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#1135044 - 01/15/18 02:28 PM Lonely Room  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Louisiana
Lonely Room

You can plant roses in my heart but it wouldn't matter
Cause when you leave me the thorns would draw blood forever after
And the rains only nourish the sorrow that only blooms
Day after day,in my lonely room

You can paint a rainbow in the sky so beautifully formed
But when you leave me in an instant i can't weather the storm
And the never ending lightning flash and the rolling thunder's boom
Rattles my heart,in my lonely room

In my lonely room,it's never easy
You come and you go,it only scares me
In my lonely room,here all alone
Wondering how to stay,when you're gone
In my lonely room

No matter the situation we have it's like a puzzle in the dark
A piece goes missing it's always the piece leading to your heart
I feel you're cheating at this game and i find out much later than soon
At my time of thoughts,in my lonely room

In my lonely room,it's never easy
You come and you go,it only scares me
In my lonely room,here all alone
Wondering how to stay,when you're gone
In my lonely room
In my lonely room
In my lonely room

#1135273 - 01/20/18 12:08 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
USA
Hi Mike,

So much imagery in these lines! Really quite lovely. The line with "soon" in that last verse may need a rethink to make it conversational. But the emotion is all there and you repeat the hook to drive home the empty, lonely feelings. Really well-written!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#1135274 - 01/20/18 12:38 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,259
Barry David Butler (D) Offline
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Barry David Butler (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,259
Sebring, Florida USA
Beautiful and Sad.
It's funny as we must be on the same melancholy wave length tonight. I just wrote this ten minutes ago.....


"What Can I Do"
A Little prose from me late tonight. (This is Fiction)

What can you do
If you can't get along
What can you do
If you don't sing the same song

What can you do
When you don't feel you belong
What can you do
When nobody's right and nobody's wrong

I guess you just do your best
And let the chips fall where they may
Tomorrow is coming soon
And with it a brand new day

So I'm tired and ready for sleep
Or maybe just lay down and weep
I'll give another try tomorrow
Yes I have to go to sleep.

Yes MUST SLEEP....B

Mike your Story is really wonderful...I felt it all in my heart....B

#1135286 - 01/20/18 08:34 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,593
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,593
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Quite wordy Mike without a hope for the future. I think maybe a glimmer of hope?
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1135336 - 01/20/18 11:44 PM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,064
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,064
Mike,

There's so much to like about this one. Some beautiful lines and imagery. In particular, my favorite; "And the rains only nourish the sorrow that only blooms"--just killer. And I like the structure of how each verse finishes on the refrain of "lonely room". I think there's some opportunity for refinement of language, which could take this from the really great to the truly awesome--e.g., I don't think the third verse is a tight and consistent with theme as the first two. But of course, just my humble opinion.

This is a terrific start to something really good. Will look forward to hearing it.

All the best,

Deej

#1135425 - 01/23/18 09:08 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Louisiana
Hello Kristi,thanks for giving this a bit of your time. Mike

#1135426 - 01/23/18 09:09 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Louisiana
Thanks Barry,hangin' ten on the wavelength! Mike

#1135427 - 01/23/18 09:10 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Louisiana
Hi Travis,yep,all hope is lost here,no heroes in this story.Mike

#1135428 - 01/23/18 09:12 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Michael LeBlanc Offline
Top 10 Poster
Michael LeBlanc  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Louisiana
Hey Deej,i appreciate your visit and thoughts on this one.First write so could be changes ahead. Mike

#1135436 - 01/23/18 11:33 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,151
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,151
UK
Very sad Mike, but then I like sad.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1135487 - 01/24/18 12:39 PM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,314
Louisiana
Hey Vic,good to see ya.Thanks for the time.Mike

#1137154 - 02/14/18 09:27 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Alanjack Offline
Serious Contributor
Alanjack  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Just the word soon at the end of the line seems a bit odd although I don't know what you would replace it with to rhyme with room, everything else is wonderful.


Just a writer of words
#1137155 - 02/14/18 09:28 AM Re: Lonely Room [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Alanjack Offline
Serious Contributor
Alanjack  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Just the word soon at the end of the line seems a bit odd although I don't know what you would replace it with to rhyme with room, everything else is wonderful.


Just a writer of words

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