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#1134925 - 01/13/18 02:04 AM So She Tells Him  
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Deej56 Online content
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Hi, all . . and Happy New Year!

Sorry to start out the year with a sad one, but I've taken this one as far as I can. Hope it's worth the listen.

So She Tells Him


(V) By her side, the tender heart of a soul she can’t surrender.
In his eyes, reflections of fading memories.
Still he talks of younger days,
about a girl he loved back when;
and he wonders where she’s gone—
and so she tells him.

(V) Separate lives, the one he’s got and the one he can’t remember.
Endless nights, she sings the song he always loved to hear.
And he tries to sing along,
just the way he always did,
but he wonders how it goes—
and so she tells him.

(B) And the pictures on the wall
tell of loves and lives of kin—
their only child they lost in Vietnam.
So she worries when she’s gone
who’s gonna take care of him,
‘cause her time’s near run,
and she don’t have very long.

(V) By her side, on the frozen ground of a cold and wet December;
in his eyes, reflections of the rose upon the grave—
As he stares down at the stone,
a tear rolls from his chin,
and he wonders who she was—
and so I tell him.

(c)2018 DJ Lekich

Last edited by Deej56; 01/13/18 02:50 PM.
#1134927 - 01/13/18 08:02 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Vicarn Offline
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Beautiful lyric about what appears to be that curse of old age.
I love a sad one.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.
http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

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#1134930 - 01/13/18 08:34 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Neil Cotton Online content
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I like story songs.
The first line does not want me to hear more...It is convoluted, unclear
try...
(V) By her side, he's her heart and soul she can’t surrender.

The music fits with the story


http://www.myspace.com/neilcotton http://upickedcotton.tripod.com/neil
#1134934 - 01/13/18 09:58 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Deej:

I read the lyric first, then listened. It is a stunning lyric and story. Of course it's sad... but then, if one considers his/her own eventual outcome... in that context... life is sad. The melody is fine but... to my ancient ears, you may want to find a way to soften the vocal... almost to a whisper. I have a similar vocal delivery and don't know about your studio options or resources... so it may be impractical for you to re-cut the song. Please don't take my thoughts to be negative. I think you are holding a gem in your capable song-writing hands. You may want to consider having a demo produced. We have people here who can do that for you promptly and inexpensively. Feel free to PM me if you care to explore options... and I'm not part of the solution... only an interested bystander. Thanks for sharing this lovely song. ----Dave

#1134940 - 01/13/18 12:36 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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TC Perkins Online content
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Melancholy 1+1 with a vocal that reminds me a bit of John Prine.

The song is good and the performance sounds okay. The lyrics are well conceived.

The good thing about the EQ is that the vocal and the guitar certainly don't fight over real estate. However, the vocal needs more warmth and the guitar needs more highs. As it is, the guitar is very muffled and background sounding. The guitar leans left and would sound much better centered with a wider stereo sound. The vocals in the center were fine.

With a couple tweaks, this would sound really good.

Peace,
TC


If it has strings I will find a way to play it!

You can hear my tunes at https://soundcloud.com/tc-gypsy
#1134944 - 01/13/18 02:53 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks Vic and Neil for listening.

Neil, I hear you on the first line and think I got similar feedback when I posted the lyrics to the forum. I have played with it some (a love she can't surrender, a man she can't surrender), but kept coming back to what I started with. Your suggestion is a fine one (though it doesn't quite fit the melody) and I may play with it some more. Appreciate the feedback much.

Regards to you both,

Deej

#1134945 - 01/13/18 03:04 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Dave,

I hope you know I wouldn't take any feedback from folks on this board as negative. Everyone has been nothing but helpful and supportive--so no worries there. And if fact, you are spot on. This isn't really a tune suited for my voice. I sing at one volume--loud! smile And while I wish I could soften my voice at times, it sadly is what it is. For some songs it works OK, but this would benefit from a less, umm, harsh sounding, much softer vocal.

Taking your and TC's comments below I tried to adjust the audio a bit using my novice GarageBand skills. Though I'm not sure it makes much more of a difference, I reposted the song with the newer version. Again, it's a bit beyond my talents to do much more with this.

I haven't considered going the demo route with anything I've done to this point. I just don't consider much of what I've written as quite good enough to engage in that way . . . yet. But I'm going to keep at it, so maybe tomorrow's the day I write a number one hit! smirk

Hope all is well with you. Really appreciate your input.

Deej

#1134946 - 01/13/18 03:08 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hey, TC,

Thanks for dropping in and taking the time to listen and comment. As you'll see in my note to Dave above, I totally agree on the vocal. "Warmth" is not a word anyone would ever use to describe my voice :), and I agree it's not really suited for this tune. With your suggestions in mind, I did play around with it a bit and then reposted a new version. Not sure it's any better, but tried to soften the vocal as much as I could with limited skills.

Appreciate the feedback and hope you are enjoying your weekend.

All the best,

Deej

#1134970 - 01/13/18 07:21 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Beautiful song, Deej. And well suited to a sparse production of guitar and vocal.

I wonder what a female vocal would sound like on this. There is really nothing that locks the gender...

Scott

#1134999 - 01/14/18 02:52 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Your work is always worth the listen, Deej.
Beautiful vocals and lovely progression and guitar work.


"Like his word___ I heard his aim is true
and he aims to send me str8 to Hell___ for loving you"
Nelson
#1135022 - 01/14/18 11:03 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Scott Campbell]  
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Scott, thanks for the listen. You know, when Dave Rice made the comment about going softer (and I knew that 's beyond my vocal abilities), the thought of having a female vocal came to mind. You're right--it's a gender neutral tune and maybe that's the way to go. Great suggestion. Now I just need to find someone who's up for giving it a go. I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks again.

Kindest regards,

Deej

#1135023 - 01/14/18 11:11 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Nelson]  
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Nelson,

Appreciate the kind comments. That you think what I put up here is always worth a listen . . . well, it's nice to hear (as I don't alway think so). I wish I could have done this song a bit more justice--but I've gotten some great feedback from everyone, which is really helpful. Thanks for stopping in and giving this one a listen.

All the best,

Deej

#1135033 - 01/15/18 12:53 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej,

I also like the sparse arrangement.
It suits the song, sad and melancholoy.
An old couple, he's got alzheimer's and she worries about leaving him behind.
Sad indeed but nicely done.

Thanks for sharing,
Paul

#1135217 - 01/18/18 11:18 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Paul Churchfield]  
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Appreciate the kind comments, Paul. Glad the story came through, which was my aim.

All the best,

Deej

#1135233 - 01/19/18 04:37 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Calvin Online content
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Hello Deej,

Well written with a very nice delivery.
First of all, the way I sound - WHO AM I to ever say ANYTHING about another persons vocals.
At the start of the song, the vocal was a bit harsh to me and as I eased into the song I was ok with the way you sounded.
I think you did a nice job, & I'm glad I listened.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1135253 - 01/19/18 01:17 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Deej,

I'm noticing a consistent pattern of a warm, sincere shade of literacy that runs through your work that puts it in the same category lyric-wise (if we must categorize) as folks like Townes Van Zandt and yes Prine, and this is one of the finer examples of that from you.

This is a song to cherish and listen to again and again cuz it reveals more with each listening. It seems every word and phrase was wrought with much care and attention.

Your mixes are improving. I can understand how your voice might be hard to mix well, but don't fret cuz you are a truly gifted singer and the rest will come in time.

Love this.. smile

Mike


Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1135324 - 01/20/18 10:31 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Calvin]  
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Calvin,

Thanks for the encouraging words. The thing with vocals is that a voice should fit the tune. I'm my harshest judge--but, trust me, my vocal here is not the worst I've laid down. But I agree with all the feedback above--it needs to be softer. I did try to re-do the vocal . . . well, not so bad, but not good enough to share. I'll keep working it.

And, BTW you're being a bit modest on your vocals. Songs fit the singer. And yours fit you perfectly.

Best regards,

Deej

#1135325 - 01/20/18 10:48 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
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Mike,

Those are very kind and encouraging words--I take them to heart. And thanks for appreciating the care taken on the lyrics. I can't say I'm as thoughtful with every lyric I write, but a bit more so on this one. For the most part, I've a rationale for why I use the words I do on a particular line. It may not work for others, but it seems right for me . . . at least when I'm writing it. I imagine it may be similar for you with your work on demos (which, by the way, your excel at): Others may disagree with your choices and the final outcome, but I'm betting you have very specific reasons for making the choices you do. Perhaps the burden of the artist?

All the best, Mike, and thanks again for the feedback.

Deej

#1135374 - 01/21/18 11:23 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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E Swartz Online content
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Deej,

What a bittersweet song. You've told your story very well and have a gift with capturing our empathy for this poor lost soul. Yes there certainly are things you can do with the production for some sonic improvements, but more importantly is the quality of the the song IMO. I'd rather hear a very good song in more raw form than a mediocre song well produced--and you sir, have a very good song here. You also have some good tips above, no need for me to reiterate those sugs or nits, but your song is worth IMO seeking to perhaps make some production tweaks yourself or with others to help.

What a great listen and awesome lyrics!

steady-eddie

#1135380 - Yesterday at 08:44 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Martin Lide Offline
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Happy New Year DJ,

You know that I like your voice and your music.
But not this one so much.

If I'm understanding the song correctly, it is a lovely vignette about the effects of dementia on an elderly couple who have been together almost all of their lives...and I enjoyed reading it.

To my ear...there is too much urgency and drama in your vocal for the message being delivered. It is distracting from the story.

With age, I've become increasingly reluctant to say anything negative about someone's songs, but in your case, your talent level is such that I figured you'd rather I be honest.

Regards,

Martin

#1135407 - Yesterday at 10:10 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: E Swartz]  
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Thanks, Eddie, for your feedback. I wish I could do more on the production--just beyond my skill set and, as noted, this song--like a few others I have written--just doesn't suit my voice. But I'm happy, not withstanding, that the lyrics resonated for you. As you note, and particularly for an amateur like me, if the song has at least some merit despite the troubled production, well, that's a good thing, I think. Appreciate you stopping by, giving this a listen, and sharing your thoughts. I keep learning from all of you.

All the best,

Deej

#1135408 - Yesterday at 10:25 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Martin Lide]  
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Martin,

A Happy New Year to you as well, my friend! You should never feel reluctant to be honest with me. If I have a problem with honesty, and am just looking for someone to pat me on the back and say how great I am--well, then I have no business posting on this board. You've been gracious with your praise on some of my efforts. I'd be the worse for being ungracious when you care less for others.

Based on the above, it seems the lyrics have some potential for you, but the production and performance, not so much. I agree. The song requires a softer voice, if it's to work at all. That ain't me. Actually, I re-did the vocal over the weekend--trying to soften--almost whisper (fat chance)--the vocal. It was better, but not where it needs to be. So I'll file this away, and maybe someday someone better will want to give it a go.

Sadly, I've got a handful of songs that I know fall into a similar pocket. In fact, "I'm Already There," which I just posted to the Lyrics3 forum, is another one. Hated my vocal on my first go. Tried again, with the feedback on this song in mind, and it was better. Good enough to post? Not sure. But at some point.

If I do, I expect and appreciate that you will be as honest with me as you have always been. I'll try to do the same in turn, in hopes that we can each make each other better in what we aim to do. And isn't that the whole point of posting here?

With my kindest regards, Martin.

Deej


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