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#1144945 - 09/25/18 11:33 PM Paper Dreams  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
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Hi, all:

Well, here's a song I'm not sure I'll record--it runs a bit long. But there are aspects of the lyric that I like, so I thought I'd share for feedback. What I call the first bridge (the second stanza) is really just a different melody between the first and second verse, and what I call the second bridge is a variation on the verse, but more spoken word or (dare I say) rap. Anyways, hope it's worth the read. My thanks in advance for any suggestions.

My best to all of you,

Deej

Paper Dreams

(V) Momma told me when I was young,
she said, ďDonít ever be afraid to chase the sun.
You never know the heights you can go until you try.Ē
And she could play and sing like angels do.
She taught me every note and every chord she knew.
She said that I could be a big star if Iíd like.

(B1) Momma had her own dreams, too,
but she gave them up when Daddy asked her to.
She passed when I was nine,
but every dream she had and her í52 Gibson guitar,
well, I made them mine.

(V) Swore on her soul Iíd be a country star,
played every high school dance and every local bar.
I told them, ďIím gonna hit the bigs like no one else.Ē
Daddy said, ďAll your hopes and schemes,
wonít amount to more than paper dreams.Ē
Well, I guess Iím gonna find out for myself.

(C) And so Iíll try to chase down the sun.
And Iíll fly to heights no oneís gone.
With every breath I can breathe,
with every drop I can bleed,
Iím never giving up Ďcause I believe
in these paper dreams.

(V) I met a man down on Music Row,
he said, ďI seen every wannabe here come and go.
You better pack it up and run back home, boy, while you can.Ē
I said ďYou may have seen a million wannabes,
but you ainít never ever seen the likes of me.
And, well, even if I should, I know I canít.Ē

(C) And so Iíll try to chase down the sun.
And Iíll fly to heights no oneís gone.
With this light in my eyes,
and my heart on my sleeve,
Iíll give it all I got Ďcause I believe
in these paper dreams.

(Ainít no luck, you gotta make your own breaks.
Iím gonna do everything it takes)

(B2) Iím gonna wake up every morning with the dawning sun;
sweat the frets until I get down everything Iíve done;
work the bar every night at the Patterson,
while writing lyrics on the back of a napkin;
post my tunes to YouTube and the music sites;
playing in the parks and at every open mic;
knock on closing doors; sell myself and more;
anything and everything it takes to score.

(C) And so Iíll try to chase down the sun.
And Iíll fly to heights no oneís gone.
With every breath I can breath,
with every drop I can bleed,
Iím never gonna stop Ďcause I believe
in these paper dreams.

(Outro)

And some day when I make it big,
Iím gonna head on back to the place he still lives,
and say ďWhat do you think of me now?
Hey, what do you think of me now?
Hey, Dad, what do you think of me?Ē

(c)2018 DJ Lekich

#1144951 - 09/26/18 08:43 AM Re: Paper Dreams [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 482
Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
You're right about it being a bit long for today's tastes (although not for me - I like longer songs) smile Of course, it'll depend on the tempo.

Regardless, I think this could be really good. I particularly like the pay-off at the end. I'm not so sure about the Paper Dreams thing, though. Is that an expression, something someone would say? I think it might actually be the weakest part of the song. Here's a suggestion that is probably completely insane. When I read these lines ....

"Daddy said, ďAll your hopes and schemes,
wonít amount to more than paper dreams.Ē

...my mind was filling in the last words as "wonít amount to more than a hill of beans.Ē It seemed more like the natural thing for him to say. If you went with that and then used it in the chorus and as the title, transforming the negative of a well-known phrase to a positive in a cutesy way, it might be more memorable. I think I'd be intrigued by a song called "Hill of Beans."

Iíll give it all I got Ďcause I believe
in my hill of beans

or, if the melody allows,...

"Iíll give it all I got Ďcause I believe
There's magic in my hill of beans" (a kind of echo of Jack and the Beanstalk).

And, because I'm getting carried away and I like unusual images...

"And some day when I make it big,
Iím gonna head on back to the place he still lives,
Put a can of beans on the table and say
ďWhat do you think of me now?
Hey, what do you think of me now?
Hey, Dad, what do you think of me?

As I say, probably completely insane. I look forward to hearing this one, Deej.

#1144988 - 09/27/18 11:09 PM Re: Paper Dreams [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Gavin,

Thanks so much for taking the time to give this one a read. "Long" is a relative term; I'm guessing this one might come in around 5 minutes the way I've written and play it. I've tried to put a fair amount of variation in the melody, but with anything that long you always worry that the listener's interest fades. Maybe I'll just give a shot at recording it and see what feedback I get.

As for "paper dreams": Most lyrics I write come to me as I'm playing, as did this phrase. Don't know if it's common--it just fit the melody and, more so, mood. What I think I mean by it is something planned--written down, laid out--aspired to, but not ever real, or tangible or possible. "Hill of beans" nails the exact sentiment--so you are right on, and it 's not insane in anyway--but I'm not sure it fits the tone of the song. (And I realize reading this you are at a disadvantage not knowing the melody and mood these lyrics go to).

What I appreciate most about your comments is with regard to the "pay-off at the end". Given it's a long song, that "outro" would be the easiest thing to cut. But, IMHO, it's the heart of the song, and my favorite part about it. I've always been a sucker for a son-dad relationship song, movie, whatever--and at it's heart, that 's what this one is about.

All the best,

Deej

#1145207 - 10/06/18 09:24 AM Re: Paper Dreams [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,275
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Posts: 11,275
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
I do like this Dave but i think it needs trimming down.
A personal thing but i get bored with long songs.
Well written as usual though
Regards
John

Last edited by Travis david; 10/06/18 09:25 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145240 - 10/08/18 11:15 PM Re: Paper Dreams [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Travis,

Thanks . . . yeah, I know it. Too long with nothing I can (or am willing to) cut without diminishing it (at least, that's how I feel). But that's the story of most of my lyrics. Gotta get better at being more concise in my story-telling. Well, that's why we're here (what few of us remain)--learn and grow. Appreciate the feedback.

Kindest regards,

Deej

#1145252 - 10/09/18 04:18 PM Re: Paper Dreams [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,973
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Posts: 5,973
UK
Hi Deej.
To cut or not to cut? That is the question.
Depends on who it's aimed at I suppose. Or does it have enough variation, melody and arrangement wise to make it interesting?
Does it need every line in it to tell it's story?

The other thought I had was that this guy comes across a little self centred. It's a little me me me. Does he have any friends?

I would keep working on it with that in mind.

Vic



It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1145349 - 10/12/18 11:48 PM Re: Paper Dreams [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 887
Hey, Vic--

Yes, I'm in a very Shakesperian dilemma--thing is, I'm not sure I'll know if the melody and arrangement can carry the length until I record it and get feedback from you poor souls who have to listen to it, but my gut tells me it's not worth it. If I cut, maybe the (B1)--objectively, it's only purpose is to establish that the father did to the mother what he's tried to do to the singer--discourage them from achieving their dreams. But, the song could still work without it, lyrically at least (musically is another thing).

You've rightly called me out on my other flaw--my "protagonists" tend to be on the whiny, poor me side. I like the idea of trying to convey he has friends--maybe somewhere in (B2).

Anyways, don't think I'll do much with this, but keep it in the warmer. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

Thanks for the comments, Vic. Hope all is well.

Deej


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