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#1143194 - 07/26/18 03:53 PM Dear John  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
9ne Online content
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9ne  Online Content
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
N.E. of Toronto
New Version:

"Dear John" Copyright 2018-M.Healey

It seems so long since our first kiss
Life takes a leap we take the hit
We loved we lost it bit by bit
And now it's come to this
Dear John

I don't think that I could face
Lying to myself again today
We deal in hurt-we deal in pain
That's our problem why I say
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

We both know the way this works
What happens when the bubbles burst
I can't imagine trying to hurt
John it happened-in a word
Dear John

It's not like we never tried
That's old news like tear filled eyes
To find the good in this goodbye
We both know will take some time
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

Weary, blaming, choosing fault
We walk on glass afraid to fall
And unlike the best old break-up songs
This one ain't a sing along

That's gone
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

Old Version:

"Dear John" Copyright 2018-M.Healey

It seems so long since our first kiss
When life leaps we take the hit
We loved we lost it bit by bit
And now it's come to this
Dear John

I don't think that I could face
Lying to myself again today
We deal in hurt-we deal in pain
That's our problem why I say
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

We both know the way this works
What happens when the bubbles burst
I can't imagine trying to hurt
John it happened-in a word
Dear John

It's not like we never tried
That's old news like tear filled eyes
To find the good in this goodbye
We both know will take some time
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

Tired like a barroom brawl
Over, done, no need to stall
Everything has been resolved
No sin's left to be absolved

We can move on
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

I wish you all the best in life....

Last edited by 9ne; 08/23/18 09:04 AM.
#1143277 - 07/28/18 09:28 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,450
beechnut79 Offline
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beechnut79  Offline
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Posts: 3,450
Villa Park IL
Is this a modern take on a classic country ballad of the same name which starts out: Dear John, oh how I hate to write?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMueKWzG0WE

This is the original version of that song. A remake by Skeeter Davis and Bobby Bare came out in the late 1960s.

#1143296 - 07/28/18 01:50 PM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
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N.E. of Toronto
I wasn't aware of that song Beech. I just write-hopefully something good.
Thanks for reading!
-Mike

#1143393 - 07/30/18 09:27 PM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 801
Deej56 Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 801
Mike,

I like what you have going here. Tough to really help much without the melody because it could all work pretty well in the right sound, mix, etc. That said, not sure "Tired like a bar room brawl" really works in the context of the song; and I do think that last stanza could use some tweaking--it seems to quick a resolution (which "resolved' suggests) in light of the prior verse ("will take some time").

Again, tough to really know without the music, so take the above with a big grain of salt.

All the best,

Deej

#1143509 - 08/03/18 07:15 PM Re: Dear John [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
9ne Online content
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Posts: 782
N.E. of Toronto
I think you had a very valid reply Deej; thank you, I appreciate you reading!
I agreed with you, and I wiped the last verse out with extreme prejudice, (the POWER!) I put a bridge there instead. The new version is below.
Thanks again!
-Mike

"Dear John" Copyright 2018-M.Healey

It seems so long since our first kiss
Life takes a leap we take the hit
We loved we lost it bit by bit
And now it's come to this
Dear John

I don't think that I could face
Lying to myself again today
We deal in hurt-we deal in pain
That's our problem why I say
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

We both know the way this works
What happens when the bubbles burst
I can't imagine trying to hurt
John it happened-in a word
Dear John

It's not like we never tried
That's old news like tear filled eyes
To find the good in this goodbye
We both know will take some time
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John

Weary, blaming, choosing fault
We walk on glass afraid to fall
And unlike the best old break-up songs
This one ain't a sing along

That's gone
Dear John

Dear John
Dear John
Dear John


#1144099 - 08/23/18 08:40 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,117
Travis david Online content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,117
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
I like your rewrite Mike why not post it above your initial posting?
I stumbled over the nation ball verse the new write works better
Cheers
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1144104 - 08/23/18 10:21 AM Re: Dear John [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
9ne Online content
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N.E. of Toronto
Thanks for the reply Travis, I posted the new version in my initial post. See? I do listen to you!
-Mike

#1144106 - 08/23/18 10:43 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,117
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Posts: 11,117
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Lol


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1144109 - 08/23/18 12:01 PM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,857
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Posts: 5,857
UK
I like the concept.
No ambiguity here. Not sure how well this line works but it may iron out with the music:
"John it happened-in a word".

Good luck with it

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1144174 - 08/25/18 02:44 PM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
9ne Online content
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Posts: 782
N.E. of Toronto
Thanks so much Vic! I'm writing the music; it started with an A blues, but that wasn't popping so I went with an A minor blues and it worked. The 3 and 4 lines repeat the same chords but there's a pause between the Em and the Dm where that line works.Got the chorus music and now on to the Bridge!
Thanks again!
-Mike

#1144366 - 09/01/18 08:54 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,412
Neil Cotton Online content
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Neil Cotton  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,412
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
Good....nice use of near rhymes.

#1144369 - 09/01/18 09:11 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
9ne Online content
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Cotton's back in town! smile
Hey Neil, thanks so much for commenting!

#1144487 - 09/07/18 09:11 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,412
Neil Cotton Online content
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Neil Cotton  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,412
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
ya , kinda cooled off on the forums and the like...writing less, I think I know by now what works...besides it just for me mostly.

I am now the leader of our Rec. Centre band. Our Town is doing Cultural Days end of Sept. and the band is doing several of my songs about our town history and events. The band thinks the songs are good. That's all that matters.

Georgetown Will Always Be Home
Memorial Arena
The Barber Dynamo
The Ol' McGibby
The Pole
From His Seat On Our Town Bus.
Footprints Worn In Wood
When All Is Said and Done
My Home Town (of course LOL)
Light Up The Hills
Canada The Amalgamation.

Oh BTW, I released an album of my Tropical type tunes.
Canadian Bakin'
https://artists.cbcmusic.ca/artist/32054

#1144489 - 09/07/18 09:55 AM Re: Dear John [Re: Neil Cotton]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 782
9ne Online content
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N.E. of Toronto
Well done Neil!

#1144644 - 09/14/18 05:51 AM Re: Dear John [Re: 9ne]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,412
Neil Cotton Online content
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Neil Cotton  Online Content
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Posts: 4,412
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
We're part of Canada wide https://culturedays.ca/en


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