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This is my 5th rewrite of this song. All set to be demo all over again. Need feedback.

IT HURTS
©2018 IRWIN ABRIGO

(VERSE 1)
I plan, to live my, my whole life through
With me, and you, yes this is truth
I remember, you said you’d
you'd wanted the same thing too
When we met, I had wanted
your love to be devoted
Snow is falling I’m at home, It is cold I’m alone
Against my window there’s a storm, and it’s coming on strong

(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear
Hear the sound of the wind, blowing
Wishing, Lying in my bed, I’m pretending
Pretending you are near
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it, hurts

(VERSE 2)
Never had I ask you for too much
So how can you make me feel sad?
I only ask for, for your touch
You know you’re all that I had
I need your, hugs and kisses
I need you more than riches
All through the night I dim the lights, and this is wishful thinking
Like the wind that blows through my door, I hope you’ll come walking


(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear
Hear the sound of the wind, blowing
Wishing, Lying in my bed, I’m pretending
Pretending you are near
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it, hurts

(BRIDGE)
Just to think, that you’d leave
Is what I can’t believe
You left me with a broken heart
pretending you are near

(Out)
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it, hurts
(Repeat)

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This is My 4th and final rewrite of this song. All set to be demo. If any one can see any mistakes that I have made in this lyric I am asking for you to kindly point it out.

IT HURTS
©2018 IRWIN ABRIGO

(VERSE 1)
Plan to live, my whole life through
With me and you, you said you’d wanted that too
When we met, I had wanted
A love to-be devoted
Snow is falling, I’m at home
It is cold, I’m alone
Against my window, there’s a storm
And it’s coming, on strong...

(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear the sound
Of the wind, blowing
Wishing you were here
Lying in my bed, I’m pretending
Just to think, you’re not here...
It hurts!

(VERSE 2)
Never ask you, for too much
Only your touch, how can you make me feel sad?
I need your, hugs and kisses
You know you’re all that I had?
I dim the lights, through the night
And this is, wishful thinking
Like the wind that blows, through my door
I hope, you’ll come walking....


(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear the sound
Of the wind, blowing
Wishing you, were here
Lying-in my bed, I’m pretending
Just to think, you’re not here....
It hurts

(BRIDGE)
Just to think, that you’d leave
Is what I can’t believe...
You left me with a broken heart...

You left me with a broken heart...

You left me with a BROKEN HEART...


(CHROUS)
Outside, I can hear the sound
Of the wind, blowing
Wishing you, were here
Lying-in my bed, I’m pretending
Just to think, you’re not here...
It... Hurts...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_______________________________________________________________________________________________

This is a rewrite. I am kindly asking for your critiques and suggestions. Lyric is for a female singer (I do have a melody in my head But, if any one has come up with a melody it wound be nice to know/hear.

IT HURTS
©2018 IRWIN ABRIGO

(VERSE 1)
Plan to live my whole life through
with me and you, You said you’d wanted that too
When we met I had wanted
A love to be devoted
Now I’m at home all alone
It’s cold, sown is falling
Against my window I can hear
A crazy wind is blowing

(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear the sound
of the wind is Blowing
Wishing you were here
In my head I’m pretending
Just to think that you’re not here
It hurts

(VERSE 2)
Never ask you for too much
only your touch, How can you make me feel sad?
I need your hugs and kisses
You know you’re all that I had?
I dim the lights through the night
This is, wishful thinking
I’m fantasying day dreaming
Through my door you’ll come walking

(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear the sound
of the wind is Blowing
Wishing you were here
In my head I’m pretending
Just to think that you’re not here
It hurts

(BRIDGE)
Just to think that you’d leave,
Is what I can’t believe
You left me with a broken heart

You left me with a broken heart

You left me with a BROKEN HEART


(CHROUS)

A typo verse one snow?
Lyric seems fine what sort of song do you have in mind?
Travis

Oh Yes...Why do I have to always make a typo mistake?

Travis for me, this is A pop song But I'll say....if someone sees it in a different style I would like to know or hear.

Thanks for the reply.

Irwin

Irwin,

These could work just fine in a pop song with the right melody, harmony and sound--so you're off to a great start. Given that the second line of the chorus uses "wind is blowing," I'd consider re-writing the last line of the first verse ("crazy wind is blowing") as it seems a little repetitive going into that first chorus. Hope that helps.

Kind regards,

Deej

Thank you Deej56, You input are very much appreciated. I have rewritten this lyric it is my 4th rewrite. when you find the time you may want to read it again. Please do.

Irwin,

Yes, the change in the first verse is much, much better; the imagery/metaphor in those last two lines help set up the chorus. Nice change.

Best regards,

Deej

Yes Deej56, I help thinking and thinking how to make this lyric better, Then when I came up with these new lines I was like wow! So how when I look back to where this song lyric has came from, from the very start I am kinda shame has to what I had posted, for it was so amateurish in the beginning.

Anyways, I am please in the form it is in now and I am still searching for ways to make it better.

I am also thankful for the feedback that I have been getting from you guys here also.

Thank very much for reading my song lyric.

Irwin

Irwin,

I think the whole point of this forum is to post something a bit raw in hopes of getting insight on how to take things to the next level before recording. So no need to have any reservations on what we post--let's help each other get better! If my suggestions can help you, I'm happy--I certainly offer my comments in that spirit.

All the best,

Deej

This is my 5th rewrite of this song. All set to be demo all over again. Need feedback.

IT HURTS
©2018 IRWIN ABRIGO

(VERSE 1)
I plan, to live my, my whole life through
With me, and you, yes this is truth
I remember, you said you’d
you'd wanted the same thing too
When we met, I had wanted
your love to be devoted
Snow is falling I’m at home, It is cold I’m alone
Against my window there’s a storm, and it’s coming on strong

(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear
hear the sound of the wind, blowing
Wishing, Lying in my bed, I’m pretending
pretending you are near
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it, hurts

(VERSE 2)
Never had I ask you for too much
So how can you make me feel sad?
I only ask for, for your touch
You know you’re all that I had
I need your, hugs and kisses
I need you more than riches
All through the night I dim the lights and this is wishful thinking
Like the wind that blows through my door, I hope you’ll come walking


(CHORUS)
Outside, I can hear
hear the sound of the wind, blowing
Wishing, Lying in my bed, I’m pretending
pretending you are near
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it, hurts

(BRIDGE)
Just to think, that you’d leave
Is what I can’t believe
You left me with a broken heart
pretending you are near

(out)
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it hurts
Just to think you’re not here it, hurts
(Repeat)