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#1134925 - 01/13/18 03:04 AM So She Tells Him  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Deej56 Offline
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Hi, all . . and Happy New Year!

Sorry to start out the year with a sad one, but I've taken this one as far as I can. Hope it's worth the listen.

So She Tells Him


(V) By her side, the tender heart of a soul she can’t surrender.
In his eyes, reflections of fading memories.
Still he talks of younger days,
about a girl he loved back when;
and he wonders where she’s gone—
and so she tells him.

(V) Separate lives, the one he’s got and the one he can’t remember.
Endless nights, she sings the song he always loved to hear.
And he tries to sing along,
just the way he always did,
but he wonders how it goes—
and so she tells him.

(B) And the pictures on the wall
tell of loves and lives of kin—
their only child they lost in Vietnam.
So she worries when she’s gone
who’s gonna take care of him,
‘cause her time’s near run,
and she don’t have very long.

(V) By her side, on the frozen ground of a cold and wet December;
in his eyes, reflections of the rose upon the grave—
As he stares down at the stone,
a tear rolls from his chin,
and he wonders who she was—
and so I tell him.

(c)2018 DJ Lekich

Last edited by Deej56; 01/13/18 03:50 PM.
#1134927 - 01/13/18 09:02 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Vicarn Online content
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Beautiful lyric about what appears to be that curse of old age.
I love a sad one.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.
http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold
#1134930 - 01/13/18 09:34 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Neil Cotton Offline
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I like story songs.
The first line does not want me to hear more...It is convoluted, unclear
try...
(V) By her side, he's her heart and soul she can’t surrender.

The music fits with the story

#1134934 - 01/13/18 10:58 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Deej:

I read the lyric first, then listened. It is a stunning lyric and story. Of course it's sad... but then, if one considers his/her own eventual outcome... in that context... life is sad. The melody is fine but... to my ancient ears, you may want to find a way to soften the vocal... almost to a whisper. I have a similar vocal delivery and don't know about your studio options or resources... so it may be impractical for you to re-cut the song. Please don't take my thoughts to be negative. I think you are holding a gem in your capable song-writing hands. You may want to consider having a demo produced. We have people here who can do that for you promptly and inexpensively. Feel free to PM me if you care to explore options... and I'm not part of the solution... only an interested bystander. Thanks for sharing this lovely song. ----Dave

#1134940 - 01/13/18 01:36 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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TC Perkins Offline
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Virginia
Melancholy 1+1 with a vocal that reminds me a bit of John Prine.

The song is good and the performance sounds okay. The lyrics are well conceived.

The good thing about the EQ is that the vocal and the guitar certainly don't fight over real estate. However, the vocal needs more warmth and the guitar needs more highs. As it is, the guitar is very muffled and background sounding. The guitar leans left and would sound much better centered with a wider stereo sound. The vocals in the center were fine.

With a couple tweaks, this would sound really good.

Peace,
TC


If it has strings I will find a way to play it!

You can hear my tunes at https://soundcloud.com/tc-gypsy
#1134944 - 01/13/18 03:53 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Thanks Vic and Neil for listening.

Neil, I hear you on the first line and think I got similar feedback when I posted the lyrics to the forum. I have played with it some (a love she can't surrender, a man she can't surrender), but kept coming back to what I started with. Your suggestion is a fine one (though it doesn't quite fit the melody) and I may play with it some more. Appreciate the feedback much.

Regards to you both,

Deej

#1134945 - 01/13/18 04:04 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Dave,

I hope you know I wouldn't take any feedback from folks on this board as negative. Everyone has been nothing but helpful and supportive--so no worries there. And if fact, you are spot on. This isn't really a tune suited for my voice. I sing at one volume--loud! smile And while I wish I could soften my voice at times, it sadly is what it is. For some songs it works OK, but this would benefit from a less, umm, harsh sounding, much softer vocal.

Taking your and TC's comments below I tried to adjust the audio a bit using my novice GarageBand skills. Though I'm not sure it makes much more of a difference, I reposted the song with the newer version. Again, it's a bit beyond my talents to do much more with this.

I haven't considered going the demo route with anything I've done to this point. I just don't consider much of what I've written as quite good enough to engage in that way . . . yet. But I'm going to keep at it, so maybe tomorrow's the day I write a number one hit! smirk

Hope all is well with you. Really appreciate your input.

Deej

#1134946 - 01/13/18 04:08 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Hey, TC,

Thanks for dropping in and taking the time to listen and comment. As you'll see in my note to Dave above, I totally agree on the vocal. "Warmth" is not a word anyone would ever use to describe my voice :), and I agree it's not really suited for this tune. With your suggestions in mind, I did play around with it a bit and then reposted a new version. Not sure it's any better, but tried to soften the vocal as much as I could with limited skills.

Appreciate the feedback and hope you are enjoying your weekend.

All the best,

Deej

#1134970 - 01/13/18 08:21 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Beautiful song, Deej. And well suited to a sparse production of guitar and vocal.

I wonder what a female vocal would sound like on this. There is really nothing that locks the gender...

Scott

#1134999 - 01/14/18 03:52 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Nelson Offline
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Your work is always worth the listen, Deej.
Beautiful vocals and lovely progression and guitar work.


"Dig my imaginary...... Baaand Maaan"
#1135022 - 01/15/18 12:03 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Scott Campbell]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Scott, thanks for the listen. You know, when Dave Rice made the comment about going softer (and I knew that 's beyond my vocal abilities), the thought of having a female vocal came to mind. You're right--it's a gender neutral tune and maybe that's the way to go. Great suggestion. Now I just need to find someone who's up for giving it a go. I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks again.

Kindest regards,

Deej

#1135023 - 01/15/18 12:11 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Nelson]  
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Nelson,

Appreciate the kind comments. That you think what I put up here is always worth a listen . . . well, it's nice to hear (as I don't alway think so). I wish I could have done this song a bit more justice--but I've gotten some great feedback from everyone, which is really helpful. Thanks for stopping in and giving this one a listen.

All the best,

Deej

#1135033 - 01/15/18 01:53 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Paul Churchfield Offline
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Nashville, TN
Deej,

I also like the sparse arrangement.
It suits the song, sad and melancholoy.
An old couple, he's got alzheimer's and she worries about leaving him behind.
Sad indeed but nicely done.

Thanks for sharing,
Paul

#1135217 - 01/19/18 12:18 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Paul Churchfield]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Appreciate the kind comments, Paul. Glad the story came through, which was my aim.

All the best,

Deej

#1135233 - 01/19/18 05:37 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2002
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Calvin Offline
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Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hello Deej,

Well written with a very nice delivery.
First of all, the way I sound - WHO AM I to ever say ANYTHING about another persons vocals.
At the start of the song, the vocal was a bit harsh to me and as I eased into the song I was ok with the way you sounded.
I think you did a nice job, & I'm glad I listened.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1135253 - 01/19/18 02:17 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Deej,

I'm noticing a consistent pattern of a warm, sincere shade of literacy that runs through your work that puts it in the same category lyric-wise (if we must categorize) as folks like Townes Van Zandt and yes Prine, and this is one of the finer examples of that from you.

This is a song to cherish and listen to again and again cuz it reveals more with each listening. It seems every word and phrase was wrought with much care and attention.

Your mixes are improving. I can understand how your voice might be hard to mix well, but don't fret cuz you are a truly gifted singer and the rest will come in time.

Love this.. smile

Mike


Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1135324 - 01/20/18 11:31 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Calvin]  
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Calvin,

Thanks for the encouraging words. The thing with vocals is that a voice should fit the tune. I'm my harshest judge--but, trust me, my vocal here is not the worst I've laid down. But I agree with all the feedback above--it needs to be softer. I did try to re-do the vocal . . . well, not so bad, but not good enough to share. I'll keep working it.

And, BTW you're being a bit modest on your vocals. Songs fit the singer. And yours fit you perfectly.

Best regards,

Deej

#1135325 - 01/20/18 11:48 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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Mike,

Those are very kind and encouraging words--I take them to heart. And thanks for appreciating the care taken on the lyrics. I can't say I'm as thoughtful with every lyric I write, but a bit more so on this one. For the most part, I've a rationale for why I use the words I do on a particular line. It may not work for others, but it seems right for me . . . at least when I'm writing it. I imagine it may be similar for you with your work on demos (which, by the way, your excel at): Others may disagree with your choices and the final outcome, but I'm betting you have very specific reasons for making the choices you do. Perhaps the burden of the artist?

All the best, Mike, and thanks again for the feedback.

Deej

#1135374 - 01/22/18 12:23 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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E Swartz Offline
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Deej,

What a bittersweet song. You've told your story very well and have a gift with capturing our empathy for this poor lost soul. Yes there certainly are things you can do with the production for some sonic improvements, but more importantly is the quality of the the song IMO. I'd rather hear a very good song in more raw form than a mediocre song well produced--and you sir, have a very good song here. You also have some good tips above, no need for me to reiterate those sugs or nits, but your song is worth IMO seeking to perhaps make some production tweaks yourself or with others to help.

What a great listen and awesome lyrics!

steady-eddie

#1135380 - 01/22/18 09:44 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Martin Lide Online content
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Happy New Year DJ,

You know that I like your voice and your music.
But not this one so much.

If I'm understanding the song correctly, it is a lovely vignette about the effects of dementia on an elderly couple who have been together almost all of their lives...and I enjoyed reading it.

To my ear...there is too much urgency and drama in your vocal for the message being delivered. It is distracting from the story.

With age, I've become increasingly reluctant to say anything negative about someone's songs, but in your case, your talent level is such that I figured you'd rather I be honest.

Regards,

Martin

#1135407 - 01/22/18 11:10 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: E Swartz]  
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Thanks, Eddie, for your feedback. I wish I could do more on the production--just beyond my skill set and, as noted, this song--like a few others I have written--just doesn't suit my voice. But I'm happy, not withstanding, that the lyrics resonated for you. As you note, and particularly for an amateur like me, if the song has at least some merit despite the troubled production, well, that's a good thing, I think. Appreciate you stopping by, giving this a listen, and sharing your thoughts. I keep learning from all of you.

All the best,

Deej

#1135408 - 01/22/18 11:25 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Martin Lide]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Martin,

A Happy New Year to you as well, my friend! You should never feel reluctant to be honest with me. If I have a problem with honesty, and am just looking for someone to pat me on the back and say how great I am--well, then I have no business posting on this board. You've been gracious with your praise on some of my efforts. I'd be the worse for being ungracious when you care less for others.

Based on the above, it seems the lyrics have some potential for you, but the production and performance, not so much. I agree. The song requires a softer voice, if it's to work at all. That ain't me. Actually, I re-did the vocal over the weekend--trying to soften--almost whisper (fat chance)--the vocal. It was better, but not where it needs to be. So I'll file this away, and maybe someday someone better will want to give it a go.

Sadly, I've got a handful of songs that I know fall into a similar pocket. In fact, "I'm Already There," which I just posted to the Lyrics3 forum, is another one. Hated my vocal on my first go. Tried again, with the feedback on this song in mind, and it was better. Good enough to post? Not sure. But at some point.

If I do, I expect and appreciate that you will be as honest with me as you have always been. I'll try to do the same in turn, in hopes that we can each make each other better in what we aim to do. And isn't that the whole point of posting here?

With my kindest regards, Martin.

Deej

#1135437 - 01/23/18 12:41 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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DJ,

You’ve written a poignant and emotional song that picks up on a scenario that is more and more common - the journey of seniors with dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s something that has touched most people’s lives in some way and will continue to do so as we live longer and longer lives, at least until the disease can be cured.

The song tells a story that lends itself to a music video. I could see it being used by the Alzheimer’s Association or other similar groups in commercial campaigns to raise funds or simply promote general awareness among those with aging parents and grandparents. By hopefully gaining some emotional foothold in the matter, they could influence people to treat aging seniors more humanely, whether their parents or not.

The melody, harmony, and even simplified form bring 90s Rock and Alternative to mind, which is making a nostalgic resurgence as children of the 90s like myself make their way into mid-life, and as many teens seek out authentic music that has to some degree stood the test of time yet appeals to modern ears. This musical setting places the story firmly in the view of non-senior bystanders. Also, the accented pickup notes in the melody on beat 4 at the beginning of the first two phrases of each verse ("By her", "In his", etc.) serve as a great device to ground the song and give it character.

The lyrics are understandable yet have an eloquence to their language. The repetition of telling the man the answers to his confusion is key to the song and key to the medical condition. It provides veracity. Anyone who has spent time around such patients knows the countless repetition that takes place in response to questions asked. Paired with a pause beforehand, the lyrics present what is easily considered by caretakers to be a maddening nuisance as a kind and gentle act of service to the suffering.

I disagree with criticism of the first line (“...tender heart of a soul…”). I love the slight obscurity here. Things don’t always need to be spelled out. In this case as the first line of a song, it draws me in to search for more meaning. And as the song is re-listened to, it will continue to hook the listener yet with more familiarity. The first line of a song is important, and this one makes a statement! It presents the crux of the problem paired with the underlying emotion.

The end of a song is equally important. Having the lyrics reveal the storyteller in the last line is a wonderful dramatic tool that lends itself better to song than probably any other artform. You’ve used it tastefully.

Regarding the music/ lyrics:

Nice soft intro on guitar.I feel it is missing a much needed picked “a” (pitch) before the vocals come in. Or, a D chord could be strummed right before the vocals (without adding any more beats).

On the first two words of “By her side”, “In his eyes”, etc., I would love to hear f# and then e in quarter notes on the guitar for harmony rather than playing the d and c of the melody. You could also add an a moving to g below the f# to e so that you are playing descending 6ths before you hit your G major chord on the last word. It's just a great opportunity for parallel motion in non-5th intervals. The suspended chords in the verse are quite nice.

The picked guitar notes after “wonder where she’s gone” need a little cleaning up to stay in time. You could possibly use an extra 4 beats before the bridge to create a little more release (“And the pictures on the wall”).

The reference to a child lost in Vietnam is a bit too literal to my taste and may limit your audience. Maybe consider somehow conveying that the child died in war/ battle more generically. And perhaps it wasn’t their only child. That leaves room for remaining siblings - perhaps the individual who is telling the story and ends up standing by the man’s side at the end of the song.

Nicely placed ritardando at the end of the piece.

Regarding the production:

There is a somewhat strange wobble in guitar, maybe caused by the particular echo used. It is most evident as the very last chords trail away. Probably not a huge deal.

I disagree strongly with remarks calling for a softer vocal! For kids of the 90s who grew up listening to Axl Rose, Kurt Cobain, and Billie Joe Armstrong, the vocal resonates! There is no reason that a “rocker” can’t sing a ballad. “Power ballads” were more a thing of the 80s, while the 90s grew into more introspective-sounding rock ballads like yours, such as “Good Riddance” by Green Day.

I believe that your type of vocal paired with fingerstyle guitar is exactly the delivery needed for this song to make an impact on an audience of 40-somethings to get them to think about the very real possibility of what not many care to consider - losing their parents bit by bit. You could always experiment with adding a subtle bass line, electric or acoustic.

Thanks for sharing and good luck!

Maroon

#1135582 - 01/25/18 07:36 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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David Snyder Online content
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I would not be so quick to downplay this mix.

Lo fi is really in for a lot of indie film stuff and there is something about this mix I actually really liked.

For example, if someone said:

"Scene: Kurt Cobain type character in apartment in dirty sweater recording the first take of a new song while his girlfriend is passed out, need authentic Nirvana sounding outtake that is painful but not overproduced..."

....they would take this in a heartbeat.

Because it would be perfect.

Some people work hard all day trying to get the garage band sound and they can't do it right. Don't underestimate yourself. This has a power all of its own.


David Snyder, Composer, Author
Singer-Songwriter, Producer
Regional Chapter Coordinator, NSAI
www.davidsnydermusic.com
www.reverbnation.com/davidpsnyder
#1135646 - 01/26/18 11:30 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Maroon_Corey]  
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Maroon,

Gee, where to begin. I'm amazed at the depth of your feedback on so many songs that I've seen posted to this website--always thoughtful, respectful, incredibly helpful, and even where constructive criticism is proffered, fair and balanced. No exception here, and I'm very appreciative of the time you took on your reply to my song.

You've given me some great feedback here. I confess some of it may be beyond me. I'm not a schooled or even natural musician, so I don't understand the science or mathematics of music. Just play some chords, string some words to it, and . . . something. So when you speak of descending 6ths and non-5th intervals--well, picture a chimpanzee trying to understand algebra. A little over my head. But I'm going to mess around with some of the complimentary chords in the spots you suggest. Will let you know how they go.

Timing on my playing is a common theme on a lot of the stuff I posted on this board. Just attributable to my rudimentary skills--appreciate you pointing that out, and something I will pay more attention to if and when I re-record this. As for the wobble, I'm using an "Old Time Tremolo" sound in Garage Band as a backing track--that's likely what you are hearing and it stands out on the finish.

Regarding the lyrics: I'm torn on the first line, because I understand how people may react to it being too poetic, perhaps. But "soul" to me, feels deeper, more affectionate, more personal. It's not just the heart of a man, it's the heart of her soul mate--her own being. So I appreciate your comments--helps make me feel I'm not so off-base.

I understand your reaction to the "Vietnam" reference--quite honestly, it just fit the rhyme scheme; your perspective is warranted, but it's a trade-off I'm OK making. Your comment about maybe it not being their only child is interesting, only because I changed that line given feedback in the L3 forum. The original version didn't specify "only child". Maybe something for me to reconsider.

Lastly, the vocal. I don't disagree with you all. Ironically, I re-recorded the vocal over this past weekend trying to soften my voice as much as I could and still stay in tune. Side by side, I think this version is better . . . as sung by me. I'd still be curious to see how it sounds softer. But it's going to need someone other than me to make it work.

That said, really appreciate your support on the vocal. I don't think you were suggesting I'm in the ballpark with the singers you reference, but I'll settle for being in a neighboring country . . . or galaxy, as the case may be!

Sorry for the long response to your feedback--just wanted to let you know I appreciated every morsel of it.

All the best,

Deej

#1135647 - 01/26/18 11:42 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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David,

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm just starting to "put myself out there" as they say--and even then, anonymously. So your kind words on a piece where I'm not quite sure I delivered on the mix and vocal--well, it's very appreciated. It's really representative of the quality of people we have on this board.

For the record, I don't record in a dirty sweater, I don't live in a grungy apartment, and, for better or worse, no one's passed out (on drugs, alcohol or otherwise). Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong!!

Kindest regards,

Deej

#1135807 - 01/29/18 03:38 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi, Deej,

I appreciate the kind words and am very glad you found the remarks helpful!

No worries about a lack of "book knowledge". Some of the best musicians and songwriters had little to none. Goodness knows that my regular bass player would be hard pressed to read sheet music, but can play circles around me all night! To a degree, I think that music theory just serves as a way to communicate the nuts and bolts of music and to help us understand what made a piece of music sound the way it did and produce the effect it did.

When talking about the harmonic interval of a 6th, I just mean two notes played together that are 9 half-steps apart (9 frets on the fretboard). Parallel motion just means that the notes move together, as opposed to contrary motion. J.S. Bach was the first composer who seemed to make it a rule never to use parallel motion with 4ths and 5ths such as an b with an e moving to a c# with an f#. This is because it is a more harsh sound that really stands out. Of course, we love hearing the moving root-5's that started with bands like the Kinks, Sabbath, and Deep Purple as Bach rolls in his grave ;-)

Yeah, the timing is a bigger issue when you start to add other instruments, so not as big of a deal here. Sometimes, all it takes is practicing with a metronome app that accents beat 1, whether or not you use it when you record. Sounds like the tremolo was what you were wanting to hear and I really only noticed it at the end.

I believe your instinct served you well on that first line and I understand about the rhyme scheme. My composition teacher's main motto was that "composition is compromise". Sounds like maybe an only child was suggested for heightened emotional response? I do think it would be a bit more open without it.

Glad to hear you are sticking with your regular voice, so to speak. I could hear it sung with a softer voice. To my own taste, though, that might even become overly melodramatic, although there is definitely an audience for that - perhaps just as large or larger. I guess it depends on who you see as your audience.

I just think that there is something touching about a voice that is a little on the hard side singing something of a tender nature. And yeah, you are at least in a neighboring country!

No apologies for length required. As you can tell, I'm not abbreviating much!

Maroon

#1135849 - 01/30/18 06:36 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Excellent lyric as someone also commented.
A great sound all round Deej
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1135925 - 01/31/18 01:55 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Travis,

Thanks for stopping in. Coming from you, a compliment on the lyrics makes my day! I'm happy it was hopefully worth the listen.

All the best,

Deej

#1135942 - 01/31/18 05:22 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Deej.

I think the song is great.
The lyrics ring true to situations in my life.
I like the vocal as is but to experiment would try the guitar as sweet and soft as possible
and the voice a little broken and out of control to add drama.
I am no expert.

Cheers.

#1135987 - 01/31/18 03:42 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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south of the mason,dixon line
wonderful write Deej, I truly love the performance in this, in the end I can`t think of anything more frighting then not remembering the beginning or forgetting the end. in this song the ending made me think of that...I am thankful I remember all still.

again really good work. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"
#1136094 - 02/02/18 02:00 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks RichMac and Lane for the kind words and support. Appreciate the listen and the time you've taken to comment.

All the best,

Deej

#1136729 - 02/10/18 04:59 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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I really enjoyed this. Going in the first few lines I wasn't too sure what it was about, but as I realized, the song became more compelling. I was surprised at how powerful the simple line "and so she tells him" became once I realized what the song was about. When simple words can create an emotional tug, that's always a good thing.

Two suggestions:

It would be nice if the picture became clear a little bit sooner, so that first "and so she tells him" can have more impact. My first thought is, since the next line starts with "in his eyes" it would be good if the first line was "By her side, he..." and gives an instant image of her by his side (which the first line doesn't do now). So something like, "By her side, he sits and stares at a photo of them together" (better worded of course). You could then move the first line to the end and it would have more impact.

On the last verse, this is just me but I'm not a big fan of surprise endings. The jump from the song being about her telling him things to her in the grave (and introducing a new character on the very last line) feels like too much of a surprise for me. Also, to be honest, with their “only child” lost in Vietnam, it wasn’t at all clear who the “I” was in the last verse.

What I'd love to see instead is to flip the focus from ‘his’ wondering in the first two verses (“he wonders where she’s gone”, “he wonders how it goes”) to ‘her’ wondering. To me the killer close would be something like “she wonders if he knows that she still loves him…and so she tells him”.

I think you still retain all the emotional impact of “she don’t have very long” without having that literally happen at the end, maybe more so in fact.

Really strong song with incredible potential!

..ant


Stream my album "Out On The Road" at Spotify, Soundcloud and Apple Music.
#1136841 - 02/12/18 12:04 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: ant]  
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Ant,

Thanks for stopping in. These are some great suggestions. Yeah, I’m getting a love/hate vibe with the first line. I keep bouncing back and forth—I’ll keep giving it some more thought.

Regarding the last verse, I get a listener would wonder who the singer is. As I mentioned above in reply to Maroon, I changed the lyric based on feedback in the Lyrics 3 forum from “of a child” to “their only child”. I’m pretty sure, based on his and your feedback, that I’ll change it back—as it opens the possibility that the singer is a son or daughter.

But to be honest, as the writer of the song, to me, it didn’t matter much who the singer is. It could be a caretaker, nurse, priest, whomever—the image of him beside her grave, grieving in his way though still not remembering who she is, captures, all least to me, the devastating nature of dementia. It’s what I was shooting for.

The suggestions you offer are provoking; and if you and I had sat down to write this way back before I started, i think it would have have been a different—and maybe an even better song. Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback, Ant. i can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

All the best,

Deej

#1136897 - 02/12/18 09:45 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej,

A very thoughtful, thought-provoking lyric. Powerful.

Beautiful performance, too.

fj

#1136995 - 02/13/18 12:16 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: floyd jane]  
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Thanks, fj,

Still feel like I'm a newbie here and pretty much out of my league--so it's nice to have someone of your caliber chime in. I appreciate the feedback a ton.

All the best,

Deej

#1137022 - 02/13/18 07:10 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Really like this ... the lyrics are top notch and the minimalist arrangement works well with your voice.

Kevin

#1137027 - 02/13/18 09:33 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks, Kevinism--appreciate the kind comments.

Regards,

Deej

#1137062 - 02/13/18 06:53 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Janice & Bud Offline
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That lyric is mesmerizing in a good way. And the vocal is almost hypnotic leaving the listener fully engaged.

I agree with David's comments...this sounds like the rolling credits at the end of a good cable series.

Nice!

J&B


Never grow up...it's a trap!
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#1137200 - 02/15/18 12:30 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks, J&B,

It's kind of you to listen and comment. I don't think anyone has ever described anything I've posted on JPF as both mesmerizing and hypnotic . . . but, you know what, I'll take it, gladly. Appreciate your chiming in on this one.

All the best,

Deej


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