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#1145208 - 10/06/18 10:29 AM OUR LITTLE TOWN. First draft complete lyric  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,067
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,067
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks for comments and suggestions Gavin
9 ne
Vic
Thus is the first completed first draft

IN OUR LITTLE TOWN
V
Gaslights flickered, dancing to the call of the wind
frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white.
 Attaching  to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins
all coat collars  lifted high against another cold winters night

V
Terraced coal fires blazed from black cast kitchen ranges
Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap
Falling to the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages
While mother sits knitting, water still dripping
from that sink tap.

C
This was our little town 
    'til that  poison pen  planners use scrawled, 
TEAR IT DOWN
   This was our little town
  Steam trains  pulling, rattling bogeys
   PM to AM.
   Ships  announcing,unloaded! off home again.
    So much for our heritage, level it to the ground
     Maybe ghosts sadly hang their heads-
This was our little town

   V
Inclement weather snarled, bit like a rabid dog
 On my bedroom window collages in ice glowed, when the sun shone
string tied to letter boxes, games of door knocking in thick fog
then sheepishly my first long trousers where had the years gone
B
I remember it so well
every sound every smell
Strike a match the paper was lit
firewood cracking like a whip
 Homes known as two up two down
 In our little town

 C
 
    
      




------------------------

Song idea very wordy at the moment.
Unfinished just two verses and chorus idea

IN OUR LITTLE TOWN

Street gaslamps flickered, dancing to the call of the wind
frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white
then attached itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins
coat collars lifted high against another cold cold winters night

Terraced home coal fires blazed from black cast iron kitchen ranges
Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap
Falling onto the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages
While mother sits knitting, water still dripping
from that sink tap

I remember it so well
every sound every smell
Strike a match the paper was lit
firewood cracking like a whip
Neighbours sat on their steps
summer nights
gossiping until the fading light
All the smells all the sounds all around
in our little town

Last edited by Travis david; 10/07/18 10:03 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145210 - 10/06/18 10:59 AM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 424
Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 424
Conover, North Carolina, USA
Firstly, it can't be too British smile

I think this is very evocative. I brings vivid images to mind and, for some people, to the memory.

A couple of suggestions. You are painting pictures here, we don't need the past tense. It is in the past, of course, but it's also in the present as you paint it on the canvas of memory. For me, it would work better, feel more immediate and real, if you replaced past tense verbs with the continuous -ing form...

Street gaslamps flickering, dancing to the call of the wind
frost in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white
attaching itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old men's chins
etc.

Also, you do such a great job evoking a winter's night, and then suddenly we are jarred out of it into summer. Why not stick with the winter night and develop that further.

I love the indoor scene with the fire, newspaper, knitting, etc. It feels very real.

As for being too wordy, that would depend on the musical treatment. It can always be trimmed, if necessary.

#1145215 - 10/06/18 04:15 PM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 764
9ne Online content
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9ne  Online Content
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 764
N.E. of Toronto
I liked Gavin's ideas. As for "wordy"-maybe there's something in this suggestion you can use:

Gaslamps flicker, dancing to the calling wind
As the frosty air paints the roofs and cobbles white
And catches every old man's whiskered chin
Keeping collars high against the cold cold winters night

Best
-Mike

#1145220 - 10/07/18 06:04 AM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,833
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,833
UK
Too British for what? Commercial pop maybe.
Folk no.
In it's present form, a short poem beckons.
Gavin has given some good suggs.
Needs something to return to as a chorus that will bring it together as a song.
" Kids out playing on the street and mother calling us to eat", etc. etc.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

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#1145241 - 10/09/18 12:33 AM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 764
Travis,

Always great to see how you progress your lyrics. The first version is very poetic; your revised version less so, but still not far enough along to make me think "song lyric". But the images in here are very strong. I actually think this might make a better poem than song lyric as it stands--and when I say better, I mean "really good". I'm not discounting the possibility of making this into a good song lyric, just noting what strikes me as a more natural fit to verse. Either way, it will turn out well--there's a lot of great material to work with here.

All the best,

Deej


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