JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum A song I forgot to write. Travis & Vic

An original Travis lyric which he kindly allowed me to play around with.
More in the traditional country style this time, I think.

Vic

https://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold/a-song-i-forgot-to-write

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13660170

A SONG I FORGOT TO WRITE. © 2017 J. Vaughan & V. Arnold

V1
The carpet's got worn, like me, tattered and torn from
pacing around on the floor.
Life doesn't get better as I read her last letter
again, it's as sad as before.
Round and round in my head, words that I could have said
before she walked out of the door.
Now they trip off my tongue like a wild machine gun,
But she's not there to hear anymore
Ch.
Spent too much time on hopes of achieving
writing a song someone could believe in.
And all of the time wrapped up with deceiving myself ...
with the song I forgot to write gathering dust on the shelf.

V2
Now the lessons are learned as old memories return
of the wall that I built in between
when all that she sought, now and then was the thought
that I looked on her as my queen
But the dice have been thrown, now I'm picking the bones
of a love song that never has been.
Too late with the truth and too long in the tooth.
For the words she never will see.
Ch.

Br.
Flowers are meant with the best of intent.
I lay them beside her gravestone ...
... and the song I forgot to write, follows me home.
Ch.

Such a good lyric here and you sing it well,Vic.Great job you two. Mike

Thanks for the listen Mike and positive comments
Travis

Hi guys,

"too late with the truth/too long in the tooth"

--wish'd Ida though of that!

Vic, this is right in your comfort zone, 3 chords, the truth, and 6/8 time with a big barroom downbeat snare on the fouirth beat and plenty of attitude to go with.

One production sug if you were planning to revisit anyway. There's a little vocal-phrasing-hole in the third line of the chorus where you need to pause around the words "wrapped up in decieving" and you phrase it differently each time and that's cool, but each time I imagine filling in the empty vocal space with a musical stab of some kind, as in a quick lick or "stab" from Brent Mason ("wrapped up (stab!) in decieving") to fill in the space between sung words..or something like that.

Great work guys!!

Mike

good job guys....Mike has a point....

Hi guys,


Very well done in all areas.

GREAT = Now they trip off my tongue like a wild machine gun


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Thanks again Mike for your good feedback and support
Trsvis

And another mighty fine collab guys.
I like the sentiment in the lyrics and Vic's interpretation / performance.

I'd like to hear that fiddle a bit louder in the chorus.

It just might be my weird ear but it sorta brings to mind the Country classic,
"You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille".

Hey guys!

Enjoyed this classic country song. Neat concept with some really clever lines John. Vic, I like the music & performance for sure, but do think the last two "chorus lines" could be improved with prosody and maybe simplify the melody there just for chorus flow. I think Michael Z mentioned maybe the same thing or similar. I went back and played this about ten times just listening over and over. Maybe all you need to do is modify the pauses & syllables for timing just a slight amount.....or maybe slightly "alter" the lyric to flow better with the music & time allotment.

I had one thought, which would allow you to simplify the chorus, yet smooth out the prosody as well as simplify the chorus lyric/melody ending:

Spent too much time on hopes of achiev'n
Writing a song someone could believe in
And all of that time I was deceiving myself
With a song never written, gather'n dust on my shelf

I realize this type of change might cause consideration to re-title the song; maybe "A Song Never Written"

Not saying you "need" to change anything, JMO and one option for you to ponder--keep or sweep!

Nice work guys, I always enjoy your collabs,

steady-eddie

gave this a listen Vic, really a good job on this song, some songs just feel natural to a person I think this is one for me,
good lyric Travis..all around solid song. Lane

Vic and Travis,

Wow, wow and wow. This is so well-written and so beautifully done and executed. I could hear this on a soundtrack of a movie, or just that unexpected killer tune you hear live at some venue by a band that just knows how to write, sing and play--and you wake up in the morning with it playing in your head wondering why these guys aren't just huge.

I understand what Mike and Eddie are trying to convey about that pause in the chorus—and it’s hard to disagree with both of them because I think they are pretty much right about everything. But for me, I wouldn’t change it—I like the variety of the delivery (which quite honestly, is not that different), and I like how the pause sets the finish. I also prefer “song I forgot,” which I think conveys more depth of sentiment.

Really a great tune; loved it.

A big fan,

Deej

Thanks Michael.
I'm quite happy with how the song turned out.
Whether I stay happy depends on me still liking it in a couple of months time.

Vic

Hi Mike.
That line came surprisingly easy. Almost an accident, which I suppose is how most good stuff arrives.

Until you mentioned it I was quite happy with the gap in phrasing as I think it's good to try to sing the same line differently each time.
Maybe I'll try a little fill in there as you suggest.

There are 5 chords in the bridge but I get your meaning. I think too many chord changes can dilute the feeling in songs like this.

I thank you again for your interest and support.

Vic

Hey, T & V:

I finally found time to listen and really enjoyed your collaboration. Sounds a bit like that Oklahoma Singer whose name eludes me now... but he was much older than Toby Keith. Your title was like a magnet to me, an old songwriter. Vic, it's a good thing when lyricists are willing to allow the vocalist to "shoehorn" the words in order to make the phrasing better, etc. Just so you'll know I'm not one of those "favor currying schmucks" who constantly "bow and scrape" at every song you post... I would re-visit the drums if you ever re-cut the song. It was not a significant factor but I would soften them a bit for a more traditional effect. (I see this one as traditional country if you have a need to classify it genre-wise.)

No matter, my friends. It's a keeper and I appreciate your work. Before I forget, with the approach of Christmas... I wish you both the very best. ----Dave

Thank you Neil.
He may well have.

Vic

Mike (Zaneski). The fill is in on first chorus Soundcloud version.

Vic

Thanks Neil pleased it worked for you
Travis

Thank you Calvin.
That could have been one of your lines. :-)

Vic

NICE! This has a beautiffully warm sound. Lovely vocal...and that fiddle is a good touch.
As always..........;-)
-Tom

Hi Nelson.
I'm glad it settled with you. I have brought the fiddle up a tad in the Soundcloud version.
You aren't far off. While I was recording it I thought of Waylon and "don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys".

Vic

Hey Lane.
I do wander occasionally but always return to what feels natural to me.
Pleased you liked it.

Vic

Hi Calvin
Thanks once again for your thumbs up
Travis

Thanks Eddie.
You always have some interesting suggs.

I believe Mike was referring to the gap in the first chorus between "wrapped up" and "deceiving myself".
I think I've addressed that now in the Soundcloud version by inserting a little guitar lick.

Thanks again for taking a long look at it.

Vic

Hey Vic,

Same place Vic. My sug is alleviating the gap completely and just having the short rest/pause only in the "last" chorus line. I felt the chorus flow need not stop in the 3rd line but continuing to build rather than break. That slightly trimmed 3rd line's timing would then be sung more like the first chorus line. Certainly JMO, and doesn't mean that I'm right.........I always makes suggs on what I hear/feel. For me, the last chorus line prosody-wise, feels to awkward to fit or accommodate that whole "title phrase" smoothly. My sug is designed to aid prosody on both lines--yet still give the last line the summarizing pause before that wonderful line "gathering dust on the shelf."

Sorry if I appear to be re-writing the song guys--and these sugs may be more than you desire to consider. The song is very good as is, but I strongly feel it could flow better--These are my thoughts and also as to "why." I think you know my intentions are always in the spirit of being honest, positive and helpful.

This song feels very "Kris Kristoffersonesk." (I always liked that guy) There really are a lot of great lines in this song for sure--a good write!

Regards,

steady-eddie

Hi Deej.
Thanks for the comment.

I think all those views have merit and I appreciate the thought put into them but I tend to lean with what you say.

If it was a pop song or sing-a-long I would take a different view but country needs slightly different phrasing imo.
A little rougher. Not so slick, for want of a better word.

I of course could be completely wrong though.

Vic

Cheers Nelson
Always good to get your feedback.
Travis

Very cool, Travis and Vic. A "the one that got away" song that already sounds like a classic. Well done.

Ricki

I'm listening to it again, but you know I wouldn't miss a chance to listen to your voice when I can! Those inner rhymes make this sound so smooth. Like this line, "Now they trip off my tongue like a wild machine gun". Sweet and sad, the melody is a great match and happy to spend another moment with your music.

Tammy

Hi Ed
Again we appreciate your suggestions and listen .
I've not spoken to Vic re. your posting but will certainly do so.
I'm away in the capital at the moment and being rushed around by younger family members.
Eventually I'll chat with Vic
Regards
John

Sounds great, Vic.

Hi Dave.
Yes, I think you're right about the drums.
I toned them down a little on the Soundcloud version, but I may have to change the kit.
Thanks for that suggestion. Sometimes we can't hear what we produce.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Vic

Hi Tom.
Good to hear from you and thanks.

Vic

You are a good critic Ed.
It's appreciated.

Vic

Thanks Ricki.
We're happy how it turned out.

Vic

HI Lane.
Cheers for your comments. Very much appreciated
Travis

Tammy. You're so generous.
I'm happy you could listen to it twice.
I'm also amazed at how far you've come in such a short time.

Thank you,
Vic

Thanks again, Mike.

Thanks Iron really appreciate your time and comments
Travis

Vic and Travis,

That's a good one! Well conceived story and excellent phrasing. Marty Robbins would have been proud of you!

Marty Robbins is good in my book.
I was once in a band that did a half dozen of his songs.
Thanks Colin.

Vic

hi Dee.
Thanks for your thumbs up and comments
Travis

Thanks again Dave from two Welsh guys. You're always there to give sound advice and nice comments
Cheers mate
Travis