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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Thanks for comments and suggestions Gavin 9 ne Vic Thus is the first completed first draft
IN OUR LITTLE TOWN V Gaslights flickered, dancing to the call of the wind frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white. Attaching to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins all coat collars lifted high against another cold winters night
V Terraced coal fires blazed from black cast kitchen ranges Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap Falling to the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages While mother sits knitting, water still dripping from that sink tap.
C This was our little town 'til that poison pen planners use scrawled, TEAR IT DOWN This was our little town Steam trains pulling, rattling bogeys PM to AM. Ships announcing,unloaded! off home again. So much for our heritage, level it to the ground Maybe ghosts sadly hang their heads- This was our little town
V Inclement weather snarled, bit like a rabid dog On my bedroom window collages in ice glowed, when the sun shone string tied to letter boxes, games of door knocking in thick fog then sheepishly my first long trousers where had the years gone B I remember it so well every sound every smell Strike a match the paper was lit firewood cracking like a whip Homes known as two up two down In our little town
C
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Song idea very wordy at the moment. Unfinished just two verses and chorus idea
IN OUR LITTLE TOWN
Street gaslamps flickered, dancing to the call of the wind frost hung in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white then attached itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old mens chins coat collars lifted high against another cold cold winters night
Terraced home coal fires blazed from black cast iron kitchen ranges Dads fast asleep Evening News slides from his lap Falling onto the oilcloth scattering horse racing pages While mother sits knitting, water still dripping from that sink tap I remember it so well every sound every smell Strike a match the paper was lit firewood cracking like a whip Neighbours sat on their steps summer nights gossiping until the fading light All the smells all the sounds all around in our little town
Last edited by Travis david; 10/07/18 10:03 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,143 Likes: 26
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Firstly, it can't be too British I think this is very evocative. I brings vivid images to mind and, for some people, to the memory. A couple of suggestions. You are painting pictures here, we don't need the past tense. It is in the past, of course, but it's also in the present as you paint it on the canvas of memory. For me, it would work better, feel more immediate and real, if you replaced past tense verbs with the continuous -ing form... Street gaslamps flickering, dancing to the call of the wind frost in the air, lining roof tops and cobblestones white attaching itself to eyebrows and whiskers on old men's chins etc. Also, you do such a great job evoking a winter's night, and then suddenly we are jarred out of it into summer. Why not stick with the winter night and develop that further. I love the indoor scene with the fire, newspaper, knitting, etc. It feels very real. As for being too wordy, that would depend on the musical treatment. It can always be trimmed, if necessary.
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035 Likes: 2
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Joined: Apr 2002
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I liked Gavin's ideas. As for "wordy"-maybe there's something in this suggestion you can use:
Gaslamps flicker, dancing to the calling wind As the frosty air paints the roofs and cobbles white And catches every old man's whiskered chin Keeping collars high against the cold cold winters night
Best -Mike
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Too British for what? Commercial pop maybe. Folk no. In it's present form, a short poem beckons. Gavin has given some good suggs. Needs something to return to as a chorus that will bring it together as a song. " Kids out playing on the street and mother calling us to eat", etc. etc.
Vic
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Joined: Dec 2016
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Travis,
Always great to see how you progress your lyrics. The first version is very poetic; your revised version less so, but still not far enough along to make me think "song lyric". But the images in here are very strong. I actually think this might make a better poem than song lyric as it stands--and when I say better, I mean "really good". I'm not discounting the possibility of making this into a good song lyric, just noting what strikes me as a more natural fit to verse. Either way, it will turn out well--there's a lot of great material to work with here.
All the best,
Deej
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2011
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I might get back to this one Dave it's worth a rewrite cheers John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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