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#1142758 - 07/11/18 05:13 PM Summer  
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
DMsoundz Offline
Casual Observer
DMsoundz  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
https://soundcloud.com/dmsound-2/summer

Lyrics:

I can see it coming, lines she'll say to me
But I'm still smiling, It always seems
But I'm here now, and it's time to feel now
So I guess I'll, just take a summer drive
With that bright sun shining, the light fills up my face
By the house I grew up in, the lilacs rest in shade
Oh if none of this right, then I won't dare ask why
But when summers' closing in, then I'll know it's time
Oh if none of this is right, then I won't dare ask why
But when summers' closing in, then I'll know it's time

#1142763 - 07/11/18 07:08 PM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,198
Douglas Murphy Offline
Top 40 Poster
Douglas Murphy  Offline
Top 40 Poster

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,198
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hello DM. Let me say welcome to JPF. You will find some great feedback and comments if you are open to them here. [Also listen and comment on others as well it is a you scratch my back and I will scrach yours place. smile ]Let me first say that I enjoyed the "live" feel to this but then I have to point out a few things. First you have to much reverb on your vocals, and even though it sound "nice" it is not IMO and takes something away from the recording. Second you need to format your lyric [I have exampled it below] Identify your vereses, a break or instrumental if there is one, and of course your chores. This way the listerner/reader has something to follow.

This is a very good first draft but I could not really tell what the "singer" was getting at. Vagueness can be good, clever even, but still you have three to four minutes to tell me the story the first time around. If not then "I" as the listerner will not give it a second go. Just my opinions and nothing is ever set in stone when it comes to this craft. Keep posting!

Douglas

Summer
[The Date]

[V]
I can see it coming,
lines she'll say to me
But I'm still smiling,
It always seems
But I'm here now, and
it's time to feel now
So I guess I'll, just
take a summer drive

[Break]

[V]
With that bright sun shining,
the light fills up my face
By the house I grew up in,
the lilacs rest in shade
Oh if none of this right,
then I won't dare ask why
But when summers' closing in,
then I'll know it's time

[Instrumental]

[V]
Oh if none of this is right,
then I won't dare ask why
But when summers' closing in,
then I'll know it's time

Copyright (C) 2018 by .....

and a link to your soundcloud page for example


"Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver

www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Skype Contact: douglas.murphy8
#1142779 - 07/12/18 11:04 AM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
DMsoundz Offline
Casual Observer
DMsoundz  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
Hi Douglas,

Thank you for listening and for your feedback; I will take it to heart. As for your comments I would like to address a few things; the reverb on the vocals is somewhat deliberate as it is not so much as what I am singing as to how the sound of the vocals flows with the vibe of the song. I'll admit, I recorded this song 4 years ago when I was not as schooled in engineering sound and therefore the reverb factor probably could use improvement. Second, the "story" of a song I always believe is somewhat subjective, as in it is in the mind of the listener to interpret what the song means to them and the lyrics are more or less a guide. If a more explicitly drawn message is a pre requisite for you for future listens then I find that to be unfortunate. The lyrics of this song (and the title) are basically just a commentary on summer vibes; there really isn't a "story". Thanks again for listening and for taking the time to offer feedback; I have enjoyed listening to others postings on this forum so far and it has been a great place to find new and awesome music.

Derek

Last edited by DMsoundz; 07/12/18 11:05 AM.
#1142848 - 07/14/18 10:51 AM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,198
Douglas Murphy Offline
Top 40 Poster
Douglas Murphy  Offline
Top 40 Poster

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,198
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
You are welcome Derek and again JMHO and nothing more. Have a great weekend.

Douglas


"Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver

www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Skype Contact: douglas.murphy8
#1142864 - 07/14/18 06:27 PM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 176
RainyDayMan Offline
Serious Contributor
RainyDayMan  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 176
Stratford, Australia
I also think the reverb is overdone - it makes it hard to understand the words and I want to hear them clearly.

But I do like the vibe of the song. The rhythmic strumming pattern works for me, and I like the high notes in some of the lines to give it accent.
The lyric has a visual feel to me. Images of the house and the lilacs in bright sunshine. It's painting a picture rather than telling a story. A moment captured in time along with the nostalgic feeling towards it.

#1142866 - 07/14/18 07:56 PM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 489
Gavin Sinclair Offline
Top 500 Poster
Gavin Sinclair  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: May 2017
Posts: 489
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I like the melody and really like the guitar solo - not too fussy, nicely atmospheric.I also like those high notes. Overall, it has a nice feel to it. I like the song.

Is this just a rough draft to give us an idea of the song or are you also looking for comments on the performance/recording?

I agree that the reverb is a wee bit overdone. Also, since, like me, you're not a natural singer, you might find Melodyne useful to bring your notes into tune. It won't help if you're a live performer, of course, but it can work wonders in a recording.

I get what you are saying about the listener interpreting the song, and I like the visuals, but I think you have the opportunity to tell a little more of a story, which would make the song more meaningful to this listener.

I hope you find these comments constructive. If I didn't like the song, I wouldn't bother making them smile

#1142867 - 07/15/18 12:36 AM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 873
9ne Online content
Top 500 Poster
9ne  Online Content
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 873
N.E. of Toronto
To me it feels like a jam- throw some words out, keep singing till you hit some good parts. Good parts there are ..but...needs more focus, tightening,consistent story line, payoff, whatever...


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=170948

I think what makes satan so attractive to others is
that he tastes like chocolate...
....and he played real drums
#1142883 - 07/15/18 09:45 PM Re: Summer [Re: DMsoundz]  
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
DMsoundz Offline
Casual Observer
DMsoundz  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 12
Thanks RainydayMan, Gavin, and 9ne for your constructive criticism and for listening. I think the song is more of a picture than a story, but too each his own. Wanted to post a summer song as we are indeed in that season.

Last edited by DMsoundz; 07/15/18 09:45 PM.

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