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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Joined: Dec 2016
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Something I'm still playing with and there's a word here or there I'll tweak on some of the transitions, but hoping to start recording next weekend if my days open up. Might take some time as it will have multiple vocal tracks, but would appreciate any suggestions. Thanks much all.
Sweet Lauralie
(V) There’s that rise, just past the mill, meet me at midnight— seems like years since I've held you in my arms. We could kiss under the moonlight, beneath a thousand million stars.
(PC) Don’t leave me forsaken, (just like you’ve done before); Can’t you hear my heart aching (it makes me want you more); Girl, you know I’ll be right here waiting.
(C) My sweet Lorelie (don’t you want to go). Sweet Lorelie (he won’t ever know). Between you and I, if we could run away, I know that you would say, “Okay”.
(V) All this time seems like we’re wasting all of our good years. Lord, how the days of fancy fly. Hey, pack your things, and let's get out of here. We won’t even say goodbye.
(PC) Don’t worry me minding (if you can't get away). We’ll write it off to bad timing (and plan another day). Just say the word ‘cause you know I’m all in.
(C) My sweet Lorelie (don’t you want to go). Sweet Lorelie (he won’t ever know). Between you and I, if we could run away, I’m sure that you might say, “Okay”.
(Instrumental)
(PC) Don’t leave me forsaken, (just like you’ve done before); Don’t leave my heart right here breaking (and bleeding on the floor); Rest assured that I’m still here waiting.
(C) My sweet Lorelie (don’t you want to go). Sweet Lorelie (he won’t ever know). Between you and I, if we could run away, I wonder if you’d say, “Okay”.
(c)2018 DJ Lekich
Last edited by Deej56; 04/16/18 09:24 AM.
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Joined: Jun 2005
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Deej It all flows well and the rhymes work...here comes the but...this guy sounds whiny...give her some real images to catch her attention, not vague promises. ask the ladies LOL
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Thanks, Neil. Yes, he's perhaps a bit whiny. Though I'm less concerned about that as long of the rest of it comes through. I'm curious what folks think of his relationship with the girl. And whether the lessening of his conviction through the song comes through at all. It's subtle, but any more obvious and I don't think it works (or at least, it becomes less interesting for me, and perhaps makes the singer go from whiny to creepy).
Appreciate the read and feedback, as always.
Regards,
Deej
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He does come over a bit wimpy Deej but it's a good write nontheless good story with some good lines. A rewrite will make this soar! Cheers Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Thanks, Travis. The "wimpy" aspect is somewhat intentional; but nevertheless I'm thinking I need to revisit the second verse. Thing is, I don't have a lot of real estate to change it, so word choice will be key--that might take a while. I did do a rough recording of it as is, and the harmonies are working pretty well. So I don't want to give up on this one just yet. We'll see where it goes.
Thanks for stopping in and giving this one a read. Much appreciated.
Regards,
Deej
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