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In which person should I write this . To the woman or the audience
Now They’re (She’s) Haunting Me (Neil Cotton)
I stay away from our favorite beach Go places where we didn’t eat All is good think I’m in control Then feel bad cause I ‘m all alone
I try my best to lay you (her) to rest. With nothing left and needing a lift I raise your (her) memories Now they’re (she’s) haunting me. Ya I raise your (her) memories Now they’re (she’s) haunting me.
I move around hope pain will fade But as a cure it doesn’t take Tears blind me but you’re (she’s) still seen Where I go you’re (she’s) always with me
I try my best to lay you (her) to rest. With nothing left and needing a lift I raise your (her) memories Now they’re (she’s) haunting me. Ya I raise your (her) memories Now they’re (she’s) haunting me.
You (she) didn’t pass away But my world died Is there a ghost of chance My heart can say good-bye
I try my best to lay you (her) to rest. With nothing left and needing a lift I raise your (her) memories Now they’re (she’s) haunting me. Ya I raise your (her) memories Now they’re (she’s) haunting me.
Last edited by Neil Cotton; 01/16/18 01:06 PM.
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I prefer the personal: the audience can associate. I'm a little confused as I thought she was dead, but you say she didn't pass away. Like the lyric!
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thanks Mike...the confusion was intentional...there should be a twist, right? LOL
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Hi Neil,
I think either POV can work, and personally kind of like “her” if I am watching the person perform it. Tough call though! I’m having a little trouble with “I raise your (her) memories” lines. If memories was singular, “I raise your [her] memory” that makes more sense to me. The plural "your (her) memories" makes it sound like they are the memories SHE has, rather than the person telling the story. That's how I interpret it anyway. Or maybe try “I raise our memories”.
Good rhymes and some open, emotional lines that should make a moving song.
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Neil,
I think either POV can work, and personally kind of like “her” if I am watching the person perform it. Tough call though! I’m having a little trouble with “I raise your (her) memories” lines. If memories was singular, “I raise your [her] memory” that makes more sense to me. The plural "your (her) memories" makes it sound like they are the memories SHE has, rather than the person telling the story. That's how I interpret it anyway. Or maybe try “I raise our memories”.
Good rhymes and some open, emotional lines that should make a moving song.
Kristi Good points Kristi...thanks.
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Works better in the first person but it's a bit of a downer for someone to sing. I think maybe a portion of hope for the future in a bridge or outro?
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Works better in the first person but it's a bit of a downer for someone to sing. I think maybe a portion of hope for the future in a bridge or outro? You are right Travis.... You didn’t pass away But my world died I hold a ghost of hope My heart can say good-bye
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Neil,
Like Kristi, I think there's a fine song in these lyrics. And I'm also indifferent as to point of view--I can see it working either way. But it seems odd to sing to someone who is dead, so while I appreciate the twist you were going for, I'm in 9ne's camp on the confusion, and would suggest you go one way or the other. I'm less concerned about there needing to be some ray of hope introduced into the song. I think this can work as is, though perhaps sub what seems like the third verse for a bridge.
Hope this is helpful; if not, disregard as you see fit.
All the best,
Deej
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Neil,
Like Kristi, I think there's a fine song in these lyrics. And I'm also indifferent as to point of view--I can see it working either way. But it seems odd to sing to someone who is dead, so while I appreciate the twist you were going for, I'm in 9ne's camp on the confusion, and would suggest you go one way or the other. I'm less concerned about there needing to be some ray of hope introduced into the song. I think this can work as is, though perhaps sub what seems like the third verse for a bridge.
Hope this is helpful; if not, disregard as you see fit.
All the best,
Deej Thanks Deej...I feel there needs to be a change here some how...maybe rearrange some lines...same a thought I work check out.
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She’s Haunting Me (Neil Cotton)
I stay away from our favorite beach I go places where we didn’t eat All is good think I’m in control Then feel bad cause I ‘m all alone
I try my best to get over it When nothing’s left when I need a lift I raise her memories Now she’s haunting me. I raise her memories Now she’s haunting me.
I move around hope pain will fade But as a cure it doesn’t take Tears blind me but I still can see She’s with him and that’s killing me
I try my best to get over it But nothing’s left and needing a lift I raise her memories Now she’s haunting me. Ya I raise her memories Now she’s haunting me.
I pray to be ghost free Stop her haunting me.
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