this was so rough, re-working the song and a possible lyric change...thanks to you all for coming by and commenting, and your thoughts..Lane

Hey Man I loved this just the way it is.....Very good Song. The drum beat was infectious and mesmerizing....

thanks Barry, its so damn rough, but I liked the idea...didn`t have anything close to this so I thought i`d try.
i`ll get over and comment on your last post. Have a good day. Lane

I don't think rough is a bad thing. When a million people are writing songs if we don't do something different and outside the box we have NOOOOO Chance to stand out. I wrote this song with just a drum and bass called Bee Bop To Hip Hop....Being on of the pack is a dead end......https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-EWTlIbTrU

I like what you are trying to do...i think it would benefit from more rhymes...dig deeper to keep the meaning but with rhyme.

I`m working on this Neil, getting a few ideas and then I`ll re-write.. thanks so much for commenting. Lane

glad to help if I can.

Lane,

Like Barry, I love the drum beat on this one--it could carry this song emotionally on its own. Yeah, the lyrics can use some tweaking, but you are on the right track. Will look forward to hearing this as it develops.

All the best, kind sir,

Deej

hi Deej

I wrote a couple of free-verse lines, and I got to looking a little deeper, the photos I came up with
enticed me to write a little more, and find something a little primitive, tribal for the photos. a drum.
I`m working on this D I kinda like it. Its a little diff for me. thanks so much D for coming by and commenting and listening..

This is a fine start to something.
Love the basics.

Vic

Hey! Cool to hear something a little different here on the boards. I LOVE the beat! It's very hypnotic and I actually like the lyrics as they are. I do think that the timing could be a little different on some of the lines. It seemed like you rushed a little through the first time you sang "isn't that men being men." And it would be cool to hear maybe a synth or some other instrument behind you just to break it up a little and not make it too monotonous.

But other than that, I think you have a good start and I look forward to hearing this develop! Thanks for sharing!

Hi Vic,
thanks for stopping in and commenting, I`fixing this up, and I`ll
get it back as soon as I make progress on it. Lane

Hi Cecilee

your so right, I`m not much of a singer, and I didn`t want to put a lot of effort in this just showing the lyric. I have
a friend that says the same thing about the writing. I don`t sing this loud enough, and I miss some of the words..
a word or two I need to drop too. hopefully it comes together..thanks so much Cecilee for commenting and listening..
Lane