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#1141668 - 06/09/18 09:04 PM A Prayer to the World  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 710
Deej56 Online content
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Deej56  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 710
HI, all:

A lyric that's been around a while that I just couldn't quite finish--but finally pretty close. It's a long tune, I know, but it is what it is. I'm working on a few other tunes right now, so it might take me a while to do something with this one. So, figured I'd post the lyrics for some feedback before I mess with it more. Thanks in advance for your comments.

All the best,

Deej

Prayer to the World

(V) We keep moving sideways
down all these highways
just searching for someplace to be.
Through all our travels
we’ve warred and we’ve battled—
maybe it’s time we made our peace.

(PC) We’ve gotta open our arms
to the light of the living
or let what’s dying die.
Don’t be alarmed by
by our doubts and our misgivings—
it’s so easy, love, to never try.

(C) We’ve got to set our sights
on the light shining over
all the mad things we do.
You say you’ve got your demons,
well, I’ve got demons too—
Say a prayer to the world
that there’s a chance for forgiveness;
a prayer to the world,
there’s some light still within us;
a prayer to the world,
there’s still hope of love for me and you.

(V) We drove through the tension,
while every sense of connection,
just scattered like leaves in the wind.
We found comfort in strangers
well-aware of the danger
of losing ourselves in the end.

(PC) We’ve got to open our eyes
to the price of commitment
and make a choice to choose.
Don’t be surprised by the
strength of our resistance to it—
it’s harder, love, to win than lose.

(C) We’ve got to set our sights
on the light shining over
all the mad things we do.
You say you’ve got your reasons,
well, I’ve got reasons too—
Say a prayer to the world
that there’s a chance for forgiveness,
a prayer to the world,
there’s some light still within us,
a prayer to the world,
there’s still hope of love for me and you.

(B) Let’s walk on out
from this weight on our shoulders.
Let’s figure out
how a true love can bloom.

(C) We’ve got to set our sights
on the light shining over
all the mad things we do.
You say you’ve got your demons,
well, I’ve got demons too—
Say a prayer to the world
that there’s a chance for forgiveness,
a prayer to the world,
there’s some light still within us,
a prayer to the world,
there’s still hope of love for me and you.

(c)2018 DJ Lekich

#1141688 - 06/10/18 04:40 PM Re: A Prayer to the World [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,980
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,980
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Deej
Quite a long lyric as said.
As a suggestion i'd cut the chorus down. I think 11 lines is a tad too many.
Good message
Best of luck with it
Travis


(C) We’ve got to set our sights
on the light shining over
all the mad things we do.
You say you’ve got your demons,
well, I’ve got demons too—
Say a prayer to the world
a prayer to the world
there’s still hope of love for me and you.


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1141889 - 06/15/18 11:29 AM Re: A Prayer to the World [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,460
Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,460
Hi Deej,

I enjoyed this thoughtful piece!

I was thinking maybe you should replace "we've got to" with "let's." "We've got to" seems a little too tense or forceful, like the singer is trying too hard to dictate how things will go.

In the first verse, I thought that the third line should have a bigger payoff than the line you have there. "We keep moving sideways/down all of these highways" .... it doesn't seem like the end result of that should be "just looking for someplace to be." It seems like if you're moving sideways down a highway, then maybe you're trying to avoid a crash, or avoid touching or, as it suggests, avoiding moving forward. I don't know ... I guess looking for someplace to be could also be the end result of that, but it seems like that third line could bring it together in a more memorable way!

Also in verse one, I think that saying we've "warred" and "battled" are the same thing, so maybe change that up a little?

I wonder, too, if the chorus should have some very subtle driving reference, since the rest of the song has driving references.

A small thing ... in verses one and two, I don't think you need the word "just" in either place.

I bet it's going to be a lovely song!

Lisa

#1141893 - 06/15/18 12:34 PM Re: A Prayer to the World [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,748
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,748
UK
Before I'd read Lisa's comment on "warred" and "battled" I thought the same thing.
A sugg below:

(V) We keep moving sideways
down all these highways
just searching for someplace to be.
Through all our travels
worn and scarred from the battles—
maybe it’s time we made our peace.

Maybe it needs a trim, maybe not. Depends how it sounds when sung.

Vic.


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.
http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold
#1141987 - 06/16/18 11:23 PM Re: A Prayer to the World [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 710
Deej56 Online content
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Deej56  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 710
Thanks, Travis, for the read and feedback. Yeah, the length of this may be an issue. I'm estimating it comes in at a tad over 4:30, and that's if I keep it moving. While what I've labelled as the chorus is 11 lines, it's actually two distinct melodies therein. That is, the first 5 lines of the chorus are almost a separate pre-chourus, I guess, if that makes sense.

Anyways, I'm inclined to lay it down musically and see how it works before cutting back on the chorus, particularly as the repetition of "prayer to the world" is kinda key, at least for me.

Appreciate the spot-on comment--I'll just have to see how it works out.

Kind regards,

Deej

#1141989 - 06/16/18 11:31 PM Re: A Prayer to the World [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 710
Deej56 Online content
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Deej56  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 710
Lisa and Vic--appreciate the comments immensely--very thoughtful!

Lisa, great comment on "we've got to" . . . I totally get what you are saying. Thing is, I think I need those three syllables, and "Let's" by itself doesn't quite work (I've actually played the song a couple of times and tried it). How about a compromise: "We ought to"? Also a great comment on "someplace to be". Not sure I've got an answer on that--maybe something I have to live with, but I'll keep giving it some thought.

Lisa and Vic: Great call on the "warred and battled" line--quite honestly, I didn't focus on the redundancy (and part of me is loathe to give it up, because it fits so well with the next line). But right is right. Vic, thanks for leading me down the right path--leaning towards "We've been scarred by our battles" or "We've scarred ourselves in our battles". I'll play with it some, but it will change when I get around to recording this.

Thanks to both of you for the thoughtful feedback. It's very much appreciated.

My best to both of you,

Deej


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