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#1139174 - 03/29/18 10:17 PM Need Feedback  
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 7
JayzonJ Offline
Casual Observer
JayzonJ  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 7
Hey I've been writing songs for 7 years but I never really had any feedback on anything besides my friends. Could yall check out my songs and give me some feedback? if you like my content, could you either follow or subscribe to me.

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDGR8ehokh36ENGplzXu9MQ

SoundCloud: www.soundcloud.com/black-flame-muzik

#1139184 - 03/30/18 09:11 AM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,802
Dave Rice Online content
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Dave Rice  Online Content
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,802
Texas
Hi JayzonJ:

Welcome to JPF. I hope you will find a place here among us where you can share your music with us and take some time to hear what other songwriters and artists are doing. If you need help learning to navigate around the different forums on this great website, just ask. We have plenty of really talented folks who will gladly provide assistance, advice or a good natured poke in the ribs. I'm betting our founder, Brian Austin Whitney will be contacting you soon with his own personal welcome.

I listened to your first song on SoundCloud. As an old geezer from an entirely different culture, it would not be fair to you for me to even attempt to provide advice or critique. Although what I call RAP is evolving (like most music) I notice the main theme appears to be anger and pain. Blues (one of my favorite genres) always seems to be mostly about pain. Your vocals are good and the beat works for what I believe you are expressing.

Thanks for sharing and I hope you will enjoy participating in JPF's wealth of music related activities.

----Dave

#1139185 - 03/30/18 09:19 AM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,371
Neil Cotton Offline
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Neil Cotton  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,371
Georgetown, ON,CANADA
In MP3 section of the forum we usually post the lyrics for better understanding of your work.
The music / beats in your genre is pretty standard.

Last edited by Neil Cotton; 03/30/18 09:20 AM.
#1139205 - 03/30/18 05:58 PM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 7
JayzonJ Offline
Casual Observer
JayzonJ  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 7
This is one of my favorite songs to me.

https://soundcloud.com/da-unknown-lyricist/jayzon-l-t-m-d-ft-i-c-from-i-c

Lyrics:

Verse 1

Living in this world, trying to find which way to go
Like which way to flow, with the wind or at the bottom of the ocean floor
Don't really matter which way I try to go, there is someone always waiting to stop me
I don't plan on dropping anytime soon because of the stops thats been waiting to block me
Can anybody really stop me
Maybe, without my Father to watch me properly
Theses properties, they have found many ways to darken me
I need someone to come and harden me before the demons take over and I'm the heartless me
The one that's careless
The dark heart starts to bleed, filling me with the energy that's comsuming me
I don't wanna tell the demons they've won
And through my head, a flaming bullet from a gun
And from this beast, there's no way that I can run
So should I just turn and walk away from the sun
Man hell naw
I will always stand to fight and stand to sight and not lose my light to the darken might
I try so hard to keep the right mind and not just living just to waste my time

Hook:

Light......Darkness
Light To My Darkness (x4)

Verse 2:

You see
I've been thrown down in the dumps
I know alot of people don't really give a damn
But you can call me a man of high hopes even though most of my plans got buried under the sand
I am a dreamer
Creating these dreams so I can see her
She keeps me contained and sustained between Earth
Mentally and spiritually at the place of my birth
Keeping my rage under control and my flames are burning
Every night that I sleep, my eyes are open
I enter the realm where my thoughts are potent
Cause I am the King of the Land of Positive Omens
Inside this land see, nobody can use me
Treat me as a fool and try to confuse
I don't [naughty word removed] with anybody, I try to make truces
But truthly , I just wanna love you all like He see
People like to say that I'm crazy
I don't care what you say about me lately
Daily, I try to get away from the baby that keeps me attracted to this lady because both would love me
I wish that both would hug me, love me
I wish somebody would rub me, tug me and pull the negativity from me so I wouldn't be worried about how they hurt thee
Worldly, you know that I'm tempted lustly, untrustly
And who in this world would trust me, bust me
You wish that you were the police, boldly
You wish that you bitches could hold me down
I just wanna come into your town and show all the citizens my crown
And take away the darkness shroud so everybody could smile now

Hook

End

#1139208 - 03/30/18 09:36 PM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,107
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,107
Houston, Texas
I can't evaluate you music...don't know it...but I liked it.

The female singers could be crisper and more melodic.... I think.

Martin

#1139221 - 03/31/18 08:18 AM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Alanjack Offline
Serious Contributor
Alanjack  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Well that was different sounded okay but can't really judge has this is not a genre that I make a habit of listening to. I wish you well.


Just a writer of words
#1139308 - 04/02/18 05:58 PM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 523
BonzaiWag Offline
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BonzaiWag  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 523
Oakdale, Ca.
Very good for a first try. Hang in there J

malin


rms
#1139342 - 04/03/18 02:22 PM Re: Need Feedback [Re: BonzaiWag]  
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 7
JayzonJ Offline
Casual Observer
JayzonJ  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 7
What do you mean BonzaiWag?

#1139741 - 04/14/18 10:40 PM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 251
ejlawrence Offline
Top 500 Poster
ejlawrence  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 251
Greater Los Angeles
Jayzon, Hip-hop and Rap aren't my genre either but I believe you have to decide if you're doing this for your own enjoyment or if you're looking to be an artist or to pitch your material to artists or music libraries. From listening to your tune on YouTube, I'd look to keep the cadence more even. Because of that, in part, I couldn't catch all your sung lyrics. Even in Hip-hop and Rap, there's a hook and I couldn't seem to catch it in the tune. Keep writing as that's how all songwriters get better. Thanks for sharing.

#1139760 - 04/15/18 11:25 AM Re: Need Feedback [Re: JayzonJ]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,015
lane1777 Offline
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lane1777  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,015
south of the mason,dixon line
Hi J .. stopped in and gave this a listen thought the song was well put together, just my thought. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"

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