Who's Online Now
21 registered members (maccharles, Martin Lide, 9ne, Dave Rice, couchgrouch, Everett Adams, Calvin, Harriet Ames, cocolili, 2 invisible), and 213 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
Gavin Sinclair
Gavin Sinclair
Conover, North Carolina, USA
Posts: 458
Joined: May 2017
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
We couldn't contain our indifference
by Travis david. 12/12/18 09:44 AM
Don't Feel the Rain
by Ricki E. Bellos. 12/12/18 09:31 AM
Fantastic!
by Ricki E. Bellos. 12/12/18 09:21 AM
Fort Mystery---A Novel
by Everett Adams. 12/12/18 07:51 AM
World Chess Championship - 2018 - London
by Dave Rice. 12/12/18 06:56 AM
Lyrics and link together for Tribes of the World
by Travis david. 12/12/18 03:13 AM
SAME AS YOU INSIDE.Deej/Travis. REMIX.
by Travis david. 12/12/18 03:10 AM
Starting Today. ( Deej & Travis ) NEW VERSION
by Travis david. 12/12/18 03:07 AM
SONG TONE
by R&M. 12/12/18 02:12 AM
Muffler Thumpin' Noise! {better mix}
by Neil Cotton. 12/11/18 10:59 PM
The Shiny Thing
by Scott Campbell. 12/11/18 08:55 PM
If I Pen a Masterpiece
by couchgrouch. 12/11/18 07:35 PM
Barry Butler. (message posted. Please read thread)
by Colin Ward. 12/11/18 07:08 PM
Under Covers
by E Swartz. 12/11/18 06:54 PM
Winter's Show. Vic
by Vicarn. 12/11/18 06:46 PM
Army Navy today
by Perry Neal Crawford. 12/11/18 06:18 PM
Stuck Here At The Light - revised
by David Gill. 12/11/18 03:32 PM
APPEARANCES DECEIVE - A Lisa Gundling Song-Story
by John Lawrence Schick. 12/11/18 02:52 PM
The Same Remains The Same
by Vicarn. 12/11/18 12:28 PM
Be Your Own The Standard Bearer
by Neil Cotton. 12/11/18 11:58 AM
Country Cliché If Wishes Were Horses
by Perry Neal Crawford. 12/11/18 11:54 AM
Peace
by couchgrouch. 12/11/18 10:10 AM
Hold Happy Tight Right Now
by Neil Cotton. 12/11/18 09:45 AM
2008 Best Albums
by Martin Lide. 12/11/18 08:45 AM
Tribes of the World Unite
by Travis david. 12/11/18 12:40 AM
Country Lyric/Music Writer Looking to Co-Write
by Walt Lamberg. 12/10/18 09:21 PM
Time--guitar/drm loop-mx-5--no strings
by E Swartz. 12/10/18 01:32 PM
The Business of Cruelty
by Wendy D. 12/10/18 12:23 PM
The Apache
by Fdemetrio. 12/10/18 12:20 PM
Donny Was Eaten
by Calvin. 12/09/18 05:46 PM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,672
Travis david 11,213
Kevin Emmrich 10,543
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,571
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,843
glynda 8,579
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,901
couchgrouch 7,446
Corey 7,357
Dave Rice 6,972
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
Mark Kaufman 6,437
Joe Wrabek 6,403
ben willis 6,095
Vicarn 5,917
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,604
niteshift 5,454
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,627
Blake Hill 4,528
Neil Cotton 4,484
Bob Cushing 4,352
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Cindy Miller 4,178
Tom Shea 4,173
TamsNumber4 4,032
Roy Cooper 4,013
nightengale 3,965
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,784
Dan Sullivan 3,710
MFB III 3,687
beechnut79 3,458
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
E Swartz 3,228
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,887
Harriet Ames 2,870
Nigel Quin 2,810
MidniteBob 2,707
Nelson 2,570
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,241
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
Wendy D 2,193
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,012
DukeWill 1,984
floyd jane 1,982
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
maccharles 1,881
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,630
Noel Downs 1,620
Rick Heenan 1,589
Cal 1,574
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,461
Tom Franz 1,453
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,406
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
GocartMoz 1,396
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
Ian Ferrin 1,230
PeteG 1,228
Glen King 1,212
IdeaGuy 1,209
Martin Lide 1,182
AaronAuthier 1,177
Diane Ewing 1,158
Gerry 1,112
summeoyo 1,085
joro 1,081
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
lane1777 1,038
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
Wolvman 960
IronKnee 945
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Deej56 831
Nadia 827
9ne 813
Juan 797
TKO 784
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
90 dB 745
Andy K 739
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 733
ant 732
Jackie444 731
Fdemetrio 731
3daveyO3 704
Dayson 703
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
Mel 614
Irwin 603
NaomiSue 601
Pat Hardy 599
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Moosesong 555
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
R&M 480
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Cecilee 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Jim Ryan 360
Alek 356
papaG 353
Z - man 350
John K 348
JamesDF5 347
Jaden 344
ddreuter 341
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
pomeranj 289
Char 286
markus-ky 285
ktunes 285
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#1145208 - 10/06/18 09:29 AM OUR LITTLE TOWN. First draft complete lyric  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,213
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,213
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks for comments and suggestions Gavin
9 ne
Vic
Thus is the first completed first draft

IN OUR LITTLE TOWN
V
Gaslights flickered, dancing to the call of the wind
frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white.
 Attaching  to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins
all coat collars  lifted high against another cold winters night

V
Terraced coal fires blazed from black cast kitchen ranges
Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap
Falling to the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages
While mother sits knitting, water still dripping
from that sink tap.

C
This was our little town 
    'til that  poison pen  planners use scrawled, 
TEAR IT DOWN
   This was our little town
  Steam trains  pulling, rattling bogeys
   PM to AM.
   Ships  announcing,unloaded! off home again.
    So much for our heritage, level it to the ground
     Maybe ghosts sadly hang their heads-
This was our little town

   V
Inclement weather snarled, bit like a rabid dog
 On my bedroom window collages in ice glowed, when the sun shone
string tied to letter boxes, games of door knocking in thick fog
then sheepishly my first long trousers where had the years gone
B
I remember it so well
every sound every smell
Strike a match the paper was lit
firewood cracking like a whip
 Homes known as two up two down
 In our little town

 C
 
    
      




------------------------

Song idea very wordy at the moment.
Unfinished just two verses and chorus idea

IN OUR LITTLE TOWN

Street gaslamps flickered, dancing to the call of the wind
frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white
then attached itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins
coat collars lifted high against another cold cold winters night

Terraced home coal fires blazed from black cast iron kitchen ranges
Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap
Falling onto the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages
While mother sits knitting, water still dripping
from that sink tap

I remember it so well
every sound every smell
Strike a match the paper was lit
firewood cracking like a whip
Neighbours sat on their steps
summer nights
gossiping until the fading light
All the smells all the sounds all around
in our little town

Last edited by Travis david; 10/07/18 09:03 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1145210 - 10/06/18 09:59 AM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 458
Gavin Sinclair Offline
Top 500 Poster
Gavin Sinclair  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: May 2017
Posts: 458
Conover, North Carolina, USA
Firstly, it can't be too British smile

I think this is very evocative. I brings vivid images to mind and, for some people, to the memory.

A couple of suggestions. You are painting pictures here, we don't need the past tense. It is in the past, of course, but it's also in the present as you paint it on the canvas of memory. For me, it would work better, feel more immediate and real, if you replaced past tense verbs with the continuous -ing form...

Street gaslamps flickering, dancing to the call of the wind
frost in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white
attaching itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old men's chins
etc.

Also, you do such a great job evoking a winter's night, and then suddenly we are jarred out of it into summer. Why not stick with the winter night and develop that further.

I love the indoor scene with the fire, newspaper, knitting, etc. It feels very real.

As for being too wordy, that would depend on the musical treatment. It can always be trimmed, if necessary.

#1145215 - 10/06/18 03:15 PM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 813
9ne Online content
Top 500 Poster
9ne  Online Content
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 813
N.E. of Toronto
I liked Gavin's ideas. As for "wordy"-maybe there's something in this suggestion you can use:

Gaslamps flicker, dancing to the calling wind
As the frosty air paints the roofs and cobbles white
And catches every old man's whiskered chin
Keeping collars high against the cold cold winters night

Best
-Mike

#1145220 - 10/07/18 05:04 AM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,917
Vicarn Online content
Top 40 Poster
Vicarn  Online Content
Top 40 Poster

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,917
UK
Too British for what? Commercial pop maybe.
Folk no.
In it's present form, a short poem beckons.
Gavin has given some good suggs.
Needs something to return to as a chorus that will bring it together as a song.
" Kids out playing on the street and mother calling us to eat", etc. etc.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1145241 - 10/08/18 11:33 PM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 831
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 831
Travis,

Always great to see how you progress your lyrics. The first version is very poetic; your revised version less so, but still not far enough along to make me think "song lyric". But the images in here are very strong. I actually think this might make a better poem than song lyric as it stands--and when I say better, I mean "really good". I'm not discounting the possibility of making this into a good song lyric, just noting what strikes me as a more natural fit to verse. Either way, it will turn out well--there's a lot of great material to work with here.

All the best,

Deej

#1145574 - 10/21/18 03:31 PM Re: OUR LITTLE TOWN. ( Too British?) [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,213
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,213
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
I might get back to this one Dave it's worth a rewrite cheers
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Membership
Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
cat8mkl, MKLFIT, cocolili, joe222, WalterRWebb
21128 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics118,507
Posts1,117,336
Members21,128
Average Posts Daily31
Most Online1,506
Mar 16th, 2017
Just Plain Quotes
"Parents are notorious for telling you not to do something, but not telling you WHAT to do instead. So here are my thoughts. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, give it a manicure. Don't burn your bridges, go out and build more! And of course, Don't run with Scissors, use them to cut out your press clippings!" -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0