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I recently saw a songwriting tip that said, don't be afraid to rewrite your songs. So here goes...

I originally wrote this in 2014. The original version had only verses and was just a ukulele and voice. The rewrite adds a chorus, percussion and keys. I also took some of the feedback on the lyrics I'd gotten into account. Hopefully this is an improvement. Please comment on the lyrics as well as the music. Thanks in advance, Paul



Click here to listen to Hello - (rewrite) by Paul Churchfield

Hello - by Paul Churchfield (c) 2014, rewrite 2017

Intro -

(V1)

Hello, what's your name
It seems you and I are just the same
And we both live so far apart
There's no chance of a broken heart

(V2)
Hello my distant friend
I didn't think I'd see you here again
The things you said, they made me smile
That hasn't happened in awhile

(chorus)
What's the harm in us becoming friends
I don't even know your home address
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
But none of this is coming from my head

(V3)
Hello, so glad you came
I have to say I thought of you today
I was thinking later on
That maybe I'd sing you a song

(chorus)
What's the harm in us becoming friends
I don't even know your home address
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
But none of this is coming from my head

(V4)
Hello, I have to say
I think about you more and more each day
I hope that you will understand
I want so much to hold your hand

Outro - Hello *

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Solid well organized tune with a wistful vibe. This song is reminiscent of Todd Rundgren's "Hello, it's me."

I liked the different percussion in the intro; however, if you are going to keep it going for an entire verse you may want to reduce the volume and take a tad of the sharpness out with EQ.

The lyrics are pretty good. The only suggestion I might make is to consider trimming out some of the "that, but, and" words. Either way, it's fine. The vocals are decent but they could use a bit more emotion, and they are a bit pitchy at times. I do think you have an opportunity in places to go for a bigger melodic arc.

Overall, it sounds pretty good.

Peace,
TC


If it has strings I will find a way to play it!

You can hear my tunes at https://soundcloud.com/tc-gypsy
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TC,
Thanks for taking the time to listen and give me feedback.
I really appreciate it.
The original rendition was very bare bones and all truth, no polish.
This is my attempt at polishing things up.
As a vocalist my arcs aren't what they used to be but I will keep that in mind.
I wish I had access to more musicians for these recordings.
Thanks again,
Paul

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Paul,

First off, awesome mix/production. When the percussion hit on the opening I did a double take, and thought it was coming from my phone, which was lying right near my laptop. That doesn’t happen much when I’m listening without headphones. And the pan continues in subtle ways throughout the cut which makes this a pleasant sound.

I’ve got nothing to offer here. Pretty tune, well done. Sweet.

Regards,

Deej

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Thanks for taking the time to listen Deej smile

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Hi Paul,


Good to see you.
You did a nice job on this.

-----M E L L O W-----


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

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Thanks Calvin!
I appreciate you giving it a listen.

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This is great Paul my kind of song excellent melody vocal and lyric.
Mellow and sweet
Best of luck with it.
PS
I often return to old writes.Occasionally there's a hidden gem

Last edited by Travis david; 11/27/17 10:15 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Thanks Travis! I appreciate the feedback.

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hey Paul,it's good to hear a new song from you.This is really a good listen. Mike

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Thanks Michael. I appreciate you listening to my song.

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I like the simple sweet quiet performance.
Well done

BTW...I take more pride in revisiting and improving older songs than I do writing new ones.

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Paul,

Sweet & tender, a very nice write indeed.

You could enhance the production even more if you wanted to seek out session musicians or even find someone here on JPF that produces songs for others that has the access to just about any type track that you may desire--ask a few PM that do this, it won't be free however. But some "demos" are very simple, and that can be all that is needed, if the tune is strong. I don't remember the original, but like this one! I have some songs that I want to revisit as well, but have a hard time finding time to record newer ones that are gathering dust on the shelf.

Regards,

steady-eddie

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wow...what a mellow tune, really enjoyed this song Paul..Lane



"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction,
one might save you from the other...Vincent
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Thanks Nelson. I enjoyed revisiting it. I usually reach a point on a new one where I just have to stop cuz everything starts to sound the same.

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Thanks Eddie. I could probably put together a more elaborate recording and would love it if I had more musicians. My budget is nil. I wish I had time for a band too. But these recordings are just worktapes, to capture an idea. I don't really consider myself a singer either but I sing them cuz they're in my head and the price is right. I might bite the bullet and get a real demo made someday. Here, in Nashville there is no shortage of willing musicians and studios. Thanks again for the feedback. It's always encouraged and appreciated.

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Thanks Lane. I appreciate you taking the time to listen.

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I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is about a budding cyber romance? I think everything in the lyric works with that concept except for the line "maybe I'd sing you a song"? Not sure how that would work in this scenario? If it's not about that, then there are a few things that don't make sense to me. Maybe I need some clarification...

There's such a sweetness and vulnerability in your voice that really fits the mood of the lyric and music. Overall, I enjoyed my listen.

Also, to reiterate what Eddie mentioned, there are JPF members who can do a bang-up job on a demo and it is very affordable. Before you light up $400-1000 on a Nashville demo, do a little investigating here on the boards and I'll bet you'll be able to find someone to work with.

Ricki

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Hi Ricki,

Thanks for listening and taking the time to give feedback. And yes, it is about a budding online romance that happened 5 years ago. And all of it is historically correct. I sang a song and recorded it to a youtube video, where I shared it with her. It was a big hit with her. We've been married for 4 years now. I lived in Medina, Ny and she lived in Oshawa Ontario Canada, a country apart, separated by Lake Ontario and a 3 1/2 hour drive, that suddenly did not seem so far away.

As for paying big bucks for a demo, I have no plans of doing that. If I use that service, I will look to the small ones first. My interest is just to capture the song's essence. Hopefully my skills are improving in that area.

I also wanted to add that when I first started posting songs, I used to post a huge monologue, explaining the song. A few people gave me the tip that if I had to explain the song first, that it needed much work. One of the best tips I've received on here. I think it might have been you Ricki that gave me that tip. Thank you for that. I don't do that anymore. When I post a song I let it stand by itself. Hopefully it does.

Thanks again, Ricki!
Paul

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Hi Paul:

Sorry to be so late about giving this one a "spin." Someone gave you some pretty good advice about not being afraid to rewrite a song or lyric. I do it at the "drop of a hat" when I've listened to the point of exhaustion... and finally realize "it needs more"... or a different direction entirely.

In the case of this hauntingly romantic song... it sure seems "ready" to my ears... and it's one of those songs that forces me to want another listen. Not tomorrow or next week... Right Now! Well done and best of luck in getting this one to "chart city!" ----Dave

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Dave,

Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment.
And thank you so much for the vote of confidence.
This rewrite has definitely encouraged me to do more.
I am already gearing up to work on another of my favorite ones.
But I know the lyrics leave a lot of questions unanswered.
I hope I can git it where I want it to be.

Thanks again,
Paul

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Hey Paul,

Man I really like this song. I love the vocals. For a studio, have you ever thought about Band in a Box? It is pretty awesome and there are some pro users on here, including myself and Michael Zaneski, and others I have seen. They can help you.

There are thousands of hours of "Real Track" recordings of pro musicians in every conceivable style. The free DAW that comes with it is great. All you need extra is a good mic and an audio interface and you can make your own demos.

http://www.pgmusic.com

I have been asked about a hundred times "What studio did you cut that in?" I just kind of mumble and walk away.

The cost of the top of the line product is the price of one standard rock bottom demo and after you have it you can make five thousand.

I would do it man.


David Snyder, Composer, Author
Singer-Songwriter, Producer
Regional Chapter Coordinator, NSAI
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Hi David,
Thanks for the feedback.
I actually have Band in a Box 2014 and have used it for a few of my songs. I have a good mic and a Boss Br800 digital recorder. So, I've got all the basics.
One problem with it is I get caught up for hours, wading through the styles. I also have an Alesis Sr-18 drum machine and it consumes a lot of my time, when I'm looking for just the right beat. For this song I used the Sr18 for the opening beat and I used the Br800 for the heavier beat.
It kind of snaps me out of creativity mode into computer mode. But I'd love to increase my skills in that area. I also have sonar.
I think I might just give biab a go for this song.
If you can give me any tips on how to reduce the hours I spend and get right to the correct style, I'd be thrilled.
Thanks again for listening and giving me feedback.
Thanks Paul

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Hey Paul,

So let me try and give you the short version. BIAB has come A LONG WAY since 2014, and I hear BIAB 2018 really cooks, though I won't know til I get it around January.

However, this is how it breaks down. If you do a lot of music you need the everything pak, or ultra pak whatever it is called, and if you can afford it, the audiophile version which has .wav files. On an upgrade that will cost you slightly north of $500 bucks but you can't get one demo done for $500 bucks. The audiophiles are ready to go straight out of the box. With the non-audiophile version, you have to do a lot of doctoring and gain changes once the files have been de-compressed in say Real Band.

With BIAB 2018 you apparently get Xtra styles 4. The Xtra styles are worth it because they cut to the chase and offer the best of the best in current styles and they come sort of "pre-mixed"--they already have them set exactly where you would want them more or less track wise.

If you do a lot of country, I would also get Xtra styes 1, 2, and 3 in that genre at 15 bucks each, or also the Americana Xtra styles at another 15 bucks. It is all there on the web. I could talk you through it or you could just call them.

The Xtra Styles save you from wading through hundreds of styles to find what you want. They are very up to date, and you are bound to find something that will be a working bed. If you want to add another instrument, it is easy to just right click on a track in BIAB and ask to see "best real tracks". Fiddle til you find the best replacement and you are done.

Once you have this style set up simply export it as a batch of individual .wav files and import into Sonar. I always take the extra step of looking at files in audacity to make sure they are where I want them to be before I import into Sonar.

Then, in Sonar, I add any other guitars or keyboards I want and vocals, though I often record vocals in Real Band, just because it is so simple and really makes a great audio recording.

I basically use Sonar for mixing.

For the type of music you do, you really one need about four or five really simple styles in BIAB that are acoustic guitar focused, but you need to be able to use swing styles and "rascal" styles that have some bounce and frolick to them to get away from straight Hank Williams campfire strumming. That will drive people crazy. But with just a few lively acoustic tracks, and maybe some tasty drums and electric here and there keeping it simple, you can create a song factory.

The most important thing in BIAB is to "master the dots." That is best explained over the phone. You can use dots after the chords to solo various instruments and have things come in and out and gradually build. Using this simple approach, with the newer version of BIAB and some good Xtra styles, I think you could pretty much do whatever you want.

The new Real Drums are way beyond anything you could get on a drum machine they will not keep you computer focused. You will be able to stay song focused as long as you keep it really simple.



David Snyder, Composer, Author
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David,
Thank you for the very informitive reply.
I actually got the biab 2014 mega pack.
I will email you to continue this thread, unless you prefer doing it on here.
If you are willing, maybe we can do a phone call or skype.
Thanks again,
Paul

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Well, I knew exactly what this song was about, I like the additions and your vocal, it is all very effective, nice to hear you again and sounding so vulnerable in the vocal. Very nice work.

Tammy


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HI Paul,

I like the intimate sound you get on your singer's voice, kinda like Neil Young singing with a quiet Brazilian style voice and close mic'd. It's really sweet and pretty cool sounding in the chorus. I like that you break the rule of making your voice go up way high to signify "this is the chorus" --and I really love how it sneaks up--but I was reflexively, subconciously hearing an added (new) instrument playing a simple counter-melody in the chorus like a simple bowed string or synth line. The song could really benefit from an added texture in the chorus, and another sound from the last verse on to the end. You have something really solid here. Nice clean production and a solid hook, and the major sevenths seem to fit the lyric somehow--kinda bittersweet..both..

The line "But none of this is coming from my head" sings so great and has a cool sound and is a mystery the listener needs to solve (as in.."then where's it coming from?")--I think it's his way of saying it's from his heart--it fits with his sentiments and shy way of speaking elsewhere. Organic like that. Really beautiful stuff..

Love it. smile

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 12/08/17 11:59 PM.

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from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Very well done, I enjoyed my listen- I mainly focused on lyrics - I enjoyed the relaxed feeling of the verses - I agree the "sing you a song" line was a minor bump - maybe instead of saying you are going to sing a song you might ask if you could sing to her or if she would like you to . I would change the rhyme pattern in the chorus - " What's the harm in us becoming friends/ though fools rush in where angels fear to tread/(cause - a new line here that rhymes with friends)/ And none of this is coming from my head" - -- might make the chorus stand out more. Just a few ideas to consider. Best of luck with your song -- Pete

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Thanks Tammy!
You're the first one that remembers the original.
I'm glad you like it smile

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Originally Posted by PeteG
Very well done, I enjoyed my listen- I mainly focused on lyrics - I enjoyed the relaxed feeling of the verses - I agree the "sing you a song" line was a minor bump - maybe instead of saying you are going to sing a song you might ask if you could sing to her or if she would like you to . I would change the rhyme pattern in the chorus - " What's the harm in us becoming friends/ though fools rush in where angels fear to tread/(cause - a new line here that rhymes with friends)/ And none of this is coming from my head" - -- might make the chorus stand out more. Just a few ideas to consider. Best of luck with your song -- Pete

Thanks for taking the time to listen and comment Pete.
The verses are supposed to be progressing as the relationship becomes more serious and in my world, that means I would sing her a song. Which; btw, is exactly what I did. And she still talks about how romantic that was. Apparently men just aren't doing that much these days. But you're the second one to comment on this, so maybe I'd better take a closer look at that.

I'm happy and a little surprised that nobody has given me flack about the "angels fear to tread" cliche, or adage, I prefer. But it is what I felt and I think it works.

Paul

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Originally Posted by Michael Zaneski
HI Paul,

I like the intimate sound you get on your singer's voice, kinda like Neil Young singing with a quiet Brazilian style voice and close mic'd. It's really sweet and pretty cool sounding in the chorus. I like that you break the rule of making your voice go up way high to signify "this is the chorus" --and I really love how it sneaks up--but I was reflexively, subconciously hearing an added (new) instrument playing a simple counter-melody in the chorus like a simple bowed string or synth line. The song could really benefit from an added texture in the chorus, and another sound from the last verse on to the end. You have something really solid here. Nice clean production and a solid hook, and the major sevenths seem to fit the lyric somehow--kinda bittersweet..both..

The line "But none of this is coming from my head" sings so great and has a cool sound and is a mystery the listener needs to solve (as in.."then where's it coming from?")--I think it's his way of saying it's from his heart--it fits with his sentiments and shy way of speaking elsewhere. Organic like that. Really beautiful stuff..

Love it. smile

Mike

Thank you for the great feedback Mike!
I would love it if you could elaborate (maybe share a clip or 2) on what you are hearing as added instruments or textures in the chorus. Working with you is on my bucket list. Maybe the time is now smile

I tend to write songs that are autobiographic, so the intimacy is just the truth.

This is a cool example of how you can get new ideas from different instruments. I wrote this one on my tenor ukulele and when a guitar player is confronted with having just 4 strings, with the first being lower than the other 3, new ideas and chords present themselves. I planned on keeping it on the ukulele and just gave it a go on the keyboard for the keyboard, with the ukulele voicing and it sounded pretty cool, so I went with it. If you're interested, I am going to add a link to the original ukulele recording.

I bought the newest version of Band in a Box 2018 UltraPAK and I've been chomping at the bit all week to play with it. I woke up to all of these lovely replies on jpf this morning, so I still haven't played with it yet.

Thank you again for your feedback.
Let me know if you are interested in helping out.
This production was just me, a mic, my keyboard and my SR18 drum machine, in a single take.

Thanks,Paul

Here is a link to the original recording :
My Original recording of HELLO on the ukulele.

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PS: I have always heard some background vocals during the verse kind of like this.

Hello (bah--) what's your name (bah--)

Not necessarily the word (bah--) but it would be a choral voice, gently saying something like that.
Also, not on every line. Just distributed tastefully throughout the song.

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Originally Posted by Paul Churchfield
Originally Posted by Michael Zaneski


Thank you for the great feedback Mike!
I would love it if you could elaborate (maybe share a clip or 2) on what you are hearing as added instruments or textures in the chorus. Working with you is on my bucket list. Maybe the time is now smile



Thanks, Paul! It'll be fun working with you on this. Talk to you soon. smile

Mike


Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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It's a very sweet song and the only sugg I have is maybe to cut the time between verses in half.
Good luck with it.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

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Thanks Vic!
I'll add that to my list of things to try.
I appreciate you taking the time to listen and comment.
Paul


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