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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3 |
a friend`s friend goes home...He was a kind soul.. I had the feeling He left without that one true love He waited for...
Most said
When breath did not exist.. the soul a fleeting thing, it emptied the room.
that very moment.. most thought a hollow man...
I leaned in.. touched His hand... He knew love more than all.
Protecting love.. nourishing love with acts, waiting its birth...
Breath was taken in, and released with that thought, and the witnessing. Hollow most said..but...He knew love... Vincent
Copyright © Vincent
Last edited by lane1777; 10/06/17 04:19 PM.
"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction, one might save you from the other...Vincent
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1 |
I really like this one, Lane. There’s a story behind the story that’s engaging. The first two lines of the third verse (beginning with “When breath did not exist”) seem vague to me and may be an opportunity to better move things forward and add depth. Same with the penultimate stanza. But all that’s easily tweaked. This one has real heart and soul. Something that, as strong as it is, I think can be better still.
Deej
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3
Top 200 Poster
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OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,280 Likes: 3 |
thanks Dee, I`ve never gone back and added or taken away from these writes, but i`m finding time to do some now. a guy writes these things in a "fever most of the time never looks back....now I have a little time. thanks again for commenting.
and by fever I mean... my truck was a dirty mess,,something happened in the night... out on the street. after it was all over I got out of my truck and wrote a small verse on the door. they called me the next day and asked if I wanted them to save it? write it down before they washed the truck...that was the kind of fever I had....lol
"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction, one might save you from the other...Vincent
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