Who's Online Now
16 registered members (Everett Adams, Colin Ward, 9ne, Calvin, Harriet Ames, Fdemetrio, Barry David Butler, couchgrouch, Brian Austin Whitney, 1 invisible), and 198 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
Andy K
Andy K
Clearwater, FL, USA
Posts: 733
Joined: April 2003
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
CD duplicating machines
by Everett Adams. 12/15/17 08:06 AM
No more Net Neutrality....
by Colin Ward. 12/15/17 07:28 AM
OCD - altrock w/ hint of rockabilly
by Vicarn. 12/15/17 05:06 AM
If You See Me In The Gutter
by Calvin. 12/15/17 04:20 AM
Dear Mr. Goodell:
by MidniteBob. 12/14/17 11:09 PM
Always meant to be. Travis and Vic
by Michael Zaneski. 12/14/17 07:18 PM
Tired Wings
by M_Glenn_M. 12/14/17 04:30 PM
Unborn Babies Bill Of Rights
by Barry David Butler. 12/14/17 10:05 AM
Update On The Awards
by Brian Austin Whitney. 12/14/17 04:16 AM
Delinquent Submissions From Nominees
by Brian Austin Whitney. 12/14/17 04:15 AM
Christmas Love
by Barry David Butler. 12/14/17 12:12 AM
1-800-4-Heaven
by PeteG. 12/13/17 09:37 PM
Merry Christmas
by David Snyder. 12/13/17 05:36 PM
In My Dreams
by Kevin Emmrich. 12/13/17 05:26 PM
A Tumbleweed Christmas. Travis & Vic
by Travis david. 12/13/17 01:05 PM
With The Gods Above
by Michael LeBlanc. 12/13/17 12:38 PM
Touring Musicians?
by Ray E. Strode. 12/13/17 11:37 AM
How I got my Musical name..
by Dave Rice. 12/13/17 11:20 AM
Merry Christmas
by Irwin. 12/13/17 10:33 AM
Ambient Music in Hotel Bars - A Linkedin Article
by niteshift. 12/13/17 10:17 AM
Silent Night-Ray Charles Edition
by David Snyder. 12/13/17 09:20 AM
The four components
by Johnny Daubert. 12/13/17 12:55 AM
Hard Promise
by Deej56. 12/13/17 12:49 AM
CLEANING DAY
by Deej56. 12/13/17 12:43 AM
The Rise and Fall of Fink the Elf
by Deej56. 12/13/17 12:34 AM
Insurrection
by Deej56. 12/13/17 12:16 AM
Favorite Tune...
by 9ne. 12/12/17 08:34 PM
Life in Bethlehem Town - a Christmas parody
by swestern. 12/12/17 05:48 PM
I'm A Believer
by Barry David Butler. 12/12/17 02:49 PM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,232
Kevin Emmrich 10,532
Travis david 10,371
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,571
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,748
Mike Dunbar 8,574
glynda 8,560
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,829
Corey 7,357
couchgrouch 7,228
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
Mark Kaufman 6,428
Joe Wrabek 6,400
Dave Rice 6,234
ben willis 6,072
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,718
Linda Sings 5,601
niteshift 5,324
Vicarn 5,298
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,605
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,344
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Cindy Miller 4,178
Tom Shea 4,173
Neil Cotton 4,155
TamsNumber4 3,997
nightengale 3,965
Roy Cooper 3,908
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,760
Dan Sullivan 3,710
MFB III 3,687
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
beechnut79 3,280
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
E Swartz 2,958
PopTodd 2,876
Harriet Ames 2,868
Nigel Quin 2,802
MidniteBob 2,698
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Nelson 2,433
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,241
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
Wendy D 2,151
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,012
DukeWill 1,984
Ray Thyer 1,929
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
maccharles 1,770
floyd jane 1,713
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Noel Downs 1,620
Iggy 1,593
Cal 1,574
Rick Heenan 1,562
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
Tom Franz 1,451
RogerS 1,445
Ralph Blight 1,440
Chuck Crowe 1,435
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,406
in2piano 1,402
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,300
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
GocartMoz 1,261
Janice & Bud 1,243
Ian Ferrin 1,230
PeteG 1,227
Glen King 1,210
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
Diane Ewing 1,158
summeoyo 1,083
Gerry 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
joro 1,045
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
Wolvman 960
lane1777 950
Jak Kelly 912
IronKnee 911
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 827
Juan 797
TKO 784
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
90 dB 745
tbryson 737
Andy K 733
Andy Kemp 732
Jackie444 720
ant 710
3daveyO3 704
Dayson 703
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
9ne 634
CG King 622
douglas 621
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
Pat Hardy 580
qbaum 570
nitepiano 565
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
Irwin 530
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
Roderic 522
Moosesong 516
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
R&M 444
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 398
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
Cecilee 376
java 374
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Alek 352
Deej56 351
Z - man 350
John K 348
JamesDF5 347
Jaden 344
ddreuter 341
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
pomeranj 289
Char 286
ktunes 285
mastrose 280
pammie 279
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#1130942 - 09/23/17 02:24 AM Love Goes  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
So, I was wandering through the JPF forums and came across "Ande's Lyric Writing Tips" thread (all of which are just great). As I read Tip 19 on avoiding cliches, it made me think of the lyric to the song I wrote below. It starts with a couple of cliches in the first verse, which have always made me shiver a bit. But I like how it works with the melody I have for it, and as Ande notes, sometimes a cliche works. So I post this with that in mind, wondering--and seeking your input--whether that first verse (or the rest of it) can stand as is. Thanks in advance for the comments and suggestions.

Love Goes

(V) It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall;
you know, they say it’s always
darkest before the fall—
just shows even all the
best things fall apart;
implode before your eyes.
I wonder where it goes—
how love comes to your heart
then disappears.

(C) Restless hearts, restless minds;
say goodbye to what we’ll leave behind.
Reckless thoughts, reckless words—
maybe time will finally heal the hurt.

(Who knows where love goes?)

(V) It’s not my choice to leave;
and I can hear your voice
sound like a symphony,
playing sweet upon
my doubts and empathy—
it’s a melody you’ve played before
to bring me to my knees,
but not anymore,
and so, darling, can’t we please
just let this go.

(C) Restless hearts, restless minds;
say goodbye to what we’ll leave behind.
Reckless thoughts, reckless words—
maybe time will finally heal the hurt.

(Who knows where love goes?)

(B) Too late to turn the hands of time,
to undo what was said,
to undo what we’ve done;
a song can’t be unsung—
no, our time has run.

(C) Restless hearts, restless minds;
say goodbye to what we’ll leave behind.
Reckless thoughts, reckless words;
maybe time will finally heal the hurt.

(Who knows where love goes?)

(c) DJ Lekich 2017

#1130947 - 09/23/17 10:28 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 950
lane1777 Offline
Top 500 Poster
lane1777  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 950
south of the mason,dixon line
and I can tell you thats the way love goes... from experience lol the write is true Dee, sometimes when it ends its not quite ended..both sides have a sharp stick and poke each other a bit....no music? let me know when you get that finished and I`ll come listen. good stuff. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"
#1131126 - 09/30/17 12:49 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Lane,

Thanks, friend, for stopping in. I do have music for this one, but, as noted, I'm not sure about the first verse, in particular. "Read the writing on the walls" and "darkest before the fall" . . . too cliche? Thing is, the melody (and dare I say vocal) might carry it off--but as a writer, it makes me hesitant. Maybe I'll just put it out on the MP3 thread for what it's worth . . . if I ever get around to recording it

Appreciate the feedback, Lane, as always.

Regards,

Deej

#1131195 - 10/03/17 10:01 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 950
lane1777 Offline
Top 500 Poster
lane1777  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 950
south of the mason,dixon line
well it can be, I have trouble with that too, the writing part, sometimes when I hear the melody it helps me with the lyric, there are many ways to say that, and If I can`t` think of some I`ll go find some.....lol

(V) It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall; [I can tell you what happens next] [ what this is all about]
you know, they say it’s always
darkest before the fall—...[and then you fall] you`ll think of something, sometimes it takes me days to get what I want on just one line that I try to re-write. I`ll keep an eye out in case you post the song. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"
#1131205 - 10/04/17 02:25 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 973
David Gill Offline
Top 500 Poster
David Gill  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 973
Buffalo, NY
That first verse... here's my think:

It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall;
you know, they say it’s always
darkest before the fall— <--- the actual term is "darkest before the dawn"
just shows even all the
best things fall apart; <---- another use of the word "fall". Seems redundant. Also, rhyming words out of sync (wall - always - fall - all - fall)
implode before your eyes. <--- an implosion means to collapse inward, a contrast to the previous line about falling apart.
I wonder where it goes—
WHEN love ENTERS your heart <---- change
then disappears.



These are just my immediate thoughts . KoS... :-)


Peace,

Dave


"Where there's a Gill, there's a way"
#1131218 - 10/04/17 11:10 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Lane and David, thanks for kindly affirming what I think I already knew. I have to rewrite the first verse if this song has any chance to work. The thing is, I typically write my lyrics and music together. I think it makes it harder for me to let go of the lyrics, because they fit so cleanly with the melody . . . Alas. Still, your comments have convinced me to rewrite the whole first verse, salvaging a line or two. Will share when I get there.

A couple of specific call outs:

Lane, nice approach to rethinking lyrics. I'll be sure to use that in the rewrite and going forward.

David, yeah, "darkest before the dawn" is right. On the bright side, though, "darkest before the fall" is not the cliche I thought it was, so there's that. smile Agree with "implode"--actually I've gone back and forth between that and "erode"; the latter seems to work better, but I think both will go in the rewrite. As for the rhyme scheme, I understand your comment based on just reading the lyrics, but I pretty confident that the melody carries the internal rhymes. Also, I get your last suggested change, but I'm inclined to stay with "How love comes to your heart" rather than "When love enters your heart," which feels more mechanical and less emotional--that's just me though. Really appreciate your thoughtful comments and taking the time to respond. Thanks much.

All the best,

Deej

#1131233 - 10/05/17 01:01 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 973
David Gill Offline
Top 500 Poster
David Gill  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 973
Buffalo, NY
Hey Deej,

I like 'erode', too. I understand what you're sayin' about the rhyme scheme fitting your melody. Makes perfect sense. I do that too. :-) The whole "love to heart" thing was throwing me. I can see where my sugg reads a little mechanical. Stick with what you're comfortable with. All in all you have a really nice write here. I look forward to hearing that melody with it.

Peace,

Dave


"Where there's a Gill, there's a way"
#1131316 - 10/09/17 02:54 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,371
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,371
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Love what's that lol a thing of the past Lane sadly!
Some good feedback here best of luck with it
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1131394 - 10/12/17 11:14 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Thanks, Travis, and again, Dave, for your input. I'm curious given your great feedback what I'll do with this, if anything. But I do like the sound of it, so I'll see what I can do lyrically to at least the first verse stronger. Thanks so much for your comments.

Deej

#1132527 - 11/17/17 09:30 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 1
Lingbeek Offline
Casual Observer
Lingbeek  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 1
I love 'erode'. I know what you are sayin' concerning the rhyme scheme fitting the melody. thank you,the lyrics is very great.I really like it.

#1132720 - 11/22/17 11:46 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Deej56 Offline
Top 500 Poster
Deej56  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Thanks, Lingbeek . . . and, BTW, welcome to JPF. I haven't noticed if you checked into the new member thread, but feel free to introduce yourself, and I'll look forward to hearing or reading whatever you'd like when you're ready to share.

As for this one, really appreciate your stopping in and commenting. I'm still struggling with the first verse and think I may keep more of it than I thought; I may only change the third and fourth lines. As it stands now, I've got:

(V) It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall;
so you know, there ain't no use in
holding on at all—
just shows even all the
best things fall apart;
implode before your eyes.
I wonder where it goes—
how love comes to your heart
then disappears.

Laid down the guitar work; just need to overlay a vocal and maybe I'll have the courage to post it on the MP3 forum. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

All the best,

Deej


Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Membership
Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
juliettrowe, djmushi, Davood, RonnieDean, CharlotteSullivan
20973 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics117,293
Posts1,104,162
Members20,974
Average Posts Daily42
Most Online1,506
Mar 16th, 2017
Just Plain Quotes
"If you choose the right rut to get stuck in, you'll enjoy the journey the whole way, regardless of the final destination!" -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0