts in our lives are nothing more than someone who has stepped forward and called themselves an expert?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|