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#1144661 - 09/14/18 03:03 PM Devotion  
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 78
Maroon_Corey Offline
Serious Contributor
Maroon_Corey  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 78
Richmond, VA
Hey, Guys,

Here is a song I wrote with personal meaning to me that I'm hoping to flesh out and create a full demo/ backing track so that I can sing it on solo gigs and share with my band so that they might learn it. I am open to any and all criticisms and suggestions. Thanks!

ďDevotionĒ - https://soundcloud.com/maroon-corey/devotion/s-SQ6eK

(Verse 1)
I know a guy who says he wakes up with his eyes closed.
What does he see?
I hear him humming a tune, goiní Ďbout his day.
Sometimes I hear him sing!
He mumbles when he sits down and when he gets back up again.
First chance he gets, he opens up his book again.
You might hear him speak a kind word to a friend.
Or you might hear him treat a foe just like his kin.
Is he liviní right? Seems to be.
Always got some friends he wants to see.
Canít account for where he seems to be.

(Chorus)
Devotion; What is it?
Is it showing that you need something you can never be?
Devotion, What do you get down on your knees to do?
Do you choose it or does it choose you?

(Verse 2)
I know a guy who sometimes holds his eyes closed.
What does he see?
He might not tell you what you want to hear,
but what he says, you can believe it!
Now, when other race on, he might step back.
And when they wonít go, he might move ahead.
Other folks might wax and wane just like the moon,
but you best believe heíll do what he said heíd do.
Is he liviní right? Seems to be.
Always got some friends that want to see him.
Canít account for where he seems to be.

(Chorus)

(Bridge/ Coda)
Heís gonna struggle just like the rest of us.
Heíll be the first to tell you that he ainít the best of us.
But he says in stillness, comfort comes to us!
Heís just like you and me.
Never gonna be the best we can be.
Thatís why I need to get down on my knees!

#1144747 - 09/16/18 10:55 PM Re: Devotion [Re: Maroon_Corey]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 801
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 801
Maroon,

Iím probably the worst person to chime in here because Iím just not a jazz fan. But I will, and Iílll start with what I like: First, itís got a nice Steely Dan type feel to it . . . and second, your vocal is pretty killer . . . actually very killeróno, check that, it just kills. Really, very impressive.

Hereís what I donít likeóand again keep in mind I just donít get jazz: The melody seems a bit disjointed and repetitive, or, said another way, I, as a listener, lose interest (but for that slick vocal). My only suggestion would be to think about minimizing this a bit; focus on the core and bare essentials and slim it down.

Again, just a couple thoughts from a guy who hates jazzóso take it with a Mt. Everest grain of salt. And keep at it--you are clearly very talented.

All the best,

Deej

#1144801 - 09/18/18 08:02 PM Re: Devotion [Re: Maroon_Corey]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,802
Ricki E. Bellos Online content
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Ricki E. Bellos  Online Content
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,802
Wisconsin
Hi Maroon, welcome back. Good to hear something new from you. Well, your jazz roots are showing and I'm getting some Stevie Wonder tones as well as Steely Dan in there as well, all good things in my opinion. I wasn't sure where you were taking us lyrically but the bridge pulled it all together for me.

"in stillness, comfort comes to us"

Well done. Hope you stick around.

Ricki

#1144829 - 09/21/18 12:50 AM Re: Devotion [Re: Maroon_Corey]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,452
niteshift Online content
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niteshift  Online Content
Top 50 Poster

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,452
Sydney, Australia
Hey Maroon,

Yep, works for me. Great styling. I can see this song worked up. Plenty of room there for musical and percussive arrangement.

cheers, niteshift

#1144963 - 09/26/18 06:01 PM Re: Devotion [Re: Maroon_Corey]  
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 172
RainyDayMan Offline
Serious Contributor
RainyDayMan  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 172
Stratford, Australia
Love it! Love. It.
Great job. Wonderfully refreshing!

"I know a guy who says he wakes up with his eyes closed.
What does he see?"
Intriguing lines to open with, and I like how you paraphrased it for verse 2.
The lyric has a "flow of consciousness" feel to it. Except that it isn't, you've clearly crafted it quite carefully.

I like the little variations you've got in there. Small things like the emphasis on hear in "sometimes I hear him sing" and larger ones like the chord change for "Is he living right - seems to be"

And overall the message about being an example by your deeds rather than your words, resonates with me.

Loved it!


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