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#1132359 - 11/11/17 10:52 AM Farm Girl in the Straw  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 7,241
couchgrouch Online content
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couchgrouch  Online Content
Top 30 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 7,241
cochise, az, usa
Farm Girl in the Straw ©2017 Robert George BMI

Well, that Chevy over-heated
Just outside her dusty farm
I was fifty miles from Little Rock,
And I held that shiny Glock like a lucky charm

She was hoein’ by the fence line
When I walked up to the gate
She looked kindly on a stranger’s plight,
Told me I could stay the night cos it was getting’ late

Said I’d better sleep out in the barn
Cos she lived with her old granpa
So I propped my head against a wagon-wheel
And with one eye on the road across the field
I dreamt about the long arm of the law
And a farm girl in the straw

It was sometime after midnight
When I saw her silhouette
She was backlit by an amber moon
And we shared a kiss I wouldn’t soon forget

With a wink she said to watch the noise
Cos she lived with her old granpa
O the southern wind was blowin’ cool n soft
As we climbed the ladder to the loft
There’s no tellin’ how much the scarecrow saw
Of the farm girl in the straw

Come the dawn I kissed her deep and said I had to go
Fixed the car and drove it ninety into Mexico
I was wanted for a bank job back in Arkansas
But I couldn’t forget the farm girl in the straw

She almost didn’t recognize me
With that scruffy beard I’d grown
But an untamed flame will always burn
And she was sure that I’d return for the seeds I’d sown

Now her granpa’s restin’ with the Lord
And I’ve learned to live within the law
There’s a bag of hundreds hidden in the barn
Come the spring a baby blessed the farm
And to this day I am still in awe
Of the farm girl in the straw

#1134690 - 01/08/18 09:56 AM Re: Farm Girl in the Straw [Re: couchgrouch]  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 377
Cecilee Offline
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Cecilee  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 377
Norfolk, VA
Since no one has commented yet, I thought I'd be the first then. smile

I thought you had a good story here and I enjoyed reading it! It definitely has a country/folk feel to it, if that's what you're going for. smile

I did think that some of the lines were a bit wordy, but that could just be my own lyrical style coming through (I tend to prefer shorter lines in my work so I'm not cramming in too many words into too little space when I sing them).

For example, in the first two verses:

Well, that Chevy over-heated
Just outside her dusty farm
Fifty miles from Little Rock,
Shiny Glock my lucky charm


She was hoein’ by the fence
When I walked to the gate
Looking at my stranger's plight,
Told me I could stay, it was late

Said I’d better sleep out in the barn
Cos she lived with her old granpa
Propped my head on a wagon-wheel
Then eyed the road across the field
Dreamt about the long arm of the law
And a farm girl in the straw

Sometime after midnight
I saw her silhouette
Backlit by an amber moon
Shared a kiss I won't forget

Just some suggestions, feel free to take or leave. smile Thought I'd comment since no one else had!


English/French piano/electronic singer/songwriter from Virginia. Influences include Charlotte Martin, Kate Bush, Pet Shop Boys, and Mylčne Farmer.

http://cecilee.bandcamp.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/cecileeprojects

New album Rendezvous on Bandcamp!
#1134700 - 01/08/18 01:43 PM Re: Farm Girl in the Straw [Re: couchgrouch]  
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,293
beechnut79 Offline
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beechnut79  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,293
Villa Park IL
This is quite a story here. Before I read it I thought that it might be another take on the classic "Turkey in the Straw". But nothing like that. This is a piece which leads the reader to believe that subject may feel some tension between impulses to not rock the boat, and the need for respect.

#1134938 - 01/13/18 11:03 AM Re: Farm Girl in the Straw [Re: couchgrouch]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 7,241
couchgrouch Online content
Top 30 Poster
couchgrouch  Online Content
Top 30 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 7,241
cochise, az, usa
Thanks beech. smile

Hi Cecilee and thanks for such a detailed review. The lyric has a structure and rhyme scheme that may not be apparent on first glance.

First off, I can't say "shiny glock, my lucky charm" because it doesn't make sense.

Second, the vss are written so the 3rd and 4th lines rhyme with a few extra syllables after the rhyme that rhyme with line 2. The way you have it loses the plight/night rhyme and the punch of Little Rock/Glock.

Songs are like books, movies, plays and tv shows. Some stories need space, some don't. Trimming Gone With the Wind would ruin the movie. Same with Titanic. smile


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