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Emily
by RainyDayMan. 04/23/18 06:26 PM
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#1134925 - 01/13/18 03:04 AM
So She Tells Him
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Hi, all . . and Happy New Year! Sorry to start out the year with a sad one, but I've taken this one as far as I can. Hope it's worth the listen. So She Tells Him(V) By her side, the tender heart of a soul she can’t surrender. In his eyes, reflections of fading memories. Still he talks of younger days, about a girl he loved back when; and he wonders where she’s gone— and so she tells him. (V) Separate lives, the one he’s got and the one he can’t remember. Endless nights, she sings the song he always loved to hear. And he tries to sing along, just the way he always did, but he wonders how it goes— and so she tells him. (B) And the pictures on the wall tell of loves and lives of kin— their only child they lost in Vietnam. So she worries when she’s gone who’s gonna take care of him, ‘cause her time’s near run, and she don’t have very long. (V) By her side, on the frozen ground of a cold and wet December; in his eyes, reflections of the rose upon the grave— As he stares down at the stone, a tear rolls from his chin, and he wonders who she was— and so I tell him. (c)2018 DJ Lekich
Last edited by Deej56; 01/13/18 03:50 PM.
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#1134945 - 01/13/18 04:04 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Dave, I hope you know I wouldn't take any feedback from folks on this board as negative. Everyone has been nothing but helpful and supportive--so no worries there. And if fact, you are spot on. This isn't really a tune suited for my voice. I sing at one volume--loud!  And while I wish I could soften my voice at times, it sadly is what it is. For some songs it works OK, but this would benefit from a less, umm, harsh sounding, much softer vocal. Taking your and TC's comments below I tried to adjust the audio a bit using my novice GarageBand skills. Though I'm not sure it makes much more of a difference, I reposted the song with the newer version. Again, it's a bit beyond my talents to do much more with this. I haven't considered going the demo route with anything I've done to this point. I just don't consider much of what I've written as quite good enough to engage in that way . . . yet. But I'm going to keep at it, so maybe tomorrow's the day I write a number one hit!  Hope all is well with you. Really appreciate your input. Deej
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#1135233 - 01/19/18 05:37 AM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,423
Calvin
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,423
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
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Hello Deej, Well written with a very nice delivery. First of all, the way I sound - WHO AM I to ever say ANYTHING about another persons vocals. At the start of the song, the vocal was a bit harsh to me and as I eased into the song I was ok with the way you sounded. I think you did a nice job, & I'm glad I listened. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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#1135253 - 01/19/18 02:17 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,694
Michael Zaneski
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California
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Hi Deej, I'm noticing a consistent pattern of a warm, sincere shade of literacy that runs through your work that puts it in the same category lyric-wise (if we must categorize) as folks like Townes Van Zandt and yes Prine, and this is one of the finer examples of that from you. This is a song to cherish and listen to again and again cuz it reveals more with each listening. It seems every word and phrase was wrought with much care and attention. Your mixes are improving. I can understand how your voice might be hard to mix well, but don't fret cuz you are a truly gifted singer and the rest will come in time. Love this..  Mike
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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#1135407 - 01/22/18 11:10 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: E Swartz]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Thanks, Eddie, for your feedback. I wish I could do more on the production--just beyond my skill set and, as noted, this song--like a few others I have written--just doesn't suit my voice. But I'm happy, not withstanding, that the lyrics resonated for you. As you note, and particularly for an amateur like me, if the song has at least some merit despite the troubled production, well, that's a good thing, I think. Appreciate you stopping by, giving this a listen, and sharing your thoughts. I keep learning from all of you.
All the best,
Deej
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#1135408 - 01/22/18 11:25 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Martin Lide]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Martin,
A Happy New Year to you as well, my friend! You should never feel reluctant to be honest with me. If I have a problem with honesty, and am just looking for someone to pat me on the back and say how great I am--well, then I have no business posting on this board. You've been gracious with your praise on some of my efforts. I'd be the worse for being ungracious when you care less for others.
Based on the above, it seems the lyrics have some potential for you, but the production and performance, not so much. I agree. The song requires a softer voice, if it's to work at all. That ain't me. Actually, I re-did the vocal over the weekend--trying to soften--almost whisper (fat chance)--the vocal. It was better, but not where it needs to be. So I'll file this away, and maybe someday someone better will want to give it a go.
Sadly, I've got a handful of songs that I know fall into a similar pocket. In fact, "I'm Already There," which I just posted to the Lyrics3 forum, is another one. Hated my vocal on my first go. Tried again, with the feedback on this song in mind, and it was better. Good enough to post? Not sure. But at some point.
If I do, I expect and appreciate that you will be as honest with me as you have always been. I'll try to do the same in turn, in hopes that we can each make each other better in what we aim to do. And isn't that the whole point of posting here?
With my kindest regards, Martin.
Deej
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#1135437 - 01/23/18 12:41 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 77
Maroon_Corey
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Posts: 77
Richmond, VA
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DJ,
You’ve written a poignant and emotional song that picks up on a scenario that is more and more common - the journey of seniors with dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s something that has touched most people’s lives in some way and will continue to do so as we live longer and longer lives, at least until the disease can be cured.
The song tells a story that lends itself to a music video. I could see it being used by the Alzheimer’s Association or other similar groups in commercial campaigns to raise funds or simply promote general awareness among those with aging parents and grandparents. By hopefully gaining some emotional foothold in the matter, they could influence people to treat aging seniors more humanely, whether their parents or not.
The melody, harmony, and even simplified form bring 90s Rock and Alternative to mind, which is making a nostalgic resurgence as children of the 90s like myself make their way into mid-life, and as many teens seek out authentic music that has to some degree stood the test of time yet appeals to modern ears. This musical setting places the story firmly in the view of non-senior bystanders. Also, the accented pickup notes in the melody on beat 4 at the beginning of the first two phrases of each verse ("By her", "In his", etc.) serve as a great device to ground the song and give it character.
The lyrics are understandable yet have an eloquence to their language. The repetition of telling the man the answers to his confusion is key to the song and key to the medical condition. It provides veracity. Anyone who has spent time around such patients knows the countless repetition that takes place in response to questions asked. Paired with a pause beforehand, the lyrics present what is easily considered by caretakers to be a maddening nuisance as a kind and gentle act of service to the suffering.
I disagree with criticism of the first line (“...tender heart of a soul…”). I love the slight obscurity here. Things don’t always need to be spelled out. In this case as the first line of a song, it draws me in to search for more meaning. And as the song is re-listened to, it will continue to hook the listener yet with more familiarity. The first line of a song is important, and this one makes a statement! It presents the crux of the problem paired with the underlying emotion.
The end of a song is equally important. Having the lyrics reveal the storyteller in the last line is a wonderful dramatic tool that lends itself better to song than probably any other artform. You’ve used it tastefully.
Regarding the music/ lyrics:
Nice soft intro on guitar.I feel it is missing a much needed picked “a” (pitch) before the vocals come in. Or, a D chord could be strummed right before the vocals (without adding any more beats).
On the first two words of “By her side”, “In his eyes”, etc., I would love to hear f# and then e in quarter notes on the guitar for harmony rather than playing the d and c of the melody. You could also add an a moving to g below the f# to e so that you are playing descending 6ths before you hit your G major chord on the last word. It's just a great opportunity for parallel motion in non-5th intervals. The suspended chords in the verse are quite nice.
The picked guitar notes after “wonder where she’s gone” need a little cleaning up to stay in time. You could possibly use an extra 4 beats before the bridge to create a little more release (“And the pictures on the wall”).
The reference to a child lost in Vietnam is a bit too literal to my taste and may limit your audience. Maybe consider somehow conveying that the child died in war/ battle more generically. And perhaps it wasn’t their only child. That leaves room for remaining siblings - perhaps the individual who is telling the story and ends up standing by the man’s side at the end of the song.
Nicely placed ritardando at the end of the piece.
Regarding the production:
There is a somewhat strange wobble in guitar, maybe caused by the particular echo used. It is most evident as the very last chords trail away. Probably not a huge deal.
I disagree strongly with remarks calling for a softer vocal! For kids of the 90s who grew up listening to Axl Rose, Kurt Cobain, and Billie Joe Armstrong, the vocal resonates! There is no reason that a “rocker” can’t sing a ballad. “Power ballads” were more a thing of the 80s, while the 90s grew into more introspective-sounding rock ballads like yours, such as “Good Riddance” by Green Day.
I believe that your type of vocal paired with fingerstyle guitar is exactly the delivery needed for this song to make an impact on an audience of 40-somethings to get them to think about the very real possibility of what not many care to consider - losing their parents bit by bit. You could always experiment with adding a subtle bass line, electric or acoustic.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Maroon
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#1135646 - 01/26/18 11:30 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Maroon_Corey]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Posts: 552
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Maroon,
Gee, where to begin. I'm amazed at the depth of your feedback on so many songs that I've seen posted to this website--always thoughtful, respectful, incredibly helpful, and even where constructive criticism is proffered, fair and balanced. No exception here, and I'm very appreciative of the time you took on your reply to my song.
You've given me some great feedback here. I confess some of it may be beyond me. I'm not a schooled or even natural musician, so I don't understand the science or mathematics of music. Just play some chords, string some words to it, and . . . something. So when you speak of descending 6ths and non-5th intervals--well, picture a chimpanzee trying to understand algebra. A little over my head. But I'm going to mess around with some of the complimentary chords in the spots you suggest. Will let you know how they go.
Timing on my playing is a common theme on a lot of the stuff I posted on this board. Just attributable to my rudimentary skills--appreciate you pointing that out, and something I will pay more attention to if and when I re-record this. As for the wobble, I'm using an "Old Time Tremolo" sound in Garage Band as a backing track--that's likely what you are hearing and it stands out on the finish.
Regarding the lyrics: I'm torn on the first line, because I understand how people may react to it being too poetic, perhaps. But "soul" to me, feels deeper, more affectionate, more personal. It's not just the heart of a man, it's the heart of her soul mate--her own being. So I appreciate your comments--helps make me feel I'm not so off-base.
I understand your reaction to the "Vietnam" reference--quite honestly, it just fit the rhyme scheme; your perspective is warranted, but it's a trade-off I'm OK making. Your comment about maybe it not being their only child is interesting, only because I changed that line given feedback in the L3 forum. The original version didn't specify "only child". Maybe something for me to reconsider.
Lastly, the vocal. I don't disagree with you all. Ironically, I re-recorded the vocal over this past weekend trying to soften my voice as much as I could and still stay in tune. Side by side, I think this version is better . . . as sung by me. I'd still be curious to see how it sounds softer. But it's going to need someone other than me to make it work.
That said, really appreciate your support on the vocal. I don't think you were suggesting I'm in the ballpark with the singers you reference, but I'll settle for being in a neighboring country . . . or galaxy, as the case may be!
Sorry for the long response to your feedback--just wanted to let you know I appreciated every morsel of it.
All the best,
Deej
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#1135647 - 01/26/18 11:42 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Posts: 552
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David,
Thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm just starting to "put myself out there" as they say--and even then, anonymously. So your kind words on a piece where I'm not quite sure I delivered on the mix and vocal--well, it's very appreciated. It's really representative of the quality of people we have on this board.
For the record, I don't record in a dirty sweater, I don't live in a grungy apartment, and, for better or worse, no one's passed out (on drugs, alcohol or otherwise). Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong!!
Kindest regards,
Deej
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#1135807 - 01/29/18 03:38 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 77
Maroon_Corey
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Richmond, VA
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Hi, Deej, I appreciate the kind words and am very glad you found the remarks helpful! No worries about a lack of "book knowledge". Some of the best musicians and songwriters had little to none. Goodness knows that my regular bass player would be hard pressed to read sheet music, but can play circles around me all night! To a degree, I think that music theory just serves as a way to communicate the nuts and bolts of music and to help us understand what made a piece of music sound the way it did and produce the effect it did. When talking about the harmonic interval of a 6th, I just mean two notes played together that are 9 half-steps apart (9 frets on the fretboard). Parallel motion just means that the notes move together, as opposed to contrary motion. J.S. Bach was the first composer who seemed to make it a rule never to use parallel motion with 4ths and 5ths such as an b with an e moving to a c# with an f#. This is because it is a more harsh sound that really stands out. Of course, we love hearing the moving root-5's that started with bands like the Kinks, Sabbath, and Deep Purple as Bach rolls in his grave ;-) Yeah, the timing is a bigger issue when you start to add other instruments, so not as big of a deal here. Sometimes, all it takes is practicing with a metronome app that accents beat 1, whether or not you use it when you record. Sounds like the tremolo was what you were wanting to hear and I really only noticed it at the end. I believe your instinct served you well on that first line and I understand about the rhyme scheme. My composition teacher's main motto was that "composition is compromise". Sounds like maybe an only child was suggested for heightened emotional response? I do think it would be a bit more open without it. Glad to hear you are sticking with your regular voice, so to speak. I could hear it sung with a softer voice. To my own taste, though, that might even become overly melodramatic, although there is definitely an audience for that - perhaps just as large or larger. I guess it depends on who you see as your audience. I just think that there is something touching about a voice that is a little on the hard side singing something of a tender nature. And yeah, you are at least in a neighboring country! No apologies for length required. As you can tell, I'm not abbreviating much! Maroon
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#1136729 - 02/10/18 04:59 PM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: Deej56]
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 732
ant
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California
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I really enjoyed this. Going in the first few lines I wasn't too sure what it was about, but as I realized, the song became more compelling. I was surprised at how powerful the simple line "and so she tells him" became once I realized what the song was about. When simple words can create an emotional tug, that's always a good thing.
Two suggestions:
It would be nice if the picture became clear a little bit sooner, so that first "and so she tells him" can have more impact. My first thought is, since the next line starts with "in his eyes" it would be good if the first line was "By her side, he..." and gives an instant image of her by his side (which the first line doesn't do now). So something like, "By her side, he sits and stares at a photo of them together" (better worded of course). You could then move the first line to the end and it would have more impact.
On the last verse, this is just me but I'm not a big fan of surprise endings. The jump from the song being about her telling him things to her in the grave (and introducing a new character on the very last line) feels like too much of a surprise for me. Also, to be honest, with their “only child” lost in Vietnam, it wasn’t at all clear who the “I” was in the last verse.
What I'd love to see instead is to flip the focus from ‘his’ wondering in the first two verses (“he wonders where she’s gone”, “he wonders how it goes”) to ‘her’ wondering. To me the killer close would be something like “she wonders if he knows that she still loves him…and so she tells him”.
I think you still retain all the emotional impact of “she don’t have very long” without having that literally happen at the end, maybe more so in fact.
Really strong song with incredible potential!
..ant
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#1136841 - 02/12/18 12:04 AM
Re: So She Tells Him
[Re: ant]
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56
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Ant,
Thanks for stopping in. These are some great suggestions. Yeah, I’m getting a love/hate vibe with the first line. I keep bouncing back and forth—I’ll keep giving it some more thought.
Regarding the last verse, I get a listener would wonder who the singer is. As I mentioned above in reply to Maroon, I changed the lyric based on feedback in the Lyrics 3 forum from “of a child” to “their only child”. I’m pretty sure, based on his and your feedback, that I’ll change it back—as it opens the possibility that the singer is a son or daughter.
But to be honest, as the writer of the song, to me, it didn’t matter much who the singer is. It could be a caretaker, nurse, priest, whomever—the image of him beside her grave, grieving in his way though still not remembering who she is, captures, all least to me, the devastating nature of dementia. It’s what I was shooting for.
The suggestions you offer are provoking; and if you and I had sat down to write this way back before I started, i think it would have have been a different—and maybe an even better song. Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback, Ant. i can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.
All the best,
Deej
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